I am having trouble coping lately

[Helen58]

My name is Helen, I'm 56 years old and I'm new to all this so please understand if I'm not too clear. Several years ago I'd sat beside my mother as she'd passed away (aged 86) from bowel cancer. From the time it was diagnosed to the time she passed was about 8 weeks, so there wasn't a lot of time to grieve. Dad had died when I was little and Mum had raised 6 of us, never marrying again, so she had very little time to spend with each of us individually but she did the best she could. What started my depression was that even before she had been placed in palliative care, the rest of the family were already fighting over the spoils, even clearing out her house while she was in a general ward at the hospital. I was never given anything from the house to remember her by which was ok as I had the privilege of being there at the end anyway. A couple of years before Mum's passing, one of my older sister's died from lung cancer, being a heavy smoker. Then Mum. Then within the next couple of years all of my pets passed on, having had them for 10 years or more. Then about 4 years ago my grandneice (15 years old) was killed in a car accident. Less than 3 weeks after this, one of my older brothers passed away from bowel cancer and within 24 hours of his passing, my last remaining older sister passed away from lung cancer (also a heavy smoker). By this time I was a wreck as the rest of the family each had a significant other to help them get through it and I was still living alone. (Still am now). The sadness was unbearable and I just gave up almost. I had owned a house that ended up being reposessed because I couldn't function enough to keep it going. Then I moved in with my last remaining older brother and his "significant other" who took a dislike to me because I took my brother's attention off her. Then for some unknown reason, my son and my daughter in law decided that taking me to the Guardianship Tribunal was the best way to "Help" me as they didn't think I was fit to look after myself. I was working and at the mediation, they were the ones made to look bad by the panel solicitor who thankfully stood up for me. They haven't spoken to me now in nearly 3 years and this week I just lost it. It's all too much! Back on the meds again after stopping in 2011. There's more but I'm stressed enough as it is. How would any of you cope with this? I could really do with a just huge shoulder to cry on at the moment so I thought this forum would be very helpful for me to vent.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Helen

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and sharing your post.

Wow, your story is a deep and troubled one and the amount of close deaths of family members experienced by you is more than most people could possibly cope with.

It sounds like you’ve been having to cope with all this for such a long time now and largely, by yourself??

It is pleasing to hear that you’ve been able to get back on some medication again – does that also mean that you’ve been along to your GP recently, so that they are also aware of just how things are for you at this time??

It’s great that you’ve been able to reach out on this site – there are some amazing people here, who I believe will be coming along and providing you with posts of possible advice, guidance and above all else, support for you.  I know we’re all just via the internet and behind keyboards, but believe me when I say, it DOES help to be able to vent here and unload and share.  There’s many shoulders here who are brilliant for leaning on.

I do hope that you can stay with us for as long as you feel comfortable in doing so – and I hope that by providing your first post, even just typing it down, has hopefully helped you in a small way.  Please write back to us as often as you feel able to and if you have questions, please fire away with them.

Kind regards

Neil

[Helen58]

Thank you so much for those kind words Neil. Yes I've been coping on my own for most of this and not having any family around has been extremely difficult. I did have a couple of (what I thought were) good friends who ended up being dragged into the thing with the Guardianship Tribunal and also have not contacted me in 3 years so it's sometimes very difficult. I'm mostly afraid that if I do make any friends that they will be taken away from me too so I tend to keep to myself. It took me up until now (3 years) to even approach another doctor as well. The last one I had was recommended by my daughter in law who saw fit to approach this doctor and discuss my situation. The doctor was nominated as one of their witnesses and knowing that she could be in serious trouble ethically, declined to go into the detail that my daughter in law wanted so most of their case fell by the wayside. They had wanted to take over my finances and had written this wonderful letter about how bad I was but neglecting to mention that the daughter in law had and still was, on medication for severe bi-polar herself. I sent a rebuttal telling the tribunal that I would not want to have someone who had this type of issue take over my finances when, at the time I had not been diagnosed with anything but depression.  The solicitor on the panel was a lovely man who made no secret of the fact that he was appalled at their treatment of me and found in my favour, chastising them at every opportunity. He even made my son read out a line from one of the letters he'd written to the Tribunal in response to my letter and stating "I want nothing more to do with my mother from now on unless she apologises for the way she put down my wife"...I wasn't about to apologise for telling the truth so hence we haven't spoken. I did manage to tell him that was his choice and that no matter what I still loved him. The wife was audibly heard to scoff in the background as it was a telephone mediation because I was at work. So that's been the hardest thing to deal with.. the deaths in the family have hit me really hard but I had raised my son as a single parent and he always told me that the one thing he remembered from his childhood was the fun and the craziness, because I used to love being silly with him. He was my joy. Now, I guess he's been brainwashed into believing that I'm the truly crazy one and that hurts the most. I will never stop loving him or believing that one day I'll see him again.

[Neil_1]

Hi Helen

Family troubles – they are so unnecessary and silly – but they happen and they happen often.  I don’t know why some people become so toxic and insist that everyone is wrong, except for themselves.  It doesn’t do anything to help a situation and more often than not, only makes things so much worse.

I wish I was able to provide you with more advice on this, but while I’m not in the same situation as you, there’s a situation brewing that is downright ugly.

Please stay with us here and keep posting.

Kind regards

Neil

[Helen58]

Hello again Neil and again thank you for your kind words of support. I finally worked up the courage to try the meds again but unfortunately I had such a severe reaction that I'm inclined to leave them be for the time being. I approached the police over an issue with the "significant other" of my last remaining brother and the police constable was wonderful. They promised they would look into it as this "other" had managed to make things more difficult for me by contacting people I deal with regularly and make life even harder. Why people are so vindictive is truly mind blowing to me when if they just left me alone, I'd be out of their hair and not have to deal with them ever again. Since my recent approach to the local police and my wonderful discussion in person, with the lovely man who owns my current rental property, I seem to now have a much more hassle free life. The neighbour who had been causing multiple issues (thanks to my family member's approach to them) seems to have gone extremely quiet and things have improved in the neighbourhood dramatically whereas before it was a constant barrage of things it is now relatively quiet in comparison. Having the wonderful landlord on side also helps with the (at times) difficult estate agent and the petty things they would pick up on inspection days (like not cleaned sliding door tracks and a pile of leaves in the back yard) no longer seems to worry them, especially now that I also approached Fair Trading about their conduct. So instead of just sitting back and taking it all, I've actually been pro-active and made moves to make my life more tension free. At least now I feel like I have breathing room and can actually stop and think about things. Everyone has a choice and I chose to be too compliant to not make any more issues for myself when in fact I was causing myself more by just accepting things instead of standing up for myself. It's taken me a while to work this out and it looks like I might have a little bit better Christmas this year. I'm slowly coming to terms with the situation with my son but it still hurts though just a little less at the moment. I feel like I should be less concerned about myself though when we've had such horror with the Martin Place seige. My heart goes out to the families of the victims and I would love to just give them all a big hug. I'll post again soon hopefully but it's looking promising for my situation at the moment.

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

Awesome to hear back from you again and thanx for your latest reply.

I’ve just finished writing to another person on this site about the courage that they are displaying – and indeed, courage comes in many shapes and forms and with what you’ve been able to do of late, that is really awesome.  

But before I go on, I do have to 100% agree with you – why do people have to be so vengeful, spiteful and mean?  I just do not understand it – I think it is the bully mentality;  that this is the way these people are and will always be.  But to be this way in the aftermath of the death of a loved one, just defies normal human characteristics.  I could go on, but it’s something that I’m trying to keep under wraps as well;  it’s been pretty quiet on my side of things for a while now, which is awesome, but I have no doubt that there’ll be further crap to deal with in the New Year.  And yes, as you’ve mentioned – if they’d just go about their own business, etc;  they could go on with their hateful lives and we can live ours – totally apart and totally happy (well, I’ll be “happy”;  they’ll always be hateful to almost everyone they come in contact with).

Good on you for going to the Police and getting things seen to in that manner.  And great news that by you doing that, has really had a great after effect for you.  Less trouble, less hassles – and you made another comment about “standing up for yourself” – and that again is doing something against a bully – where so often they will get away with it because the victim just does nothing;  but if you make a challenge, and when it’s a sole bully, they don’t normally come up against an offensive and don’t like it.  Just my thoughts on that.

The hurt regarding your son will still be very much there – and in a way, these other things have taken place and have been kind of a distraction – but it doesn’t detract from the fact of what has happened.  I personally think that’s where occupation of the mind is something that should be pursued.  Whether it’s pushing certain “bad” things under the carpet for a while by not addressing it, is up for debate – but it is one way of coping.

There’s been some horrific things happening in the world of late – some things just should never happen.  😞

But Helen, I hope that Christmas for you is a super relaxing one and even more so, a Happy one for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Helen58]

Hi Neil, once again thank you for your words of support. They mean a great deal to me and have helped me more than I can convey in words on this forum. It's the kindness that has made me feel so much better and someone actually supporting what I've done to try and stop at least some of the "crud" from recurring has really made a difference. I've been preoccupied sorting things over Christmas and New Year and I hope yours was relatively stress-less....I've been back to a different doctor who has made a world of difference to me by actually listening and taking my situation seriously...he's a really genuine type of doctor and has referred me to a wonderful counsellor (physchologist) who is as down to earth and truly helpful as I could want. I've had my first session with her yesterday and for the very first time in a long long time, I went to bed last night and slept for 6 hours straight without waking up at all and/or depending on medication to help me sleep.It was such an amazing feat for me that I can't help feeling that things will soon start to sort themselves out now that I've begun to not only stand up for myself, but realise that I'm not alone and that there are kind people (like yourself ) out in the world who are only here to help me through my pain. I still can't quite see too far into the future but the fact that I'm slowly starting to realise that not only am I able to have one (a future) but it might just be a happier one than I imagined. Imagination is my worst enemy at the moment and the psychologist has made me see that my mental health is up to me and I need to focus on the solution instead of on the problem....so I'm getting there. I hope your situation at the moment is not too painful for you and even though I'm still trying to cope with my own situation, please believe that I wish and hope that yours starts to take a positive step and you are able to get through your pain in a way that helps you best. The psychologist encouraged me to look up "cortisol" on the internet (a naturally occuring hormone in our bodies) and just what it does to your body if you are stressed. What I found made me realise that stressing myself out needlessly (projecting a bleak future etc...) was only adding to it so perhaps it may help you out as well and anyone else you know that could do with just a little more encouragement. Take care and I wish for you a future with only good and positive vibes in it. You are a good person to take time out to help others.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Helen;

Great to hear back from you as always and I can never get over the fact that you’re in Scotland, pretty much on the other side of the globe and here we are in Australia;  in all our respective locations.   In some places battling the heat of summer and others, where the temps haven’t risen to any great heights just yet;  but still plenty of time for that.

Wow, thank you so much for your wonderful and kind words – I guess I’ve found that to reach out to others who are in a bad way, helps me.  It’s a bit funny in a way, that I’m using my years of suffering and the experience/knowledge gained from that to promote it to others through this site and to help out as much as I can.  If I never suffered from this mongrel disease, then I would probably never have come to this site.  But it is a kind of therapy for me in a way and so I continue to do it.  When I hear messages back from people, like you’ve just expressed, it really does fill me with a feeling of pride and that I’m ‘doing something good with my life’.  So to read your response, I really do thank you so much.

The things that you’ve put into place to help you get to a ‘better place’ are sounding like they’re really reaping benefits now – a new doctor and a new psyche, both of which you have found to be beneficial to you;  and as we know, even finding a good and caring dr can be a hit & miss project.   And if you’ve felt such awesome benefits from just the one session with this new person, the next number of sessions could really create a ‘new you’.  But just to get your sleep to be different and better for you was a massive tick for you.

And yes, while imagination can be a wondrous thing;   it can also be bad for us if we can’t overly control it and let it run away and play nasty games with us in our minds.  So if your psyche is able to assist you with this and to harness it in and to make it work for you in a fun, positive and helpful way, this is yet another aspect that is going to be so amazing for you.

For me, at present, it’s kind of slow and steady; with no real news, which is good.   I guess the old philosophy of no news is good news.  🙂

As always, write back whenever you feel able too.

Neil