My sister stopped talking to me

[Jessierosec03]

Me and my older sister have always been really close until a couple months ago where out of the blue she said she wants to cut me out of her life. 
my sister has 2 children and I’m an aunty she’s stopped me seeing the kids. Those kids are my life they mean so much to me there only 5 years old and 4 years old. I’m just worried they won’t remember or know who I am once they get older. I’ve tried contacting my sister multiple times over different occasions and periods but no response.

Any suggestions would be great of how to get into contact with her again. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Cutting ties with a family member isnt unusual but not giving a reason is, well, immature or if they gave a reason it would provoke an argument so they just want to cut it. The ramifications can be cruel with lingering hurt for your loss. 

This is not much different when a parent refuses access to their children to the other parent. Nor is it different when a relative triangulates with influence and suddenly you've lost half your family due to such influence... I've experienced this.

One of the real problems here is risk of repeat behaviour eg say your sister one day makes up with you and you again get close to her kids... how can you trust her again?  Eg I'm estranged from my 31yo youngest daughter, if she arrived on my front door with a boyfriend and kids I'd reject her as I dont want to offer my willing heart to her kids only to be refused access later on.

So, you've been inflicted with the cruel side of life and as they are her children there is zilch you can do. The only suggestion I have is to continue to send birthday cards every year. This action is not to swing their attention to you rather remind your sister that her kids have a kind loving aunty and whatever her grievance, it might be easy to resolve.

As for your sister, give her time, eventually other family members might point out that by not telling you the real reason is an act of cruelty and unreasonable behaviour.

TonyWK

[KindnessWithin]

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is so hard when communication with someone you are close to (especially a sibling) comes to a halt and it’s unclear what exactly what the issue is and no efforts will make them talk.

It really spokes volumes of your character that you realise the importance of having a relationship with your sister and her kids.

I’m in a weird low-contact state with my sister and I hate it because the uncomfortable truth of the matter is that she doesn’t care for me right now and wants space. I hate that TBH because I want her in my life and in my niece’s life but she is not interested. I have spent ages blaming myself. I am now stepping back and finding ways to lessen the importance of my sibling.

Letting go may be the next step if continued efforts go nowhere. Keep being a great aunty and acknowledge the special events in the kid’s lives (for example sending cards and gifts via post or seeing them at a family events and saying hi).

Signing off with the warmest of regards🥰

[white knight]

Excellent post "kindnessWithin".

The problem overall is that adults have the ability to cut people off, not illegal, not unreasonable either in some cases. 

With my sister we have a love hate relationship, she is demanding and she emotionally triangles people so if I fall out with her she gathers her indians, daughters, relatives etc, in a mirror of what our mother did. This means that fundamentally we differ in principle. I rang her once during such an incident and asked her "did you say to your daughters (adults in their 30's) not to get involved with this argument it's between me and my brother". She said "no I didnt". The ramifications were that I lost my nieces, they lost their uncle and so on with the extended family. How powerful is this? Very powerful and my sister and the likes of her go through life and every time she has a falling out with someone she plays her trump card- turning people against her new enemy. The funny thing is- when people become adults they often dont cave into blackmail ijn fact they staunchly go the other way- why? because they know that if they buckle for fear of losing loved ones, they will always have that threat looming as a distinct possibility next time.

I have a 30yo daughter that has other ways to hurt me by silence. Silence can be a weapon and it can be a form of narcissistic abuse if deliberately used as a weapon. After many times being contacted by her for either money of short term (usually maximum 10 days) contact, she then disappears. Then 2 years ago I said enough was enough and broke all contact. It was a relief and deep hurt at the same time.

We sometimes need to protect ourselves from those that have intent of doing us harm. If we dont then that is the green light for them to do as they please.

Losing a loved one from being cut off causes enormous harm but it could be a camouflaged blessing because these people have the "cut off principle" as a means to inflect hurt on you... do we really need them around?

TonyWK