Relationship anxiety and over thinking

[Young_Jez]

Hey guys,

First of all I'm really new to this. I don't know really where or how to start. The issue I'm facing may seem silly to some but the current new relationship I'm in I feel like I'm constantly over thinking every possible scenario every possible outcome. To the extent where it's hard to sleep, hard to focus on my goals, hard to do anything as it's constantly at the forefront of my mind and can't seem to get it to budge. I'm usually a very positive person and always look on the bright side and focus on positives but I really can't with this one.

Does anyone have any tips that has helped them previously?

Thankyou

[SammyB]

Hi Young Jez,

Welcome! There’s no right or wrong way to start so feel free to write about whatever comes to mind. It sounds like you are trying to predict any and every possible situation that may occur in your relationship... this must be very draining and exhausting. If anything, constantly overthinking shows how much you care about this new person in your life and seems like you are doing everything you can to make sure things go smoothly. Unfortunately, that’s not very realistic as there are many things in life that are beyond our control and at some point, we must accept that things may not go according to plan, and that’s ok.

What kind of thoughts seem to be getting stuck in your mind? Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be a good first step in understanding how they can be managed.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Sammy

[Gigi1981]

Hi Young Jez,

lovely to hear from you and please do not worry, what you say here is met with a lot of understanding because we are all often in the same boat. I can completely relate to how you feel because I do the same thing. I would have a few questions if that is ok, just so it is easier to respond suitably to you.

How long have you been in the relationship, is it rather new or have you been with your partner for a while?

Is there anything particular going on between you and your partner that may cause you worries or fears?

What are some of the thoughts you get when you start overthinking and worrying? Are they about your partner or your feelings or...?

The reason why I am asking is because I can understand how many thoughts would be floating around in your mind. And it can be extremely exhausting and somewhat excruciating when you just want a little bit of peace in your head. From my own experience, I can share that what really helps me a lot is speaking to close friends that I trust. Also, this forum, of course because sometimes, it is actually important to simply get those worries formulated and then when you write or speak them, they lose a little bit of power over you.

But I think I will be better able to assist if you maybe want to share a bit more detail. Trust me, it will get better, but I understand exactly what you are describing. So if it helps, you are not alone. I get very worried about new relationships and always have moments of anxiety and overthinking until I can see more signs that everything is tracking in the right direction. I am not sure that this is what you are going through but I am sure we will be able to provide support. 🙂

[Young_Jez]

Hey gigi,

Thanks for replying I appreciate it.

The relationship is very new. I've been in many relationships before but I feel so so strong that this is the 'one'. I've never felt this amount of emotion towards one person ever.

I begin to worry about two main things. Am I doing everything I can to help her grow and make her happy? The second beinf me questioning her feelings for me. Am I good enough, am I doing everything right, am I doing too much (which I've been told I have). It's so hard becuase I wear my heart on my sleeve and am the person that says 'how high when they say jump'.

I feel as if I'm so obsessed if you will. It's as if I'm in a eurphoric world when I'm together but soon as she leaves I being to feel depressed and the bad thoughts begin.

Talking to a few trusted friends has helped but only temporarily relieved the pain.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Thankyou again

[Young_Jez]

Hey Sammy,

Hope you are doing well!
What you have said sums it up pretty good so far. I'm aware that there are many aspects I cannot control but yet I still try to make an impact on them and these are usually the ones stuck in my head. The what ifs, what her feelings are, am I doing enough even though I know the answers it's as if I can't comprehend it and fully understand and embrace it.

Hopefully this explains where my head is and how I'm thinking. Thank you so much for reaching out.

[Guest_598]

Hello Jez,

I just came across your posts and I hope you do not mind me chiming in because I feel I understand quite well what you are experiencing.

I think when you feel that something is very important to you, you can become extra anxious because you do not want to lose it and you want to try everything possible to get it 100% right all the time. I am like that, incredibly so. But unfortunately, that often causes you a lot of stress and anxiety and it potentially achieves exactly what you have been trying to avoid because you are over-cater or completely stress out over what you think you need to do. I know it is super-hard to go against what your inner voices tell you but the key to getting it right and, at the same time, reducing your anxiety levels is to listen intently to what you partner tells you. Does she want a little less? Or something different? If so, that is what you may want to try and do. Because at the end of the day you want to make her happy, but that means doing what actually makes her happy not what would potentially make you happy, however, means less to her because she is not you. Also, I feel that you may be quite self-critical and not necessarily afford yourself enough self-love. I can understand that that is very hard, I am also super self-critical and extremely perfectionist. I have the highest standards against myself. But that is also a source of anxiety and again, not really necessary. If you look after yourself a little more and are kind to yourself, e.g. telling yourself that you are an equally valuable partner in this relationship, then you may start believing yourself. Maybe look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, smile and tell yourself 3 great strengths about yourself. Your partner will be lucky to have you because you have all those great attributes. After a while, you may feel a little more at ease because everything is a bit more balanced. You are happy with yourself and know you do not need to try to so hard to keep her because she will want the real you and the self-confident you. And she will be happy because it is not all about her which can actually be quite stressful for someone. It is lovely when someone tries hard but sometimes, somebody trying hard to impress you all the time becomes quite exhausting because it feels like you constantly have to give praise and reassurance. Trust in yourself, you are worth it! You have the right attitude and want to achieve the best outcome. That's a perfect start. 🙂

[SammyB]

Hey Young Jez and all!

Good to hear back from you, I’m doing well thanks 😊

It must be really exciting and overwhelming all at once, to feel all this emotion so soon while at the same time, feeling unsure what to make of it all. It’s pretty normal to have all these thoughts running through your mind (I’ve experienced them myself!), especially because your relationship is so new and you are feeling some strong emotions. I think the only way to really know if she if feeling supported and happy in your relationship is to openly ask her. What do you think? It can be difficult to open up at first but I assure you that being honest about your thoughts and feelings can not only settle your worries, but help with building trust and show her that you’re holding a space for her to also share what's on her mind.

When I’m stuck on how to approach a conversation, writing down what to say helps me organise my thoughts and allows me to focus on what key messages I want to get across to someone. Another way to confront your thoughts is by reframing them. When a thought like “Am I doing enough?” comes across your mind, take the time to challenge it, for example, “I am currently supporting my partner by____” and “My partner acknowledges this support by____”. You have mentioned that you have been told that you're already doing 'too much', so it sounds like this may be a great time to express your thoughts to your partner and clarify some of these questions and concerns. Each of us here has shown to relate to your situation in some way and I will have to agree that big events like starting a new relationship can heighten our inner critic to make sure we get things just right. It’s clear that you have invested a lot of time and emotions into this relationship and it’s important to take a step back to acknowledge your strengths and that you are certainly making your best effort. I hope you find this helpful and again are here to talk through things more.

Sammy