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Need some Answeres about family & sibling issues.

Nhelw1
Community Member

For as long as I can remember I'm not sure why but my brother always had something against me, There's been many seperate individual events but all in all just years of verbal, mental, psyical and General abuse. I am nearly 25 years old and it's getting to the stage where I will no longer deal with the issue but I have this strong push to legally do something so I can move on and live normally but I also don't want to put further strain on my family and defiantly not my parents. To make things a little more complicated, both my brother and I are working within a large family business that makes life that little bit harder. With all the things that have happened over the years I have always tried to be the bigger person but the truth is I'm 24 and he's just over 30 now. Just to give out some background. Things begun a really long time ago. I know as I was a kid I was constantly being pushed away from him when all I really wanted to do was be with him. If I tried to much to be with him things would either get very verbal or very psyical. I've been picked up by the neck and sworn to that one day I will die and so much more but I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyday there is that worry about "what's gunna happen next" but at the same time all I really want to do is move on. I can't seem to forget things and whenever I see him I feel angry. ive had some major health issues over the last year, I spend just under 5 months in hospital last year and the recovery is taking a long time. I am doing my best to get back into work and get on track however as much as I try he seems to keep wanting to tell me I don't put enough effort in and I'm basically useles.

I'm forever being told by my other siblings that he is in the wrong and he can't be changed but now I'm getting told by them that I'm in the wrong because I won't immediately forget everything and move on but no one seems to want to recognise that it's still going on and that I can't forget. They seem to always criticise but no one wants to help. I also have a lot of anger towards my parents because even though they knew many things nothing was ever done and still isn't. I don't want to be angry at anyone I just want to be with my family however I constantly feel out of place and uncomfortable around them.

Anyways I could probably talk for ever but what I really want to ask is. Should I take legal action to better my life or should I leave it, I'm stuck between a rock wall. I don't know what to do.

13 Replies 13

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nhelwl 1. Here's hoping things start looking up from now on. Whatever your plans for the future, I would be a bit careful how much you share with your brother. Any advancement for you, in his eyes, unfortunately could create more agro from him. When someone who has the problems your brother has, the person, in their eyes, who's causing the agro, to him, only causes more resentment if they seem to be getting ahead in their work or life in general. No matter what you do in your life, your brother will only see that, to him, you seem to be doing better. I think I'd be inclined to, as the saying goes: 'tell him nothing, and take him nowhere'.

If he asks what you're doing, tell him you're looking at your options. Try to tell him as little as possible. You are basically in a no-win situation with him.

Best wishes.

Lynda.

Your brother sounds very like my husband. He was, and still is, an expert at making a comment and going away leaving me confused and hurt. It's because he says it with such authority and, having got me to state of disbelief in myself, he knew which buttons to press. I left him 16 years ago and a year later, after the euphoria of being free had worn off, fell into a huge depression. I avoid him at family gatherings and speak as little as possible to him. I was often told I did not do enough and was lazy even though I cared for four children without help from him, worked full time and completed a degree at uni, part time. I was never good enough. Your example at the pool sounds exactly like the sort of thing he did. At the very least he embarrassed me.

It is sad your mom is hurting, but frankly she should have stopped this bullying when your and your brother were very young. My husband had a bad upbringing with an abusive mother. Very sad and I do feel for him. However, he knows right from wrong and was always quite aware of what he was doing. It was his revenge on his mother, but I suffered for it.

Anyway, enough of me. If you are really concerned about your well-being you can get a court order to stop him being within a certain distance of you. Perhaps this also something you can discuss with your friends. One suggestion. Your legal friends will have heaps of knowledge and can give you information. I suggest you go to a lawyer who does not know you and can be objective. Friends cannot always be objective. You could ask them for a the name of a good lawyer to go to.

You sound as though you have some good strategies in place. Your brother's comments will probably always hurt but you need to find a way to put them on one side. If he cannot be near you or contact you by email or phone, the opportunities will be reduced. You can also ask your family and friends not to repeat his comments to you and that you prefer not to discuss him.

Mary

Nhelw1
Community Member

Thank you to all who helped me out previously. It was really an eye opener. A small update on things... I got my hr team to give him a team and for him to hopefully get the ability to learn about things but him not knowing I had anything to do with it and he never did. Things were OK for a while but when myself and a few colleagues went interstate for work the incident reports flowed in. There was verbal abuse to other team members and people weren't happy. By law both parties are usually supposed to complete the incident report but when I forwarded what I received to him and simply asked him to fill it out as well his reply was (and I quote) "stick this where the sun doesn't shine". Even though that hurt a bit I let it go. Then to put the cherry on the cake I got a text message from him asking me to do something immeaditally for him but I was stuck in a doctors appointment and couldn't leave. His reply to me not being able to come then and there was (again. I quote) "now your 55 year old father is going to have to do it you good for nothing piece of sh*t". It went on for a bit but i stopped replying because I thought it would just fuel the already burning fire.

since then we haven't spoken at all. He resigned from the company and not works with us on a contract basis but what hurts me is that it's hurting my parents were not communicating. I haven't seen my nephews for a while and I feel guilty that I can't see them because they have nothing to do with it and don't deserve it. His wife sent me a message a while back asking me to let things go and forget it all even though he won't own up to his actions because she believes he really does love me but acts tough. As much as I'm saddened by all of this I am defiantly lonly. I See all of my friends and their siblings so close but my life is simply me and my work. Nothing more. I guess my question is. Can things be healed? Will it take time or should I just grow a pair and move on?

pipsy
Community Member
Hi Nhelw1. While I'm sorry this has happened, I'm actually not that surprised. Unfortunately, due to your brother's inability to 'click' with people, he needs to feel he can be superior to them in every way. He will possibly not be able to work in with others for this reason. His jealousy towards you is extremely deep-seated and he won't change or admit to it because he doesn't understand it. He actually has quite a complex, superior and inferior, which while it may sound strange even funny, it's actually very sad. I can't see things improving until your brother gets some help, which I doubt he will. If you can maintain contact with your family, unbeknown to him, that would be good for you. Perhaps try to arrange a coffee/tea outing/gathering minus him and without his knowledge. I can't say whether he loves you or anyone, he needs to love himself before he can love others. If he doesn't love himself, he will never be able to 'join in', for fear of being ignored or perhaps the feeling of being laughed at. I know you're not laughing at him, but he may feel you are.