Negative feelings towards in-laws

[Raisa]

My husband's family, his mother (F53), father (M67), initially did not accept me as a daughter in law. They used to taunt me, insult me in subtle and obvious ways. Sometimes infornt of my husband and sometimes behind his back. I always wanted to share my feelings with my husband but he used to get defensive. Didn't stand up for me for an entire year.

Nowadays, he says he realizes that his parents hurt me and they did wrong. But he says, his mom is kind of naive and doesn't know what to say or how to say things to a person. I believe, his mom is supet cunning and loves to hurt people because she is a jealous and insecure woman. Now me and my husband lives in another country far aways from his parents (for work related issues).
My problem is I am not being able to forgive my in-laws even though they behave in a good way to me sometimes (depends on their mood). My husband showers his love upon them over the phone. I know they are his parents and he must love them. But I feel very angry and disgust towards my husband when he does that. And i think he does that intentionally infront of me. Why would he do that?
What should I do? I am not being able to forget what they made me feel. I cannot forgive them.

Am I overreacting?
Please provide me some valueable advice on this!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

When you said "I do" at your wedding, you didn't agree to marry your in-laws.

Therein lies my answer but of course it isn't that easy. Nasty unwelcoming in-laws usually pay a price for their lack of accepting a new member into the fold.

I think it's best to allow more time to heal and occasionally test the waters as to how they treat you.

Always talk mutually or positive about them to your husband. They say "blood is thicker than water".

This thread explains it also.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/in-laws-the-b... 

TonyWK

[HappyHelper88]

Hello that must be tough I have issues with my in laws too, they accept me but are just a different culture im not used to and are very loud and say inappropriate things

My partner gets defensive when i say anything also he just tells me to ignore them
Great to hear you got away that's my plan to create some distance
Its very hard and easier said then done but i think you have to accept the situation to make peace with it for yourself, i have learned to accept things the way they are as i cant change them

thats my advice as if you hold onto it you will feel worse, but also talk to someone else about it external like a family member or close friend
Alternatively reach out to the BB support service if you need
I hope this helps

[Mark Z.]

Hi Raisa,

I hear you!

My wife and I have been married for 16 years, we have two lovely children and our family is very happy. However my parents were strongly against our marriage in the beginning, They think my wife and I are from different social classes and they look down on my wife and her parents.

16 years later, this problem is still not resolved. I'm still the one in the middle, I still respect my parents who raised me, and I still love my wife deeply. My parents thought that my wife's parents have low incomes and that they will be a big financial burden on us in their old age. They always try to quietly warn me. My wife was deeply hurt when she found out about it by accident. She cannot forgive my parents.

My parents and I live in different countries and I have to cut down on my contact with my parents to protect my wife and my family. My wife is happy 95% of the time when she forgets my parents but her trauma is rekindled when she thinks of them. I can only keep comforting her, but I can't remove the trauma deep inside her. I'm in pain too, I feel deeply guilty about my wife and my parents, and I probably won't be able to fix it for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry that I cannot give you an advice, because I messed up too. I just want you to know that your husband may have similar pain as me, he might as well have nowhere to talk like me, he might feel deep guilty like me.

You don't have to forgive his parents if you don't want to, don't force yourself to do so. But please forgive your husband. Nothing is perfect, but you love him, he loves you, this is enough.

If anyone has similar lived experience and better solution, I'd love to hear.

Mark

[Raisa]

Hi Mark

Thank you for this reply. I feel better now.

I feel rage towards my in laws and husband when they are speaking on the phone (they are all lovey dovey). I feel entirely left out and I feel like my husband never really understood what they made me feel. How should I deal with the rage that I feel towards my husband and in laws when they are speaking?

Sometimes I feel that my husband is always trying to balance out, keeping me happy and parents too. And I am very close to my own family, so when he sees me very close with my family, he also tries to show me that he is also close with his family. I am feeling very messed up now

[Raisa]

One day my mother in law said infront of my husband me: 'your father is pretty rich, how did he become so rich maybe he takes bribes right? I saw people getting arrested in TV for taking bribes, for a while I thought it was your father'.

Trust me!! My husband didnt say a word to her after she said that. I was so hurt and shocked that I could not defend myself in that situation. I still cannot forget that and I cannot stand my mother in law after that day no matter how good she behaves now. I can't forget the fact that my husband did not stand up for me or my father that day! I am so hurt when my husbabd still goes all lovey dovey with his mother infront of me....

[Mark Z.]

Hi Raisa,

When you say, when your husband sees you very close to your family, he also tries to show you he is also close to his family. Maybe yes, maybe no, why not having an open and honest communication with your husband about this at a good timing?

And I don't think it's a good idea for 'revenge', you won't get anything you want from revenge. Maybe you can do some experiment, next time when having a chat with your family, try to praise your husband, try to stand for him, and see his response. Maybe your actions will cause a different chemical reaction in your husband's mind, which may give you two a better chance to sit down and have a good talk.

Mark

[Juliet_84]

Hi Raisa,

I don’t blame you for feeling that way towards your in-laws. They have shown you a tremendous amount of disrespect and your husband sat idly by and did not defend you. Not only that but your feelings were minimized and dismissed. Only now, after the fact, does he admit that it was wrong but still makes excuses for it. They are his parents so he loves them understandably but you have no such bond with them. And so your view of them based on their behavior is now tainted, you have seen what type of people they are and you don’t like them. I imagine you also have a healthy dose of resentment towards your husband who did not defend you. But this happens all the time in families unfortunately. As such you really only have two options, plaster on a fake smile and be polite and know underneath what mean-spirited people they are. I would also minimize the amount of contact I have with them if possible, let your husband see them on his own. If he has something to say about it feel free to set him straight on how you feel about the situation. If they say something rude to you like they did about your father, feel free to come back with a barb or the odd shot and pretend it was a joke. Or remove them from your life. A bit more extreme and will no doubt cause problems in your marriage, but it’s really up to you and how you feel.

[Sla24-]

Hi Raisa, sorry that your mother in law has been so nasty to you . My mother in law never accepted me into the family too. She would always put me down ( but tried to make out that she was only joking) bossed me around all the time by telling me how to raise my children, and she would talk about me to her daughter,and my children would hear them. I could never say anything to my husband as he would get really angry and not want to know about it. It went on for so many years and I just took her disrespecting me until I finally had enough and I cut all ties with her. I had to do this for my own self worth and mental state. My husband still goes and sees her and has never said anything to her about the way that she treated me. I have a lot of resentment towards him. Hoping things work out for you and your Mother in law starts treating you with respect. It’s awful not being accepted and been constantly hurt and disrespected. 

[KindnessWithin]

Hi Raisa. I have a similar storyline except the in-laws are my parents and my husband endured the behaviours. My parents never apologised for any awful horrible accusations unprovoked and some of them were plain bizarre! My parents said many nasty things about me too.

My personal experience is it’s awful and I’m so sorry you have to endure this.

In my case I have an incredibly supportive husband who has so much love and forgiveness in his heart.

The solution we found after over 15 years of this is:

-Low contact (casual texts only and an in-person visit every few weeks).

-When we visit we go in person we do it only as a family unit. I will never ever visit individually again.

What’s happened is my family has gotten to know us as a family unit and I can sense a change from my parents of thawing and a different attitude.

I think it’s an awful and unfair situation to find yourself in and it says more about them than you. Many times people who are awful don’t know any better (imagine their own negative self-talk - must be awful!).

Best wishes.