poisonous relations

[Guest_3712]

Hi all,

is it just me or does it appear to others that everything seems to be against you when you are battling this disease. You make a conscious decision to address one or more of your triggers, and then Wham! something happens to start it all over again.

As you all know  I have spent many many hours with my psych working out my triggers and how to deal with the demons that come with them. I have recently decided to severely limit my interaction with my family and in particular with my mother and one sister.

I almost felt I was getting to a place where the hurt wasn't quiet as raw, and the rejection didn't make my anxiety peak until yesterday. I received a text early in the morning from one sister advising me our mother had been taken to hospital in an unconscious state ( she resides permanently in a nursing home).

So of course instant panic and I prepare to drop everything to rush to her side( 2 hour drive). I was aware I had a psych appointment in the afternoon and desperately wanted to keep it as I need that regular support. I waited till lunch time and when my sister let me know my mother was stable I decided to go to psych.

the battle I had going on inside me about whether I had made the right decision or not had me in quiet a state by the time I arrived for appointment. My psych was proud of me for resisting the urge to once again try and gain 'brownie points' or be the best daughter by rushing there.

My resolve was slipping though and despite the sensible side of me knowing it would not enhance my relationship with my mother to go I was sorely doubting my decision. I said to my psych over and over that it didn't matter what she had done to me, she was my mother and I should be there. His concern as always was that the constant rejection and disdain my mother showed me would ultimately  break me.

my other trigger is my need to be needed. I have always been the family organiser, the go to sibling. I organise all family events , almost to a manic level. I am obsessed with the need to keep the family together as much as possible. I am currently exploring the reasons behind this too, and have consciously dropped out and not done any organising- the result being no-one else does it.

Anyway half way through my session I received a phone call from my uncle to let me know my last living aunt had passed away. OMG ! it was like someone had flipped a switch. Straight away I was telling my uncle don't worry I will be over asap , I will help organise things and I will let all of my sibs know. I then advised him that my mother was in hospital and maybe shouldn't tell her, blah, blah .

When I hung up my psych was just staring at me . there I was receiving therapy for major, control issue among other things and in one moment I had forgot everything. It's not like there isn't anyone else who can do these things, it's just that I think it has to be me- obviously these behaviours stem from the issues in my childhood which I won't go into .

I need to get this balance right. I need to accept my mother is never going to give me what I want , she will never change and I am destroying and wasting my life hoping otherwise. My previously fractured relationship with one sister is beyond repair and the hurt is so painful at times it's physical.

I have at the moment decided not to jump in car and race down to see mother, right or wrong I don't know. I think I am going to hurt either way. It is just so hard to cut family out of my life, even though it seems that most if not all of my issues stem from these poisonous relationships.

My husband supports my decision because although he doesn't know the extent of my problems he has seen the rejection and the hurt it causes me. I don't know how long I am going to be able to stay strong though as I know the guilt I would feel should she pass away without me seeing her would be devastating.

I know a lot of my friends here on BB are facing similar issues so maybe can see something I maybe missing.

thanks for listening

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

hi mares,

So glad to hear from you I think about you all the time and hope you are ok.

Are you sure we're not all related. Wow I didn't realize how common this situation was.

You have gone through so much more than me so I appreciate you sharing your experiences. You make a lot of sense about people who don't dwell being more mentally healthy / happy.

As I said to Neil I guess it's still early days in my journey of this part of my life and unrealistically I am still clinging to that tiny shred of , "just maybe". I am comforted to know that when the fall comes I have all of my friends here on BB to catch me.

Mares please look after yourself and as always

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Guest_3712]

Hi Jo,

How are doing ? Hoping you are feeling a little better. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me

We do have amazing similarities in our life and putting aside all the negative stuff  The message seems to be we should break this chain and make sure our girls never go through what we have

Like you I have a close relationship with my daughter and it continues to grow. We never end a conversation with out saying, "I love you" so simple, so important .

Take care of you Jo and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless 

[geoff]

dear, Stressless, well I've addressed this post to you, but it includes so many other girls who have replied to this post, who are experiencing similar problems, all of whom  have struggled with mother issues, and I say mother, because they certainly don't show the love that a mum normally gives to her children, fortunately this didn't happen with my Mum, but I know how you all feel because there were periods in my marriage that the same non-reaction happened from my wife.

There is this 'tiny shred of just maybe', but can I say that as people get older in life, they dig their heels in and for them to make a dramatic change in attitude barely happens, as they tend to take it more of your fault, and would never own up as to being their fault, let alone admitting that there maybe nothing wrong with what they done, or if they do would only blame yourself.

My ex-wife has never said 'sorry' to me ever, it was always my fault. L Geoff. x

[Light9]

Hi SL

Well your sibs are sooo lucky to have you and you should feel proud of yourself for what you know you did for them.  I have been repeatedly physically and mentally abused by mine so I would love a sis like you.

I think you have to get the pus out of the wound before it can heal...there's just a lot of pus.  Gross analogy before breakfast...soz.  Just know that there are a lot of good people wanting to see you smile and be happy, even when it feels like there's no one.

Thanks for your kind words

L 

[Mares73]

Dear Stress less yes you, me, Jo & think GA all have similar issues. But stressless I wanted to clarify something-in no way did I mean to sound like dwelling on things. I'm so sorry if it sounded like that. It's one of the most painful things in life seeking our mums love & approval & it doesn't matter who else gives support-its our mums we want to be proud of us. I too have 2 sisters my mum would & has done so much for & yet I've never asked for anything-i do all the giving & wait hoping my mum will notice or appreciate me but it's never happened & still makes me sad that when she does die I'll have all these hurtful feelings. I've even written her letters saying how much her love means to me & how my kids never get to see her yet she does everything for my sisters kids. Also not only do I realize she can't show love & affection, I realize it's my need & I'll always have a sadness about it. And I can say when I'm hurt stuff it I'm never talking to her about the stupid weather again because she fills the conversation with trivial things out of fear i may raise something real like basic how are you. So I don't get a word in-yet I acknowledge if she came to me in need or showed emotion I would be on the roller coaster again. But my friend-noone can tell you when you will stop hurting. I still get upset filling out forms or similar where I have to list a family contact & I know I can't list her as she believes I have to deal with everything myself. Despite caring for, feeding break ie & dinner & washing & ironing my sisters clothes & taking care of her kids. I had to pay her if she ever had my kids. It was so hurtful. I think you & Jo are right-the crux of it is we seek and have a strong need for the approval & love of our mum. We each want our mums to care & show an interest in our lives. We feel constantly rejected but keep hoping for their love & approval. Stressless it still hurts everyday that the person who I should be able to turn to or ph & talk things through-will never be able to. I also do things like buy her the best stuff for xmas/bday-im still people pleasing & I think it's such a core relationship that it will always leave some sense of loss & longing. And it's very painful but you go through the relationship dynamics in therapy. Are you the family crisis manager as well? When needed it's me that jumps in first. I just want you to know you are not alone & I think of & feel for you so much. I know it's easy for people to say your an adult now so why does it matter? But I get in-yet than our partner or kids it's our mum weccrave. And like you or Jo said-i too have a daughter & I tell her everyday that I love her & I'll always be here for her no matter what. When she was born I made 2 promises to myself-one that she would never experience real fear and 2) that she would grow up with a strong sense of herself & have confidence in herself. She's now 14 & we are very close for which I'm so grateful. But to end my ramble-Stressless can I say it takes a lot of opening & exposing your hurt to work through the issues with your mum & I'd take it slowly as it's a fragile part of ourselves & in time you will work out how to have a rlship with her no matter how limited or decide to place the relationship at a distance. There's no right answers-it all comes down to- you want your mums love & approval. Most people do. I'm so sorry you have the grief & hurt to endure. But I care very much & only hope I can be the type of friend you deserve-because your very special. Oh & I have to say I've seen several of your replies to people & noticed how you identified the key issue straight away & zoned in on that in your responses. You've given advice the same type I would of so I can see your strengths shining a little more each day. Your friend always-Lve Mares xxx