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Parenting, autism and bitter separation

Community Member

I have been going through some tough times, abusive (physical/emotional/financial) and now my son has been asked to leave his school. He is autistic, but ok until puberty. He just does not get the social cues and he just does not get how to communicate with girls.

Being acrimoniously separated, we both have IVOs. I did one to remove him from house and being physically abusive to son. I was the one that dealt with his school. I am paying for his counselling and now i have noticed that ex has done transactions out of my bank account. He knew number since he was joint. But he has side business that allows him to direct debits..so he put bills into my account..

He breached his IVO and got a good behaviour bond, but it was stalking son , so not taken seriously. The ex is big on mental games and made sure i spent nearly 30 years feeling worthless, stupid and believing my memory was gone.

My current issue this week is that son has been out of school for 2 weeks, then the 2 weeks of school holidays. Ex refused to discuss and now only wants to communicate by solicitor. I am left with the impossible task of trying to enrol him at either 2 schools in town. Ex works at one, and the other is across the road. So because of IVO I cannot access either, I have court date to vary in July and meeting with Catholic before this. I am hoping of working out some way of doing this. I just have nothing left.

ick of the games he plays. I am beyond tears, I have a son that desperately needs lots of professional help - and I am the only one that is left to organise anything. Ex says he cant afford it, but is on over 100k and boarding at friends. I'm paying mortgage and all household bills. I am financially balancing with my credit cards, my sick leave is gone, my long service too. I still have so many days i need to take off to get son to treatment and family court. Yet it all falls to me. I get 200 per month child support. I have been physically attacked by son when i tried to limit his screen time. His father did not support the behaviour plan set up, as he has only contacted the psychologist after 9 weeks.

Where do I start? I have applied for NDIS, Special Assessment for child support and have my own counsellor. But I just feel useless as I cannot accomplish anything. I am not bothering about the money as it is more important to get son help as he was asked to leave, I am so frustrated, I cant move on, I have all the bills. This just wont end.

5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I've read your post. I won't try to help you resolve your marital issues as there is always two sides to a story, but I want to make some comments that could help.

$200 a month for child support is very low. I would pursue that with child support in terms of his income.

Your bank account was a joint account. That should have been dissolved upon srparation and it's a warning out there for those that separate - rearrange your affairs to severe from your ex.

Can your son walk 200 metres to school? If do drop him ofg and allow him to walk the distance so you dont breach the IVO.

All other matters are Centrelink based so try them.

All separations take time to settle. In a short couple of years you'll be much happier.


It's got worse.

Son went to father. He did not like my technology rules, Well that was what I thought, until I saw messages that they were exchanging. Now I know that I will never be able to have a relationship with him until he is much older.

He has been out of school 8 weeks, not in counselling, no assistance for his major issues that got him expelled...yet DHS and Family Court do nothing. There are no 'ancillary or supports in place to assist him. I have to pay IF he wants to see me. As yet 6 weeks and counting and no contact. So have resigned myself to not parenting him,

Now I am being told that I chased ex out of house ...and the story gets better the more times we visit court. His friend did go to jail for bad child stuff, and no one cared that they shared house and socialised together. The way things are going for my son, I cant imagine how he can turn out happy or able to have the life he could have had. I cant have him back even if I wanted to, as any parenting decision was mocked by other side. - no wonder I had no chance.

I swing between ok and just so sad that my life has come to this. I cant afford the legal costs, I can't keep trying to get psychological support for my son and I just need to step back and start again.n It is such a horrible thing to know that your child will be so damaged that you can either see suicide or jail as options. He is isolated from friends as ex is now his best friend again.

The NDIS was denied as his current psych believes he is not that bad, yet DHS amazed he has not been on it. As he definitely should be given his diagnosis and level of assistance needed. Berry St, ASPECT and CAMHs CASA and so on, nothing organised and nothing will be.

But 14 years old means that he can do what he wants and if this is gaming and no school. Then he gets it.

Sorry, but I am so disillusioned with a system that allows suicidal, violent kid to just carry on as usual. I am out of strength with this and just wish I never had children and never married or met him.


Community Member

It's been a while since posting. Overall I am great, but recently I have hit some speed bumps. I feel horrible, not depressed, just frustrated, sad and at the end of all my choices.

I have been through a horrible marriage, abusive mentally and just a bit of physical. Kids always used by ex as referee and judge/witness to back ex up.

Now ex has child, child is not going well at school - but ex family have reported he is using drugs and dealing, took child out and left him with family members during COVID, so they could be meet up. Child has been experiencing a lot of constipation, said he was on anti biotics and lots of suspect stuff. Child stated other parent had std - and they went with to sexual health clinic......So many warning signals. Reported to DHHS, but they do not act -

My last option is to do nothing or go to court to make ex get drug tested, ensure child gets NDIS as supposed to. But as ex family are ok about anger of drugs and treatment of child - fearful etc. They do not want to put this in a statement and lose their sibling....

Also I was left with mortgage, cant afford, but stupidly thought sale would go through, then COVID...Now ex refuses to contact bank and put loan on hold. My remaining choices, go into credit card debt to pay mortgage, get 6m freeze on payments (if other party agrees) or just walk away. I have been paying all bills and as ex said he was abused by me- i was given all costs for house. I was too emotionally fragile to deal with defending....

Now, I have come from being super excited of just moving on, to worrying about money and mortgage- and the imminent risk of child. (ex did hook up with druggie that said he was given STI by ex...that sti name was backed up by child).

I am stuck. I am not depressed, anxious or even suicidal. I am just experiencing the effect of more of my ex cruel games and making me either was more money on lawyers - or accept the label that IVO have alleged - and knowing my child is being coerced, manipulated and is not in a good place. Its a touch position and I have great family (including exes) and friends and work place. But I am struggling with the decisions.

What options do I really have? Can I have an outside perspective?



Hey Tired of being, thanks for joining us here on the forums again. It sounds like you're going through a lot at the moment and we're so sorry to hear the trouble and stress your ex-partner is causing you. We can understand why you would be feeling so emotionally drained. We're also sorry to hear your child isn't doing well at school or home. This must be really hard for you to witness.   
We would recommend you get in contact with Parentline. They are a telephone service for parents and carers of children 0-18.  There is a different Parentline service in each State or Territory and if you follow this link, you can find the right  contact details:  http://www.parentline.org.au/

You may also want to get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
  Many in our community have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

Thank you for your feedback. I am just at a point that I am frustrated that I can't help my son, but my mental health is worth more. Without it, I can not be a good parent, regardless of whether I had custody.

I feel that I have no reason to contact Parentline, I am not a parent, I am the ex of a person that has a child. The child does not contact me- only about 1.5hr before he wants to see me at the allocated court place. Unfortunately my son is just not aware he is also able to make his own times and places, just listens to his father and agrees with him. So as a parent, I really am not one. The ex will not let me know of anything my son does, even to the extent of blocking my call, refusing to answer lawyer letters and now doing the IVO so I cannot see him at mediation for final parenting orders.

i have realised that the Family Law Court, in my opinion, does nothing. There is no consequence for denigrating other parent, drugs or breaching the FLC orders. Unless you have hundreds of thousands of dollars to waste.