Hi, I am new to this site. I have had 2 years of having a hard time with depression. It started 2 years ago with a break up & it took me 1 & a 1/2 years to feel ok. Ive had ups & downs, some months good, others bad. I thought I was getting there leading up to Xmas this year, & I met an amazing man 3 days before Xmas. We had an amazing 3 weeks together, I spent nearly every day with him in that 3 weeks. He is going through a divorce & a nasty financial settlement & he has a high pressured job & hence really run down this time of year (hes a chef) anyway, he told me last week that he cant gethurt again & he cant bring the walls down of his heart, he needs to know if its right before he makes his mind up about "us ". Since then he has backed off & Im am just so sad, its all accumlated to me having a mini meltdown I guess. My Dr has put me on antidepressants (started yesterday) do they work? Will they help me? I feel so low & so scared. My pyschologist is amazing (seeing him today) but why when I finally thought I found happiness (first time in my life) does this happen? How long do I give this guy a chance to see if he wants a relationship with me? Its been a week? Should I just end it myself, or just give him more time? Or should I just read the writing on the wall with him being a bit distant? Or is that normal for a man to think things over & need time? I am so scared of my future, I hate my job & just cant see a way out. Im faling down the preferbial rabbit hole. And why have I fallen into such a depression from sumone ive only known 4 weeks?
I cant see how life can ever be happy'? I just feel so lost & sad &cant see the light at the of the tunnel.
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Hi Unhappyintas, Glad you found us on beyond blue forums.
I have all my reloes in Tassy, lovely place. Now lets flip this over a little and examine your story. And most importantly- be realistic.
You met him 3 days before xmas. So you've known him less than one month but you are in love already and devastated he want time. Having a mental illness often means you have some symptoms of other mental illnesses. You seem impulsive and tend to "dive" into a relationship. I know, its almost impossible to pull up the reins but if you dont you'll lose him.
I'm sure he is saying to himself "whhhoooo" this is going too quick for me, I need time to get my head together. And he has been honest with you to. I dont think it means he wants to break it off at all.
Add to all that his burdens of financial settlements and getting over a bad marriage and he is overloaded.
Also read these threads- use search-
What life is like at the end of the tunnel
Talking to men- some tips
Depression- a ship on the high seas
Hope they help. Tony WK
Thanks Tony. Yes its been less than a month (a month today) but he was the one who was so eager and I was a little reserved. I havent been in a realtionship in 2 years and that was very toxic, so I am definately not impulsive to jump into a relationship as I am terrified of falling in love. I guess meeting a guy after all my long relationships have been toxic in the past, and meeting a guy who seemed genuine and nice and nothing like my past relationships, it has rocked me that he turned cold I guess. My last relationship lasted 9 years (he was from another part of Tas) and I had never spent 3 weeks with him - whereas this one I basically spent every night for 2 weeks with him - which rocked me that a guy could be so different that I had experienced before.
I guess it doesnt help that I am really hating my job at the moment, and this little ray of sunshine really made my life happy. It was the first time in any relationship (im 42) that I felt happy, safe and had trust. So I guess it was a way to escape life when i wasnt happy in my job (I am looking but work in Tas isnt easy to find) I could have this little happy bubble that took my mind off all the other stuff in life.
Hi there Unhappy In Tas
Welcome to Beyond Blue.
Um, can I say that yes, this is all a bit ‘whirl-wind-ish’ and that when you do meet someone and ‘hit it off’ pretty much straight away, there are just awesome feelings that are churning around the whole body and mind; and being honest, the rational thought process function kind of goes on the blink for those early times.
As White Knight pointed out, this guy being a chef at this time of year, would be really under the pump with his job, and on top of that, he’s dealing with a divorce, financial settlement and that he’s still perhaps getting over the last relationship – so heaps on his mind.
Having said all that, you had 3 weeks together; but then he’s eased his foot off the accelerator and has wanted distance. So that has been given in the shape of 1 week, but there is now no news from the chef? I’d be contacting him to see what’s happening and if there’s any chance of a catch up? But if there’s any hesitation or the like from him, I think perhaps this one might not be ‘the one’. But hells bells, what do I know – I guess I’m just offering my thought on this for you, but am not really sure what avenue of attack you should try.
With regard to anti-depressants, they do take a while before they kick in – it’s usually 3-4 weeks before you begin to notice the assistance they’ll provide for you.
For your job; even though you currently hate it, it’s better to have it, than to not have one. The thing I could suggest here is that you continually look and apply for other jobs; as you’re going to be in a far better position applying for other jobs while you’re already employed. So stick it out there, but apply like crazy for other ones.
I’m pleased that you have come here; and I hope that White Knight and myself (so far) have provided even a little bit of help with our responses to you.
Also would love to hear back from you.
Hi Unhappyin Tas,
There are some good posts on google about relationships that begin quickly, how men and women think.
I think Tony and Neil were right on the mark with their suggestions. Your involvement travelled very quickly over a short period of time.
His reasons for slowing down don't appear to be about you but about him. They are probably sensible for you both in terms of slowing things down.
Sometimes it is those relationships that travel at the light of speed that we can tend to miss warning signs or healthy markers. Especially when he has just come out of a long term relationship and going through setllement and you are unhappy in your work.
Nothing is more scary than going into a relationship because you are unhappy with something else or struggling with issues and looking for something to bring happiness.
This could be good time out for you both.
I think giving him a casual call, for a simple get together is a good idea - but just one call. Throw the ball, casually back in his court and see where it goes.
Good luck. Hope you find a new job that you love.