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Need some advice please ?

bindi_
Community Member

my 9 year old son is compulsive liar to me even if i see him do it, he yells at me treats me like crap tells me im a bad mother because i send him to him room or i take all his privileges away from him. but he only does it when his father isn't around. but when his father around he would be all nice and "ok" mum no worries do you need me to help "? i tell him just leave me alone im 6 months pregnant and totally stressed out. his constantly at me all the time eg 5 mins away dinner he asked me for an apple i said no you just had dinner he said to me well why have you been giving everyone apples over the last two weeks i said because it was the holidays and they are for school. the other kids had ice-cream he said he didn't want any. then i sat down and started eating my dinner while the kids were in the shower then he said i want ice-cream now , i did said no to him. then he starts yelling at me. I'm allowed to change my mind so on and so on. me and my partner did break up for 6 months because he kept lying to him about stuff that wasn't true. now i think im going down the same path again and i don't know what to do anymore. i ignore his behavior but my partner thinks im being so mean to him. he has no idea what he does to me when his not around. its extremely bad the worst behavior anyone could image but im over complaining to my partner to. i have tried my best i have 5 children. please can some one give me some advice.

thanks

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Children do test us a lot don't they.

I would purchase one of those small cameras you can buy and film your son treating you badly and show your partner. You shouldn't have to do this but it will help.

The other thing that comes to mind is- by not allowing him to eat food when you don't want him to, you are being a better mother than allowing him to eat. Children don't injury themselves by crying or getting angry. Let it happen. Ignore that behavior. Also you don't have to justify you actions for any reason. When he challenges you about giving apples to other people that is totally irrelevant- they are not HIM!. and that was a different time and circumstance.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi bindi

My goodness, you've certainly got your hands full (an understatement). I find having just two kids to be somewhat of a challenge. You're a legend!

I once heard a sage piece of advice, 'Any behaviour is a form of communication'. The real challenge is to discover what kids and adults are communicating when things don't seem so obvious. Personally, I tend to study folk a little so as to get to the bottom of things. Example: My husband is currently arguing for a new car. The one he has his sights set on seriously aggravates me by the way. It is a super loud V8 with 80,000 on the clock, so I can see the repairs being rather costly in the future. Seeing he's typically a practical guy, I asked myself 'Why?!' The answer: This car is powerful, an attention getter and it brings him great happiness. Being in a new job at 53, where he is 'the new boy' in the ranking has led him to express a sense of disempowerment in life. He's also a guy who craves acknowledgement. He's basically not feeling a sense of satisfaction and natural happiness within himself at the moment. Enter, the car! I think he believes this car will give him everything he needs (power, attention/praise esp from 'the blokes' and happiness). Anyhow, enough about that!

I imagine it's hard to find moments in such a large household as yours to step back and study the behaviour of your son and his sense of reasoning. Whilst most kids push boundaries, challenge perceived 'injustice' and seek attention, certain kids will find reason to go beyond simple pushing, challenging and seeking. Whether your son's fully conscious of what motivates his behaviour or whether skillful reasoning and communication are something he desires deep down more so, taking time out for your self (for a breather) sounds like something you truly deserve at the moment. Getting your partner to step in and give you a chance to get out on a regular basis, might allow the opportunity/time to become a master annalist and strategist when it comes to your son. An occasional change of environment, more importantly, gives you the chance to reconnect with your self and the belief that you're a good mum dealing with an intensely challenging time.

By the way, whether we're 9 or 53, sometimes a desire for personal empowerment, attention and happiness can present in questionable ways. The key is to respond with awareness, something which I find to be quite challenging at times 🙂 Easier said than done, for sure!

Take care of yourself