My partner has just broken up with me out of nowhere. I think he is suffering from depression but he doesn't agree

[missken]

Just over a week ago my partner of almost 13 years came home late after a night out and the next morning broke up with me. I was completely shocked. I knew that there was something not quite right between us lately - I had noticed that he was distancing himself from me over the past few months and choosing to spend more and more time away with friends that we don't share. He has also recently become obsessed with losing weight.

He said that he's been feeling numb for the past few months and the spark has faded. Apparently he needs some time on his own to work out what he wants. He also said that he's not attracted to me anymore and feels that I am not trying to keep my weight under control (which is untrue - I go to the gym regularly and have been making progress on my fitness/ trimness since recovering from injury). He said that lots of things have been irritating him lately. He said that he doesn't want to keep screwing me around by staying with me and thinks I should find another partner to have kids with. We had planned to start trying to have a baby in a few months' time. On further discussions he said that he thinks I don't like him anymore and that I am not attracted to him anymore. I explained that my behaviour over the past few months has been as a result of how rejected I have been feeling because of him appearing to not want to spend time with me anymore. I used to be his favourite person to spend time with, and now I feel like I coming home to me is a chore to him.

He insists that he hasn't met anyone else and in fact has never met anyone else in the 13 years we have been together that he could see himself in a relationship with if we weren't together. I tried to convince him that we can work through these issues now that we're talking about them openly, but he'd already made up his mind that were are going to break up.

I have given him a week on his own and asked that he seeks councelling as I think that the problem is wider than just him and I. He doesn't seem happy in general and has a history of suffering from depression. Nothing seems to make him happy lately and he is getting drunk really often and not taking care of his health. He is convinced that this isn't depression because it doesn't feel the same as the other times he has had bouts of depression.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be with him and truly believe the spark can be reignited now that we are being open and talking about the elephant in the room

[geoff]

dear Missken, what Apollo Black has said is very good, and can I add that as I'm a male too, men feel unhappy in a relationship when they aren't sexually satisfied, in contrast females would prefer that they get the attention and love from their male counterpart.
I was unhappy in our 25 year marriage, I gave up asking, because the answer was always no. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

This is quite an interesting thread.

Missken, it does sound like you really want to be with this guy, but is that the healthiest option? Like Apollo Black has mentioned, how long will you keep taking this guy into your life, realising he has already mentioned the lack of desire to have children for one thing.

He may well be depressed, if that is the case, I really do hope that he gets the help that he needs.

For me it is not right to mess with each others emotions and feelings. Is it also right to use sex as a tool to get what you want out of life? There is a lot more to relationships than just sex and looks.

It all just sounds a little too shallow to me.

Maybe I just haven't lived enough myself! Or maybe I have just decided that there is no point in trying to please people who will never be happy anyway.

It is wonderful you are getting the male perspective here as well. I sometimes wonder how huys tick and no doubt they wonder the same about us! Ha. Ha.

Cheers, Mrs. Dools

[white knight]

Vagueness can be torturous.

I had a 6 year intense up and down relationship with a lady when in my twenties.

Asking simple questions was met with "I don't know yet" or "maybe I'll get there"

There are several possibilities here. For you missken you'd like to believe in what you read between the lines of what he half says.

But as pointed out, is this healthy for you? What if this vagueness continues for years? And importantly while persevering, your child bearing years erode away. What will life be like at 45yo, alone because you believed in this man?

If you were to find the company of another man and were fond if him, a man with clarity and focus on you, I think you'd realise how your current relationship is out if whack.

Tony WK

[missken]

Hi Geoff,

The thing is that we did have sex regularly (1-3 times per week), so it's not like he's not getting it enough. He must have been finding it dull and predictable, plus he was unhappy with how infrequently I would instigate it, but as mentioned earlier, I was feeling so rejected that I didn't want to put myself out there for fear of further rejection. I guess for the past few months I have been operating off the notion that if he wants it, he'll instigate it.

After talking with friends and family over the past week, something I have come to accept as fact is that he's a really restless person. I know that men often wonder if 'the grass is greener on the other side' and imagine that they're missing out on something potentially better, but he seems to do this constantly in every facet of his life - work, where we live, what we do in our spare time, where we travel and seemingly regarding our relationship. He's always looking for the next adventure - on many occasions he's said that every time he sees a hill or a mountain, he has an urge to climb it simply to see what's there. Could be a metaphor for his outlook on life generally and reflects his inability to be satisfied with what he has.

Something my Dad said to me today is "you should be proud that you managed to keep a guy that restless for 13 years, most women wouldn't be able to keep him for more than a few years".

I'd love to believe that I can move on and find a man that is all of those things that he's not, but it's hard to see past the fact that he's my first love and I'd always believed would be the only love of my life. As much as he's screwed me around, if he turned around tomorrow and said that he's had an epiphany and he knows in his heart that he wants to be with me forever (again) and is ready to have kids (again), I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Men with kids - how true is the notion that a man falls in love with his child when it is born and from then on becomes less focused on themselves and their quest in life becomes primarily about their child's happiness?

This is what I was hoping would happen with him. I've always know he's quite selfish, but thought that this would change with kids. He was ready to have kids last year, but we delayed in order to have one last big overseas holiday beforehand and now we've ended up in this position.

[james1]

Hey missken,

I try not to generalise too much, but I think - there are exceptions - men tend to be more restless. From what I've seen, some will settle down when they meet someone, some will settle down when they have kids, others just never settle down. But hey, the same could be said for many women.

So I don't know what's happening with your partner, but to be honest, neither will you unless he decides to tell you.

As others have said, I think the best thing really is let him decide what he wants, and focus on what you want.

Why him above all the other guys? You've pointed out that he's not perfect (nobody is), so apart from comfort, you need to have a think about why you're focussed so much on him when he's not giving you 100%.

I think you've done an amazing job at trying to hold this relationship together, but when someone says they want out of a relationship, they've made an internal decision already. Why? Only they can know. Will they ever come back? Nobody knows.

It sucks, and that's why we want to help you - because this vagueness, as Tony pointed out, is torturous.

I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that you could love someone so much. There will come a time when it is reciprocated, because your partner doesn't seem to have done that so far.

James