Not feeling right

[Necromicon]

I presently live with my in laws, my husband and I have only been married for 2 years and have been living with his parents for a year and a half to save up for a place.

My issue is that I exprienced being verbally abused by the mother in law along with my husband. And although that incident has never been repeated I have grown incredibly distrustful of her, her daughters just tell me that it is normal that it is just her way but I know that being belittled does not amount to good parenting. She values money more than her kids, maybe I should be grateful that she sees me as family that she can abuse me equally as her other children, well that is what her daughters and husband are telling me.

Her daughters don't live with her, but my husband and I still have to endure her telling us we will amount to nothing. Am I just being sensitive towards her behaviour?

[geoff]

dear Necromicon, well the ideal situation is having a well controlled balance between having money and telling your children or in your case daughter in law an even solution, but once you feel uncomfortable it could cause a disagreement between you and your husband, and the last thing you want.
By living with them may mean that you are paying a little too much for goods that you haven't used and unnecessary costs forced onto the both of you.
There has to be a compromise between saving money or living a life controlled by someone else, and as interest rates are so low, by moving into your house with fixed rates may not be any more expensive than paying board to your MIL, then you have decide on what garden you want or what colur it is going to be. Geoff. x

[pipsy]

Hi Necromicon. I really feel and understand where you're coming from here. Ideally when a couple marries they should be starting life together. You need time to get to know each other. To have to live the way you are is not a good recipe for a happy life together. Perhaps you could mention to your hubby about moving maybe into a caravan. MIL and hubby abusing you is NOT ON, no way. Is this the way it's always going to be, her abusing you, with his help? Whatever happens between you two, is your business, nothing to do with MIL. I think perhaps it might be an idea to tell your hubby you no longer wish to stay there. I might tell you, I had similar problems with my ex and his parents, till I removed myself from the situation. We were married a lot longer, but my ex MIL is similar to yours where she felt she could treat me something like the way yours is. Your hubby should be defending you and telling his mum to back off. I think your best bet is to say to hubby you are no longer comfortable living there and you'd feel happier if you could relocate. A small flat would be better where you could be yourselves and get to know each other. I think, personally, I'd rather struggle a bit financially and be comfortable than live the way you're being forced to. MIL won't change, it's fine for others to say, 'she's always like that', they don't live there, you do. You've only been married two years, you want it to be forever, I think moving is your safest way of ensuring you last.

Lynda.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Necromicon

Am I right in reading that you are being verbally abused by both your MIL and husband? Or was your MIL being abusive to both of you? Was this just a one of incident or repeated? Are you saying it hasn't happened again???

I was in a similar situation in a previous relationship except it was us staying in my parents house while we renovated. Now my mother was not abusive, quite the opposite by my partner hated being there. Luckily it was only for 3 months. It's hard enough as it is just being around you in laws and trapped with them....not only that there appears to be no time line for you and could be a fair period of time....on top of that abuse??

Ultimately you need to get the hell out of there. You've been there for a year and half - so how much longer? I would be giving a fair notice, say "ok 3 months and we're out of here, even if we go to a rental". Nothing is worth losing your sanity over. And if your husband doesn't like it well... Just don't have any kids until your ready, happy and have your own place....

You wait - your MIL will hate the fact you're going to move out because she'll lose control of both of you....

[Necromicon]

My MIL verbally abuses both of us. I do want to get out, and when we bring up subject MIL goes "how the hell are you paying for that?".

[pipsy]

Hi Necromicon. What right does your MIL have to ask anything to do with how or what you spend your money on. I would be telling her, quick, smart to mind her own business. If your hubby is too weak to do anything, tell him, it's now or I go without you. My ex was exactly the same, still is, everytime his parents tell him 'jump', he says 'how high'. I got out last year, best move I made. Apollo Black is right with that last comment about MIL. She will hate particularly son leaving because then she has no say. It could be she resents you because you married him, that's just a guess, I could be way off, if I am sincere apologies. You need to be alone to enjoy each other.

Lynda.

[Apollo_Black]

Don't talk about it with your MIL. Talk about it with your husband. Give him a time limit to move out, but only make it a short time limit. Do your research, plan, look for a new place, wait until MIL's out and then move all your valuables. Everything else your husband can come back for - not you. Good luck