Partner is almost granted visa but talk of going to UK when we're older
I just need some clarity on something my partner mentioned a few days ago. I'm Australian and my partner's British, we have been together 4 years and both in late 20's, he is on a partner visa which should be granted in the next few months. We had an argument the other night as he thinks he compromises more than I do in the relationship. He started talking about moving to the UK for a 10 year period in or 40's, I was straight with him and said I don't want to live in the UK (that's where we met, he moved here for me), he got upset saying I proved his point right. I don't believe you should commit to someone who lives on the other side of the world, apply for a permanent visa with them and then suddenly say let's go back to England. He continued to say that it was hypothetical and I should be considerate that he could get home sick and want to see his family. I understand if his parent's were sick that he would need to go back for an extended time and if we had children I would stay in Australia with them until he could return, however to expect a whole family to ship their lives overseas for 10 years due to home sickness- I don't think that's right. If the shoe was on the other foot I would understand that I'm making a choice to form a life with someone i love in another country and I would need to deal with issues like that. I explained how I think expecting your kids to move schools for a 10 year period to then move back to Australia is unfair, they're not adults after all but he didn't agree and simply thought I was selfish. Am I selfish or does my partner need to seriously consider what he wants?
Please help me shed some light on this?
Welcome to the forums. That is a tricky one. Can I just quickly clarify: do you have kids right now or is this for the future when you do have kids?
Perhaps I can first give a quick summary of my own experience with this. I am from Australia and have been with my partner for two years now. She is originally from Scotland and moved away when she was 18 (we are 28 now). She seems pretty convinced that she doesn't want to live back there, but has said something very similar to your partner in terms of living there temporarily. But I want to live in Australia and don't really have any desire to live anywhere else. I would be up for it, and for certain countries i'd like to be there for maybe 2 years max but no longer. We don't really have a resolution to this and perhaps it is just in our nature to be able to just sit with the indecision, but continue to bring it up every now and then to hopefully one day come to an agreement of sorts.
From what you've said, it sounds fair to say that he wants to move back, you want to stay here, and so anything in between would be a compromise. Naturally, we want to do our own thing so yeah I think you are both being acceptably concerned about your own wants. I mean, I've heard of many families who move countries in the middle of school and diplomats do that regularly. In many ways, it can be really good for the kids who get to experience many different cultures. But it can also be really hard.
So I don't think there's any obvious solution to this, at least not without any hindsight.
I think the only thing you can do is keep talking about it, but I am concerned about the name-calling. It does not sound like he's really engaging with you on this and is just criticising you rather than talking about your future, and that's not healthy. Since he mentioned feeling the compromise imbalance was off, perhaps this is something you need to address first otherwise the future could be quite tricky. I find these things tend to escalate over time as they feel increasingly resentful about even small things. He might be very wrong about the imbalance, but if he's feeling it, that's what's true to him I suppose.
Welcome here. I guess there are two sides to most things, and life does have unsuspected twists.
A home country can have a big tug on the heart, one might not realize it until after one has left it and settled elsewhere. As someone who was brought up to my early teens in the UK I can sympathize with that, though when I went back for a visit many years later I found the place was no longer to my liking. It had changed and I'd changed too.
I would imagine your partner could well have not realized how he was going to feel when he made the commitment. It is a big commitment, moving countries. Now homesickness may be starting to be felt. To be fair he does not seem to be demanding to return now, but is proposing an extended visit in the future. Wanting his family with him is natural, it would be sad if he didn't.
That being said the prospect of being expected to uproot and move to a strange country could be most unsettling for you.
Is this fair? I don't know. I'd think that could the subject of a compromise if occupations, finances and family support was all lined up. As for education; I went to a lot of schools in 3 countries and frankly think it did me good, I got a broader view (surprisingly enough my best subject in France was English:)
I tend to agree with James that the real issue at the moment is how balanced the relationship is, or how you both perceive it to be. Perhaps shelving the matter of possible future shifts and concentrating on trying to make each other feel wanted and cherished in the everyday things of right now might be an option.
Do you think this is realistic?
One thing to think about is children also.
My partner immigrated also from the UK we were together 7 years and had two children.
When she decided to exit the relationship she also decided she wanted to move back to the UK and take the children, it was a lengthy battle to stop her and resulted in years of stress and pain.
It's something to think about if your thinking about kids and what would happen if you seperate