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partner struggling and closed off

Community Member

hi every1,

i was hoping for some advice from anybody who has been in my shoes (or the shoes of my SO)

they have spoken more and more of their anxiety and depression. i ask how I can help and recommend getting help, which they have been.

Each time they mention their feelings or give an example, I get significant frustration from them if i offer help, general support or to listen etc. its like they want to tell me things but not hear anything back?

i get told that its not fair to drag me into this, or they dont deserve me and they are shutting me out of all emotional topics... but they bring it up, i just really have nothing i can say or do that seems right

any advice???? or good types of thngs to say to sum1 who is really shut off and doesnt want to open up?

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

I don't know your gender or your partners but the following thread might help.


Beyondblue topic talking to men- some tips

Also, patience is not what a lot of us have-

Beyondblue topic supermarket shelves

A change of environment can be more effective than what people think

Beyondblue topic distraction and variety

I hope those threads help. It isn't easy to just listen without input. The person with the mental illness also has a responsibility to make effort to convey what they want/need in a conversation about their struggles.

Carers are not mind readers


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Good Morning, when someone we love develops depression, it's something we never hoped would happen, unfortunately, there could be many other circumstances why this does occur and no, we can't be mind readers as Tony has said.

You are not to blame as it isn't easy to communicate when they are suffering from any type of depression, simply because what you say maybe true and meaningful but they may not understand or have the ability to even want to, as you encourage them to get the help they need.

People suffering are incapable of answering the questions they're asked, and suggested when they want to talk they have the floor, sorry but I'm not qualified to mention this, but know from myself when in depression.

What they say could quite easily change from minute to minute, that's what this illness does and the best advice would be to suggest them seeing their doctor.

Hope to hear back from you.


Thanks for replying to you both

I guess is very hard to just say and do nothing and be shut out cos now I'm worried that this relationship is over and then I won't be able to help her any more and I really worry about her. she is such a good person and has very low self esteem . . I have just tried to love her best I can but I don't think she things she deserves love or maybe she just didn't love me which is just as painful

I can't eat or sleep, I've got my own issues to deal with but I can't even think about then

Community Member
Hi, i have a partner who has been struggling to support me through my depression and anxiety, but i understand that he can never understand what i am going through. I just need him to be there when i need him and listen, we don't need advice because we think noone understands us and what we are going through. We need to know that the person we love will be there no matter what, they are our light that we hang onto. I know it's hard but this is what get's us through those really hard days. This is what gets me through day to day. Hope this helps.

thank you, Medo. Very kind of you to reply.

i will be there, every single step of the way.

i am feeling the same way, scared that i will lose my partner as i am pushing him away with my high ups and downs. People with mental issues feel that they are alone and that nobody understands them, we need alot of love and understanding but it is very hard for the partners and family. We do the best we can, i feel your pain as i feel my partners pain. i feel really bad that i am putting him through this. Have you tried watching videos on people going through this illness to better understand them? I know this is extremely hard times but i am sure you will get through this.

I havent watched any videos yet but I will. I have been getting some therapy to better understand what i can do, but it is hard as they are really shut off and never wish to have a 2 way coinversation about how they are feeling. i feel letting her know how muhc i care and love is just going to push her away. i really just wish i knew what she was fearing andfor her to just be open. but i know its really hard.

becuasde there is no communication about it i am fully in the dakr. not sure if she wants this relationship to even go on. ill double down, ill strap in for the rolldercoaster but i guess i cant expect to know. i just have to be here. thank you agin