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relationship anxiety/OCD or something else

hailsbails
Community Member

Is this relationship anxiety?

Ive had a rough past i believe. However when i think about it i tell myself its not that bad it prbably isnt connected but anyway. My brother was always in hospital and had 31 operations leaving me at my grandparents as my parents always left with him. I threw tantrums but im not sure if it connects. Ive always had low selfesteem. Since 5 i googlef how to lose weight, diets etc. My first boyfriend i wouldn't call him serious, we hardly spoke and and nothing in common. Was for 6 months and he dumped me fr my bestfriend, wi h messed me up for a good amount of time. I was going to therapy for an ed in 2014-15. I never believed i had one i thought i was lying to myself but i did lose a lot of weight.

Ve been with my lovely boyfriend for 3 years. Hes everything i want he has few flaws and he accepts me unconditionally. Our families are close and we have the same friend group.

I believe my depression began to get bad in 2015, things just got borng, concerts werent exciting. I still felt happy just kindabored. My memory got really bad, I had a crisis/depressive episode where i thoughg i had cheated bc some guy flirted with me that i used to like. But we sorted it out and were fine. I think this caused an infection (down there) which caused me a lot of stress and anxiety. It didnt go away for months.

Relationship anxiety began one day when my boyfriend came over. And he looked like a stranger. I freaked out and thought i didnt love him. I googled forums for months. Before i called a break for a day before i wanted him back. But the anxiety continued. It was horrific. Couldn'tsleep, chest pains, always crying. But now, although I'm still googling and dont want to break up, i cant feel that depression and anxiety as much. I feel fine. I cant cry, i was numb for awhile, but im not really anymore i think?

During all this my mum went into hospital and was sick for months and this didnt bother me at all.

Have i just desensitized myself to anxiety, or is this something else :/.

My heart sinks when i think about us not being together.but it gives me strange feelings thinking of us together 😕 i just want us to work out. Please share your experiences and how you got past this. I dont want us to end

6 Replies 6

pipsy
Community Member

Hi hailsbails. You seem to be extremely lonely and unable to connect with anyone near to you. I wonder if you're the older sibling. I would imagine you were probably scared you were going to be left at your g'parents when your brother went to hospital. Are you and your brother close, are you close to anyone in your family, or do you feel you don't belong. You could have a form of PTSD brought about by circumstances you were unable to clarify. Have you ever discussed your early feelings of abandonment, with anyone connected to you. The way you feel about yourself image, has caused you a lot of emotional pain. Not being able to talk about your feelings hasn't helped. I think your anxiety is caused because you've had to suppress a lot of your earlier feelings of abandonment. It's also possible your infection was anxiety related. I would suggest asking your Dr for a referral to a therapist who could help you find 'you'. You've lost yourself emotionally because you were unable to 'bond' with your family. It's possible when mum was hospitalized, you weren't affected because you hadn't bonded. As children we bond with mum and dad early, You were denied this because of your brothers hospitalisation. It's no-one's fault, just an unfortunate set of circumstances. A therapist would also give you guidelines on closing the gap with your family.

Lynda.

hailsbails
Community Member

Hi lynda. Im the younger sibling by 2 years. I think i have a pretty good bond with my family, im kinda feeling a bit disconnected with most people at the moment. I discussed with my family im not quite sure, but my mum said she always feared my brothers situation would affect me in the long run. I have some theories that maybe my relationship worries are fear of intimacy or abandonment related. I was always fearful of being dumped or rejected, not accepted but my recent depression wiped that away, i can't say i cate very much about anyone

hailsbails
Community Member
And no, i haven't ever discussed it with my family, i never thought it affected me, i suppose i may have suppressed my fears to prevent hurting the already painful situation.

hailsbails
Community Member
Another thing i totally forgot about. My 2 best friends of 6 years basically dumped me while i was extremely depressed. I dont feel very phased. It upsets me sometimes, but is it possible its hurting me more than i know. I feel like im feeling so much subconsciously and not much conciously

pipsy
Community Member

Hi hailsbails. I'm wondering if you're a bit scared to show your real feelings because of the fear of rejection. I think you care more than you are able to show. Your fear of rejection is quite real and I still think it has something to do with being left at your g'parents. You may love your g'parents and they, you, but loving them and living with them are two different things. My mother's mother died when I was little, 6 or 7 . My brother and I were left with my father's sister, whom I knew vaguely. Because we were so young, although my brother was 5 years older, the decision to leave him as well was, in my mothers' mind, to help take care of me. I didn't know the reason at the time, but I do remember crying uncontrollably for my parents. The fear of rejection never really left me, and I could never discuss it because my memory was vague. There could be also a feeling of resentment towards your brother, the feeling that because of him, you were left with your g'parents. The feelings you have buried, I think are fear of rejection and resentment, and not being able to discuss with your parents how you felt about being left. Even though you may suspect why, feelings about this need to be recognised and understood. Children who are left with rellies for any reason, no matter how much they might be loved by these rellies, still need reassurance by mum and dad that they're loved. When these feelings are not addressed, we tend to become desensitized for fear of further rejection. It's quite possible this is where you need to talk to your parents and discuss your feelings. As far as 'freaking out' when your bf visited, perhaps for an instant you 'saw' someone else instead of him. A friend of mine was visiting her friend one day, she 'freaked' when she 'saw' her father (he's been dead for some time), he was a violent aggressive man. To my friend, what she thought she saw and what she in fact did see, was her friends hubby with the sun behind him. The basic outline was similar in build and she got the fright of her life. This could be what happened in your case. Maybe for a brief instant he reminded you of someone you'd rather forget.

Lynda.

hailsbails
Community Member

Thank you lynda. That all makes sense, I'm feeling more sure of my relationship but im still feeling what i think and hope may be anxiety and fear.