My sudden depression is breaking my relationship

[Mick_C]

Hi all,

I have been with my fiance for 6 1/2 years. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter together and I have an 11 year old son from a previous relationship. Our daughter has Sensory processing disorder which makes our life stressful sometimes.

Recently I've developed depression with no real reason as to why. I have become insecure and second guessing everything. I absolutely love my girl and I'd be lost without both of them. My partner isn't an intimate person, we don't cuddle on the couch or in bed but our sex life is amazing and we kiss regularly and hold hands like most couples. But lately the sex has stopped, which bothers me as I'm an intimate person and it was my main connection with her. She doesn't understand that and says it's because I'm sad all the time lately and she doesn't see that as attractive.

I have no idea what has caused my sudden depression but I feel it's causing friction in our relationship. I get very insecure and ask her stupid questions that make her feel awkward. She has given me no reason to think she has done anything wrong for me to question her like I do. I don't understand and I'm struggling with it.

My previous ex cheated on me and kccked me out when our son was 6 months old. Ever since then I've had emotional and intimacy issues but thought I had them under control until recently. I just don't know what to do anymore, I can't lose my fiance, I'd be lost without her. What hurts the most is she isn't being very supportive and in a recent conversation she said if we split up she wouldn't keep our daughter from me, we would share 50/50. To me that sounds like she has already given thought to leaving?

I really need some help

[Mick_C]

Hi all,

I have tried talking to my partner about how I feel, about what's happening in our relationship and what her thoughts are on what we can do. Basically I got told that she doesn't know how to help me, she doesn't know how we are going to get through this. We nearly broke up a week ago because she said she isn't interested in changing or going out of her way to help me.

Since then I have been feeling a lot better, I'm not sure why. I haven't been depressed or upset. But she seems to be distant still and spending lots of time doing her own thing and sitting on the couch on her phone.

I feel it's over, especially since she will not support me but I'm unsure what to do. I think I'm becoming emotionally detached..

[815]

Hi MickC,

I am sorry to hear about your situation right now. I am not sure if this will be of any help to you and I hope that it will be OK, but I thought I would provide some perspective from the point of view of a wife supporting a a husband with depression.

But firstly, I think the most important thing is that if you believe you are depressed, to seek medical advice. Perhaps as Geoff suggested, you can make an appointment with your GP, and ask your fiance to go with you as support?

At the beginning, when my husband first fell into depression, I did what I thought was trying to support him. I was here. I told him he should talk to someone. I asked what I could do. I told him I loved him. I asked him to talk to me. For someone who has not suffered depression, I thought this might be enough. But it wasn't. And it wasn't for lack of caring. I simply didn't know what he expected or wanted. And anything I did was thrown back at me as me not caring.

From his point of view, I don't think he knew exactly what he expected or wanted either. And he wasn't able to communicate that to me. But he also felt that having to ask me, or having to tell me what he needed or wanted, meant that whatever support I provided wasn't genuine because he had to ask for it. You mentioned that she has said to you, that she doesn't know what you want her to do. Have you tried telling your fiance exactly what you might need from her?

My husband eventually went to see his GP. He is on medication and seeing a psychologist. I myself was referred to a psychologist as the whole situation has caused my some anxiety. Together, we have been seeing a relationship counsellor for over a year now. And there are a lot of things that we have improved on, but the most important thing is, communication, and finding that connection again.

I guess my point is, maybe she does genuinely care, but really doesn't know how to support you. Maybe you have, but if you haven't, tell her exactly what you expect and need from her. It's then up to her to decide whether that's something she's willing to do.

If you feel up to it, please keep us updated with your situation and reach out if you ever need someone to listen.

[geoff]

Hello 815, I really like your reply to MickC because in his reply it feels much better where he knows what position he's in with his wife, it's broken a linked chain that happens in a marriage when she wants nothing to do with him.

It is difficult trying to open up to your spouse because if you do, then you may only be told that you're wrong and silly for having these thoughts because it's not true, the problem is, that's exactly how we feel and no matter how long or how much you are told this, it's not the way how you feel and the longer you are told this, the worse your situation gets.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mick_C]

Thanks for the replies.

First off, I have been to the doctor and she changed some of my medication which she thought could be the cause of my depression. That was just after Christmas. Within a few days I was nearly back to normal, but I admit I need to seek counciling and I'm on a waiting list for 5 months. I have spoken to Mensline which has also helped.

Now I've sat down and spoken to my partner a few times now, explaining my thoughts, my feelings etc but she says it's too late and we've lost our spark now. I was depressed for maybe 4 weeks, I don't understand how someone who claims to love you can abandon you when you need them the most.

Since my last post, we had another discussion and we've decided to seperate. I barely got spoken too and was treated like a room mate for weeks before I made this decision. It kills me that this is they way it's ending, when 2 months before we were talking about having another kid, wedding and buying a house.

I'm so lost and confused.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op , and l'm so sorry that things are heading that way,

But tbh , l'm a bit lost at a woman telling you after 1 or 2 mths of down , that you two have lost your spark , well hello , of course you have . Any relationship goes in waves and tbh a mth or 2 of depression is not much of a wave compared to what a 20 or 30yrs marriage goes through , it's nothing in fact. l'm amazed she is quitting this so easily. Tbh , and l'm sorry to say this but at the same time it might be good for you to take her of that pedestal. Bc she is made of very very poor and self centered stuff and l'm dumbfounded at her lack of, in all honesty. l know there are children too and sadly so much to consider , but she isn't considering any of that either , just bc of a few mths. And where is her support to you.

As sad as it is for you and your kids , as far as marrying this woman though, l think she's done you a big favor in showing her true colours

rx