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Needing to separate from husband for child’s sake and mine

Sue01
Community Member

Hi I’m new to this.. I am posting this forum as I have been thinking constantly of leaving my husband for months/years. I am in a marriage that is verbally abusive and want to get out.

Our daughter is in primary school and has been living in this toxic environment with me. Thoughts have been running around in my head constantly... how will we survive financially as I am studying in my 50s and don’t have a full time job.
I have no family where I live, they live in another state, but if I go back to them (elderly parents and 2 brothers) Where will we live and employment options are low. I don’t want my daughter having a life with no family around her but me if we stay in this state. I own a house with my husband but if I move out and leave him will he trash the house and so we can’t sell it for a good amount. If I stay in this area after leaving him will all his family and relations who live here make it hard on me.
I would have left him years ago if it wasn’t for my daughter as even though he is verbally abusive my daughter loves him very much (she knows he’s an angry man), but wouldn’t want us to separate, but I don’t want her growing up thinking this is a normal relationship.
What to do, and how I take my first step, I don’t know.
Has anyone been in this situation and come out the other side better off??

5 Replies 5

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Sue01

We're so greatful to have you reach out to our community, and are sorry to hear about what you have been going through. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. We've also chacked in with you via email to provide you with some additonal supports.

Keep checking in to let us know how you're going, when ever you feel up to it.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hi Sue01 and welcome to beyond blue.

it sounds as though you are stuck in making a decision whether to say in the relation with your husband or leave. I cannot tell you what you do and only you know the right decision to make. The best suggestion I could give is to go to 1800RESPECT -

web site: https://www.1800respect.org.au

phone number:1800 737 732

and have a chat with them. You have thought about this for a long time so talking about what is going on with someone might be helpful to you. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this? Parents? Friends? If not, please know it takes courage to come to place like this and post your story - you will be supported by the people in this community.

On studying in your 50s... I am not really aware of how things are financially but I am nearly 50 and will be studying well into my 50s as I have plans with what I want to do with the skills I am learning. You may find self paced learning easier. What/How are you studying at the moment?

I hope you come back and share more of your story. You are important.

Tim

Sue01
Community Member
Thank you Sophie and Smallwolf for your replies.
I am currently studying community services.
My husband and I tried counselling once, but he hated it and reckons it is a waste of time. He drinks heavily most nights, but his family and friends only see him as a caring nice man.
He has a very strong personality and nothing is ever his fault, even if he was the one that made the error he will blame myself or our child. I have tried talking to him and he verbally throws the blame back at me for the way I see things. He has said some horrible things to me that I will never forget. Our daughter use to tell me that she feels that her dad hates her, and how can I let him talk to me like that...now I notice that she is acting a lot like him with the “blaming everyone else”, looking for his approval and trying to make him happy.
I know I need to leave for myself and my child’s sake but I am so worried how we will survive on our own.
I know you can’t tell anyone whether to “leave or “stay”, but I think I’d just like to know my options/support if I decide to leave.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

At the moment there is a great unknown if you choose you leave. As things stand as they are you know what you expect and perhaps some comfort there - for lack of any better word. Sorry.

Does your husband know about your plans of wanting to leave?

In relation to the "what to do" part, you will find information on government web sites you could look at. A google search for

how to leave abusive relationship

will point you in the right direction.

What would happen if your husband did not drink? Would the relationship look different? Or is he abusive when he does not drink?

TunnelVision
Community Member

Hi Sue, I was in a similar situation to you a few years back and am now divorced and much happier for it.

How much longer have you got to go in your course? How many hours a week are you studying? Can you step up your hours of work and keep up your study or perhaps drop your study load a little?

You will need money if you leave - do you have some savings you can use? I left and took nothing and have now managed to rebuild something of a home for my 3 kids. My ex kept the house and paid me out and I now rent. The legal side of things is what will cost you the most.

My ex sounds a lot like your husband. He was unpleasant and contemptuous to me and the kids but everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy. I also worried he would trash the house to lower the value but fortunately he did not.

Trust me that you will feel a great relief once you do not have the constant weight of an unhappy home life on you, when you can live life on your own terms. I also did not want my kids growing up thinking that our unhappy relationship was what a marriage looks like. I talk to them a bit these days about how dad and I were unhappy and did not work together to make sure they understand that.