Not sure how to move on!

Sue1708 · ‎05-01-2015

Four and a half months ago I was in a loving marriage with a man that said he would stand by me for life. Now, through my actions, he is in the arms of another woman and not even talking to me.You see, before I met him I got in to trouble with the law and in August, I went to court and was sent to prison for 4 months.It happened 5 days after our first wedding anniversary. He knew about what was going on but I was trying to be positive and hope that it would be fine and not end up with me in prison. Just before this happened, I owed some money to a government department, which was related to the case, and was told that if I paid it, it would help my sentence. It was for a significant amount and we didn't have that money, so I asked my husband's sister to lend it to us.Being ashamed of what was happening, and not wanting her to know what was going on, I lied about why I needed the money and said it was for our deposit for the house we were building.I said I would pay it back within the week, which was possible, but then with the lawyer fees other expenses to try and win the case, I ended up using our savings and not having the money to pay her back. One lie led to another and another and because of how ashamed I felt, I couldn't even tell me husband where all the money went, I kept saying that there was a problem with the bank. When I was sent to prison, my husband had to deal with everything, including everyday things plus what happened to the money to go back to his sister and our savings for our house. I couldn't tell him to his face, so taking the weak way out, I sent him a letter telling him everything. I spoke to him one night and the letter hadn't arrived, so I told him everything on the phone. The disappointment in his voice killed me.Not only was he trying to cope with how I betrayed him, he was also finding out that I was pretty hopeless with finances and didn't pay our bills on time, so a few were with debt collection companies. Needless to say, he was finding it hard to cope when we could only talk for 10 minutes a day.I found out when I got out, that 2 weeks after I went in to prison he had signed up to an adult dating site and was looking for company. Four weeks after I went in to prison, he started dating another woman, yet he never told me.I found out when I got home from facebook! I know it's all my fault and I kept saying sorry and if we talked maybe we could work through it,but obviously not. How do I move on? He's the love of my life.

Jazznblues · ‎16-01-2015

You have been honest and apologetic, yes after the event but you did not intentionally set out to hurt anyone you must remember this. I know it is difficult but be kind to yourself and let go. I say this because in the unlikely event you and he get back together there would always be issues of trust and your history would be raised in heated moments. To be fair to him such things would be difficult to find out and being the one eft to deal with his sister. Sue, it won't be easy but I do know it is well worth the challenge and the biggest challenge is forgiving yourself and liking YOU again. As I said ...you were doing the best you could the best way you knew how under difficult circumstances...you have made amends in the legal sense and made an honest attempt to make amends with your husband and family Now it is time to make amends with yourself...once you do then moving on will be an easier step xxx

puska · ‎21-01-2015

Hi Sue1708

Jazznblues said it well.

Sometimes we can only fix ourselves, not necessarily situations and certainly not others.

Even when we love people our response or reactions when under stress may not have been what we would elect to do under better conditions. Fear and anger can elicit uncharacteristic behaviour.

While you can't change what your husband decides to do or not do you can start anew for you.

What happened happened. You have made your amends legally and you have tried with your husband. Right now you have to look after you.

Look ahead, learn from your experiences. Set your goals. for the day, then for two days, then for the week, the month. Journal your dreams and wishes for the year.

A gratitude journal helped me focus on at least one thing I had to be grateful for that day. It can be as simple as enjoying a sweet banana, finding a seat on the train, fresh water, clean air.

Developing a plan of action for your future - making sure that you have daily goals that are achievable - it could be as simple as getting up in the morning, having a shower, eating breakfast etc. As you feel stronger you can become more demanding in your goals - a job interview etc

Become the person you love so that your heart and mind are ready for the man of your dreams. You never know what or who is around the corner.