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Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998
Community Member

I have felt this way in every relationship I have had. The past two make sense, as I was cheated on by both partners, but I have been struggling with the same feelings in my current relationship. This has been the only healthy relationship I have had, and it frustrates me, because I'm with someone who I actually can trust for once in my life. It's not that I think my partner is cheating on me, it's smaller things that bother me, such as him wanting to have female friends, and being in an environment where girls are dressed provocatively and acting in a provocative manner. I don't know why these things bother me so much. I guess I am just scared of being abandoned, or that my partner will be sexually aroused by other females other than myself. I feel like I care about these things on a religious level (i'm not religious), but it seems to be the one and only thing that ever affects me while I'm in a relationship. I can't stand the thought of my partner dancing around girls in a club who are wearing next to nothing... The biggest concern for me is this one female friend he has, who he has been friends with since high school. She is the type of girl who would get satisfaction from stealing people's boyfriends. I know my partner wouldn't go there with her, but she does things that I feel are intentional, to get under my skin. For example, she was at my friend's memorial earlier this year. My partner was also there, as he went with me to support me. We ended up seeing his friend there, and this girl approached us to say hi to my partner, but completely disregarded my existence and didn't say hi to me. She gave my partner a hug and told him how much she missed him right in front of me. She later followed us over to the table we were sitting at and sat right beside my partner, so close that her entire body was up against his. (My partner and this girl were sitting opposite me). This made me really uncomfortable, and I was extremely angry because why wasn't my partner sitting next to me? He was there to support me after all, not for a high school reunion.... The whole time she was calling him pet names in front of me and not even talking to me or looking at me. Just continuously flirting with my boyfriend. My boyfriend went out with the same girl last night. She put up a story on instagram, which was a photo of herself in a skimpy crop top showing her cleavage and her nipples. I felt like she put that up to rub it in my face that she was with my boyfriend.

20 Replies 20

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there Bee1998 - your post was strong and very clear, your emotions came right off the screen!

With two past relationships where you were cheated on, I quite understand the way you feel.

Other people's relationships are all too easy to judge. Most of us have all sorts of issues of our own and cannot resist placing those values on to others. So I'll just make a few comments about what I have learnt over the years.

Firstly, guys can be very insecure without realising it. You say you trust your partner but are uncomfortable about the two way flirting that goes on with other girls. It sounds to me like he craves attention and praise to boost his self esteem. Do you intuitively feel he is happy with his life? Maybe you could try asking him to have a chat about something that is important to you and can he please give you his full attention. This needs to be done in a quiet place with no interruptions eg the beach, a walk, sitting in the park etc. Tell him very gently that you really care for him and trust him, but are uncomfortable with the way other girls behave around him - in particular that old 'friend' who flaunts her body around him.

Use this to lead into asking him how he feels about your relationship and about what you have just said. Then just let him respond back to you. Hopefully he will apologise and say he had no idea that he was being seen in that way, and has no feelings for the girl in question at all. If he says anything else, it will appear that he might not be committed to you.

The hard part about this is that it just may damage your relationship - on the other hand it may just reset it to where you feel comfortable again. But you cannot let it continue this way as the emotional toll on you is too great.

Whatever happens, you will be in a better place emotionally than you currently are, as it it not healthy for you to continue with these feelings.

I had to do exactly this with a beautiful girl I went out with. She was always being chased and reacted in flirty ways. When we broke up I genuinely felt free as she then had several short term relationships and became jealous of the new relationship I started after a year or so - which ended in a happy marriage!

If I may say this - maybe you need to work hard on your own self esteem as it sounds like you are a fierce and social woman, way too proud to have a boyfriend showing scant regard for what is appropriate.

Happy to discuss further if you like - I hope this has helped a little!

The Bro

Positive_vibes89
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Bee1998, Oh my gosh girl I know how you are feeling!!!! My now husband had a "best" female friend who was similar to what you describe. The annoying thing was that they had history in which he told me about when we started dating. I felt uncomfortable by the way they were acting and I said to hubby if you want to be with her I will not stand in your way. He responded with "If I wanted to be with her I would be right now. I want to be with you." But this did not stop her for being inapropriate, she sat on his lap one night and kissed him on the cheek. This girl had no respect towards me or our relationship. Hubby didn't do anything about her behaviour either. Some girls just don't know when they are crossing the line or they just simply enjoy attention from men. When It comes to your situation being similar to mine, I suggest you have a discussion with your boyfriend about how you really feel. You are having these feelings because he is giving you reason to feel that way. Your boyfriend needs to tell this girl that her behaviours are inappropriate towards their friendship and that she needs to respect that he is in a relationship with you. If you can handle some confrontation, I would actually pull this young lady aside and tell her what she is doing is very inappropriate and disrespectful. I did this with the girl who was like this to my husband. She did not like it whatsoever that I confronted her (she has a boyfriend at the time too), I told her if she continues to be disrectful I will tell her boyfriend. She blocked hubby and me on facebook, never saw or heard from her again. Dont let this girl walk all over you or your relationship. If you can confront her and tell her what she is doing is inapproprate and you feel it is nasty, maybe she might backoff. And tell her that you would like to be her friend too, but cant be if she continues to behave in such a manner. Maybe it is also time your boyfriend cuts friendhsip off with her if he wants to be in a long term committed relationship with you, sounds like she is a toxic person anways. Your trust issues are going to also weigh your relationship down and cause friction. You need to work on trusting this boyfriend. Sounds like you could benefit from talking to a beyond blue councillor over the phone for some help to work through your issues. Youre never going to have any trust in him, if you continue to hold onto past experiences in which will cause your relationship not to work.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Bree and thanks The Bro and Positive_vibes89 for your good comments.

This is very inappropriate, especially as you have had to suffer from previous partners cheating on you, and your partner, although he may want this should be stamping his authority and forbidding any of this to happen to remain in a relationship with you.

Behaving like this is certainly a way to damage a good partnership because regaining trust again may take some convincing and won't happen overnight and it may have to start all over again.

This has to happen by your partner and not so much by telling this other girl off, although that can happen as well, it's his priorities he needs to keep in order if he wants you to be with him, because if he flirts around then the relationship won't last and make you feel too uncomfortable.

If he loves you then he has to respect how you feel and not allow any of this to happen, ask him you want to change location, I hope this is no concern for him.

Geoff.

Bee1998
Community Member

Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel like you all have some really great advice, so thank you for that.
my partner doesn’t flirt back with this friend of his , but I know he is too nice to tell her to stop , or may not even realise what that she is flirting at times, as he may just see it as her being ‘friendly’.

I’m really distraught about this … I don’t want to lose my partner. The way I have been acting is really affecting and damaging our relationship, due to me being jealous. I feel like my only option is to pull away, as I don’t want my emotions to bring my partner down. He really is a great person and has never done anything to break my trust. The issue is my own mind and emotions, and this girl….

And I don’t want to come across manipulative or controlling by continuously telling my partner I don’t like this girl , and I don’t want to be that person who asks him to stop seeing her, as they have been friends for a long time. Just feel like my only option here is for me to just fade into the background. But I really want to be with him, and be in a happy relationship with him 😞

If you really want to be with him, I think you need to tell him about how you feel. A relationship is built on honesty and trust. It is a equal partnership, if you feel uncomfortable to talk to him about your feelings that is something you need to work on. Youl need to feel like you can talk to him about anything that bothers you and as a boyfriend he should be helping you to be at ease. Those trust issues are really taking a toll on you, you have some PTSD in relation to all this. If you want to be with him, maybe some councilling will help you. But I think hes given you no reason as to why you cannot trust him so give him the benefit of the doubt. Until he has litrally breeched your trust then you cannot trust him. This young lady is giving you a reason not to trust him, you need to talk to him about it. I didnt like some of my husbands friends, I would let him go hang out with them on his own. I refused to be near them (they were also girls). They also made me jealous at times, but I didnt want to deprive hubby of his friends. So I let him do things alone with them. I trusted him. You need to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and if he is a good guy he will try and support you.

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi again Bee1998

It's me again! Oh please, please don't let yourself fade into the background!

Be a fierce woman with strength and self respect. He sounds like a great guy but has to be aware in no uncertain terms how you feel about his flirty behaviour.

I feel he will reaction will be very positive as most guys like a woman who has the strength to tell them if there is a behaviour issue. Just keep it very calm, start by telling him how much you love being with him, BUT there is one thing you find upsetting and could he please have a think about it?

Yes it takes courage to do this, but you will feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders immediately.

I look forward to you advising all of us how it goes when you have this conversation.

Breathe deep! The Bro.

Miz
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Bee1998,

Sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds like you've had some disrespectful partners in the past and that might be affecting your current relationship. I just want you to know that these feelings of doubt and jealousy are completely normal given that you've had people cheat on you in the past. It's not your fault that you feel like this. But can I ask, would you feel comfortable explaining to your partner how you feel? I know it's so hard to admit that you are jealous and feel threatened (which happens to all of us) but sometimes when we tell our partner they acknowledge how it makes us feel and respond with reassurance about how strong their feelings are for us.

Your partner sounds like a decent person - maybe it's worth having a chat about it?

Here to talk x

Bee1998
Community Member
I have spoken to my partner about all of this more than once. i am really open with him and tell him how I'm feeling a lot. I just don't know how to trust properly after being cheated on by both partners I had previous serious relationships with. I know the person I am with currently is not the same person, but every time I see a red flag, or think I do, I can't help but think that he's doing wrong by me. This really sucks, as I feel like deep down I do trust him, and I want to, but lately I've been finding it really hard. I've been over thinking everything and my head keeps telling me he's cheating.... I don't know if I'm trusting my gut because I had to learn to do that from my previous experiences, or whether I'm genuinely just being paranoid. What makes it even harder, is the fact that in my other relationships, I had evidence that I was being cheated on, but was still lied to right to my face. They denied cheating on me, even though I had proof. So now even if my current partner denies anything I am suspecting or having doubts about, how am I meant to know if he's telling me the truth?....

I think for now just give him the benefit of the doubt until you have hard evidence that he is cheating on you. Red flags are not always what they seem. But from what you have expressed, I feel as if your mind is well and truely made up that he is cheating on you. You are having so many doubts about your relationship, maybe he is not the guy for you? I do think you have issues that you need to work on, and because of this youre not ready for a relationship. To be able to give and receive love you need to work on your issues deep down first. Your relationship will not work because of the unresloved past feelings in which you have taken into your new relationship. You are taking out your unresloved feelings on your boyfriend, it will eventually take a toll on him as well. He may not want to stick around if it continues. I think personally, you are not ready for a realtionship and need to take a step back to work on yourself.

Please consider some relationship councilling from Relationships Australia, this could be a really good place for you to start some self healing 1300 364 277.