Quicksand

[Lonely_amp_low]

For a brief outline - I met my now ex-wife in 1996 and in April this year she asked me to move out. I can be honest and say that the marriage was far from perfect, we tried counselling a couple of times with limited success. I have some long term medical issues that definitely caused lots of strain and tension between the two of us, it affected family holidays, etc. I thought I had things under control, but now realise I didn't. She tried telling me numerous times she wasn't happy, felt lonely, wanted more from me. I thought I was trying harder and understood her, but I now know I wasn't/didn't. And in the midst of this is our beautiful 10yo daughter who's desperately trying to figure us out.

Well I moved out in June (we co-habitated but separate rooms until I could sort stuff out) and have organised a small unit for myself with a space for my daughter to visit.

But I'm stuck. I cannot move forward. All I know is that I feel the same about her today as I did when I realised she was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know it is over between us (if I could change this I would) and she has started to move on (ie dating) - which says a lot about how unhappy with me she truly was. I know this is going to be a long and drawn out process for me as I find it hard to want to let go, even if I need to.

I'm trying to start again in a new place, but how do I make it home when my home has always been wherever  my (ex) wife and daughter live. tI just doesn't feel right. To me it's just an empty space where I reside waiting for those opportunities when my daughter can visit and bring some meaning to my life. We are both professionals in the mining industry which brings its own challenges, but I was lucky enough to have residential positions, which was great  - for the first 8yrs of my daughters life I was home every day, then I went FIFO which meant I was only home two weeks a month, but I made the most of it (well I tried to anyway). Now I have only seen my daughter for a total of 5 days in past 3 months. Yes we talk everyday on the phone and Skype when we can. But it's not the same. It's completely doing my head in. I never knew true loneliness until found myself sitting alone in a small flat contemplating life without those I cherish the most around me.

As I said - I'm stuck fast and I can feel myself slowly sinking deeper and deeper as I struggle to move forward. I know I want to/need to, but I have no clue as to how become unstuck.

[white knight]

Hi Land L,  welcome to the Beyond Blue forums

In 1996 I went through what your are going through. There were some differences. Firstly I stayed in a caravan park after buying a small cheap van. For 16 months I built my own home along with shift work and a second job. I didnt have time to think too much about the issues you raised. So I soon got over my losses- loss of my home, neighbours, my dog, my full time parenthood and on and on the list goes.

Of course I didnt stop thinking about my two young daughters and had the standard 2 days a fortnight + holidays.

A friend at the caravan park said to me once (when I was tempted to try to return to the family home) "never go backwards". I agree.

Before you know it your daughter will be a young adult. 8 or so years is not long. She might have her own car and visit you herself. This is one of the problems of parents with kids, we dont see what the near future will be. The pain is there NOW and we need to fix it.

I'd allow time to heal some. I'd also check in with your GP just to keep him/her abreast of your health mentally and physically. Often a marriage breakup can trigger a mental health concern like PTSD and anxiety, depression.

You daughter needs you in her life. You might drift, as one of my daughters did but that's life and some kids come and go in your life. Dont be too hard for yourself and do your best for their welfare.

Your best is always good enough.  Take care and be proud.

[Lonely_amp_low]

Thanks for the reply WK. A visit to a GP will definitely be amongst the priorities of the next few weeks. For mental as much as medical.

I guess as time progresses the pain will become easier to tolerate. I think what makes it hard pill to swallow, is having realised my mistakes, I don't get the chance to show her I can/have change/d and that it's not a temporary aspect. If I was 100% sure that I had done everything I could to have prevented this, it would probably sit much easier with me, but I know I didn't and now I have to deal with the consequences of my inactions. As they say hindsight is a wonderful thing? Well maybe.

[geoff]

dear Lonely L, I want to thank you for disclosing your story to us, and do apologise for the delay in someone replying to you, in which WK has done and has been through the wringers himself, as I suppose this applies to me as well.

It's great that one person in the party can blame the other one without any justification, because it's 'takes two to tango', but in my now defunct marriage I was always the one who had the problem, so all the criticism was aimed at me just as it was for you.

There is never anyway that we can change their thinking, and even today when I see or talk to my ex, nothing has changed, so I don't argue with her, and I'm sorry about what I am going to say, but it certainly belted the guts out of me.

I can't tell you what to do, but it's a process that WK and myself have been through, and now it's something that you won't be able to turn around, because she's back dating, and this was also what I hated when she said that she was living with this *********, and had lied to me about having any sexual relationship with him, it's a very unpleasant journey, but there is something that will change as time goes on.

Your daughter will start to begin what is a going to be a definite change, and that she will hate what your wife or I'm not if you have been divorced or not, anyway she will loathe seeing what her mother is doing, and hopefully want to move in with you.

There is some comfort in the long run, although it's not there for you at the moment, but please keep talking to us, and I hope that I have not upset you too much. Geoff.