"One day someone will come along" turned out to be a lie. How do i cope now?
I decided to make a this post because i just finished reading a post by a young woman who had her first experience being used by a guy. Many of the posters said encouraging, comforting things AND many of them also said something to the effect of "someone will come along who appreciates you", "one day it will happen i promise" and "when you least expect it you'll find love". I'm so angry when people say this because sometimes it's not true. And it makes people like me feel even worse about ourselves because if most people find love after many bad experiences, then there really must be something wrong with me, because i still haven't.
I'm 32, so i have maturity to help me in these experiences. I'm good looking and outgoing and friendly (not that that matters at all). I'm educated and reasonable and have researched many different approaches to interacting with men. Yet not a single guy i have ever engaged with has ever wanted anything more from me than using me for sex just a few times (if i'm lucky) or just once if i'm not.
I have tried soooo many different approaches - i've tried meeting people organically, meeting them online. I have been on dozens of dates. I have tried being clear about what i want. I have tried being more relaxed and 'going with the flow'. I have tried setting boundaries. I have tried just living in the moment and appreciating someone's company. I have tried being elusive. I have tried being upfront. I have tried not caring. I have tried with wildly different men from different walks of life, and different appearances. Not a single man that i have been interested in has ever been interested in me. Sometimes they are upfront about it after a date. Sometimes they lead me on for sex. Sometimes they deliberately lie (for sex).
How do i cope with this? Knowing that there must be something wrong with me. I have tried so many other avenues for finding happiness but realised in my early 30s that all i really wanted was to give love, be loved, and have the chance at having a family. And still people lie and tell me "it will happen". If they'd told me that 10 years ago, i'd have believed them. If they told me that 5 years ago, i'd still have believed them. But now, it's proven to be false.
I found your post very moving, which was why I wanted to respond. You sound (understandably) disheartened and very frustrated. Especially as you have clearly been very open minded and tried multiple dating approaches to no avail; it must have been very disappointing.
I doubt this will make you feel much better but sometimes I feel people say things like “you’ll meet someone”, etc, etc, it’s said with good intentions. I think some people say it to comfort and especially those who have been more fortunate when it comes to love might genuinely believe it, never mind, the reality that not everyone is quite as lucky in the love department. Of course, I get that me saying that probably doesn’t help you at all.
I wonder if it would help to plan ahead for multiple “futures” for you. Say, plan for a future with a partner and plan for a future one without a partner as well. Sorry, I’m not trying to upset you but I think maybe if you can sort of plan ahead for multiple possibilities for the future, you might find it helpful.
Purely as an example, you could create a loose future plan for a life with a hypothetical partner that could include a, b and c. Then maybe you could also plan a future without a partner where you include ideas for you to enrich your life in other ways e.g. volunteering, etc. I guess the point is to sort of be somewhat prepared for multiple future possibilities.
Sorry, I realise you may not find my suggestions helpful and that’s okay of course. I thought that I would put them out there anyway...it’s entirely up to you if you want to take them on board or not.
I will leave you with the words of another BeyondBlue member that I read a while back that I feel might resonate with you:
I don’t want to insult your powers of observation and intellect and tell you that you will meet someone just to shut you up so I don’t have to deal with your emotions of being alone and lonely. Clearly when we look around at everyone we know it has/will not happen to all of us. Our culture tells us it will, that we just have to be patient. I think what’s so sad and what irritates me about our society is that when you aren’t in a relationship there is very little connection, affection, intimacy, touch and community at all. Social isolation is it’s own cancer, and I feel like we have completely messed up our society.
Welcome to the forum.Thanks for sharing your story so honestly.
I will not say you will find someone because no one ever knows for sure.
I can feel your frustration.There isn't anything wrong with you . I am sorry you have had so many bad experiences. I can understand why you get annoyed when people say you will meet someone who appreciates you. Many women and men can relate to what you have experienced.
I am nearly double your age and I am on my 3rd major relationship. The first two , I accepted even though I knew they were not suitable for me, because I did not think I could do better . I had low standards because I did not think I deserved better. In Hindsight if I had waited rather than rushing things may have been different. I did not have your common sense and self worth.
I met my present partner in my 50s at a time when I had given up on meeting someone as most of the men my age wanted much younger women. I used to think it was so easy for younger women.Now I realise it can be difficult for people of all ages.
I wont say it will happen that you will meet someone special but there is a possibility it could happen.
Are there other things in your life that your are passionate about- your job, a cause, something else that gives your life meaning?
I am glad you have spoken honestly about your experiences.
Hello and welcome. I was saddened by your post because I know how lonely it can be on your own. And yes it is irritating to be told "There's someone just for you" and variations on that theme. Well we know it's said with good intentions and I sometimes wonder what the person is thinking when they say this.
But to other matters. I often wonder what has attracted someone to another. I look at couples and try to understand what keeps them together. I suppose in a way it's similar research to yours. One of the discoveries I think I have made is how each partner functions away from the other. It seems to me that the most happy/secure couples are comfortable in their own skin. There is no fretting when the other person moves away to talk to someone else. There is no need to claim the other. They appear to have a radar for each other so that if one person needs to leave, wants to speak etc, the other is immediately available.
Of course part of that is getting to know each other on their marriage journey. I think the mechanism between two people starts with each one being a confident person, each having their own sense of self worth, each happy with their lives. Now I am not trying to romanticise a relationship because it does take work to get to this stage.
You have tried hard to be the person you think others want you to be and you have tried all the variations of that process. It hasn't worked because inside you feel insecure and needy. So the good blokes talk and leave, the unkind blokes use you for their own purposes and then leave. This is so devastating for you, the person who wants to give and receive love, being treated in this fashion. It's cruel and unkind.
What do you like doing? I presume you have a full time job, what is it you do? When you leave work what do you do? All the research in the world cannot find that partner because you are too busy looking at the man who appears more attractive. (Attractive as in personality, not looks)
It seems to me you have little self confidence and you are prepared to give up what you do have to please the other. This will never work. Can you work on your own self confidence? Go out and do what you enjoy. If you are a person who likes being in a group, join something. Be interested in the other. If asked you can talk about your activities/skills/interests. Be able to toss the conversational ball back and forth.
I would like to continue this conversation with you. What do you think?
Hi ya prairie.
Damn , sorry you've had such a run , a guy here by the way. l'm thinkin maybe trying all this different stuff might even be part the problem. l know you said you've also gone with the flow , but yaknow , maybe just go on with life for however long and just do your thing , live for you, might've been pushing it a bit too hard.
But anyway hey , they might be right yet , never know it probably just hasn't come along yet your only 32 and it sounds like you have heaps going for you .
Anyway l'd just chill out on the whole deal perminately if l was you , live life and do whatever you like doing , you've go plenty of time yet. And when you do meet someone , use your judgement and take your time , don't go jumping in. There's not really any need to say anything much about things you've talked about, well unless convos flow into all that which they normally do eventually but in the meantime just spend some time with him and get to know him a bit , everything comes out over time and you'll see what you need to as you go. Whether it be just one date and no thanks or you wanna get to know him more.
l think the best thing you could do is just things like that and chillax a bit .
Good luck with everything and don't forget to enjoy life eh.
Hi Mary. I didn't find your post helpful but i'm happy to continue the conversation with you. First of all, the assumption that a person needs to love themselves and be totally confident in order to find love has been widely criticised by mental health experts for how demeaning and unhelpful it is - not to mention ludicrous - because there are many people who get into relationships while they have depression, body positivity issues or self esteem issues.
Secondly, i already explained that i have no passions in life and pretty much no interest in anything in my replies to Peppermintbatch and Quirkywords. But no, i am not lacking interest in life because i too focused on finding meaning in life through a man, as i have done and tried MANY different things in life, including extensive travel around the world (solo and on tours), university education, moving to a new town away from ANY friends and family (multiple times), joining sporting groups, joining activities that i have never tried before, participating in MeetUp social events, cultivating my own garden, volunteering with a local environmental group, renovating and decorating including learning basic carpentry skills to build some of my own furniture.
And yes, i am prepared to give up what i do to please the other, because in doing so i please myself and i get what i want and what i need. I am prepared to be selfless. I enjoy giving to others. But don't go thinking that is what has scared these men away. i am a 21st century woman and i don't act like a doormat.
As well as trying to be what the other wants me to be, I have certainly tried being myself unashamedly. Yes i can talk to the other about lots of things - politics, travel, art, tv and movies, ideas, philosophy, sport - you name it. (And just because i can talk extensively about these things, doesn't mean they give me any pleasure in life or a reason to live).
I'm actually not asking for a solution to the problem because there is no solution. What i actually asked is how to cope with a life that i have no interest in.