My husband is lying to me about his stimulant addiction
I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we are a blended family plus we have a baby together. 5 years ago he was heavily addicted to stimulants which almost broke me and our family. After an intervention he reluctantly went to rehab.
Since that time he’s had a few relapses. He’s never approached me about it, it’s always been a case of me suspecting and catching him out in some way. I’ve told him that the lying is the hardest part and that the trust would rebuild if he would just come to me.
Over the past 6 months I have seen the red flags again but I feel that he has wisened up and knows what I look for now. I also think he knows just how much to use.
Nevertheless I found stimulants in his jacket pocket 6 weeks ago and a pipe in his car last week. He has an answer for everything and claims that he has not used since his last supposed relapse 10 months ago. I don’t believe him at all. He says I’m paranoid and that my fears will ruin the marriage.
This is the first time he hasn’t owned up to it yet I just know. My anxiety is through the roof. I love him and just want a happy marriage based on trust but I feel so hurt that he is still lying to me and even worse gaslighting me.
Im scared to tell him how I’m feeling because I know he will explode again and flip this on me yet my feelings of connection with him are at an all time low. Please help.
I am going through the exact same thing as you right now so I completely understand how hard it is to know what to do.
I found out my partner was doing drugs November last year. He went from denial to blaming me to begging me to take him back. He got that bad he lost everything he owned. He lost his property, car, business & savings. I gave him thousands & thousands of dollars thinking it was for necessities & to get his business back afloat but it was all for drugs & prostitutes so I found out (comes hand in hand with drugs apparently). I got back with him after he swore he would get help. He got worse so again, I Told him he needed to leave. Again, he told me he would get help & this time did ($30,000 later- 4 week rehab program). He got back on it TWO weeks later. I only found out because I investigated (feel like I’m becoming paranoid). He lied & lied until my friend saw him smoking ice in my car. He eventually admitted he relapsed & said it was my fault and that I’m his trigger. I have been so calm with him about it all yet he makes out like I am the reason for it all. When I tell him he needs to sort himself out without me, he begs & begs & begs me to stay. I am completely lost & confused. Ideally, I want to stay For many reasons, I am close with his family, I want my own family & I do love him. I love who he was but I know deep down, he will turn to drugs any moment things get hard. Money has been stolen, items have gone missing & I have no trust for him anymore at all. I feel like I must have been wearing a blindfold for quite a while because I never suspected he was doing drugs or would even do them.
It is heartbreaking seeing someone you love go through this knowing these is really nothing you can do besides break. When people are addicted to drugs, they will do whatever they can to get them & will Find every way to turn it around on everyone around them so they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions.
I am so sorry that you have been going through this. It’s so hard. I’m afraid that you are right in that the reality is that they will so easily lie and gaslight in order to protect their addiction. Sadly for me I suspect after a couple of really good months that it is happening again 😞
I feel like such a fool for believing it might be different this time
feeling pretty low this afternoon. We have had a really good couple of months. Regular testing, regular counseling, liaison with the rehab facility etc family holidays etc
i suspect he’s using again however... Has been a bit shady with how he’s doing the urine test, refusing to show me what’s in his pocket when clearly it looked like a pipe. The gaslighting has started again and I’m devastated. Feel so foolish for thinking it might be different this time...
Hello Kerry, the past couple of months may have been good with him trying his best and hopefully succeeding, but with an addict, they compare how they have coped without taking it, to when they were, and then sum up which is better, which way gives them more relief and how they are able to handle the situation, with or without any confrontation with anybody.
Even if it's a positive in all ways, doesn't stop an addict refrain from wanting to use it again, as it's deemed as a reward, just like a celebration drink.
The urine can easily be from someone else unless you or the collector has the opportunity to see them actually fill the sample container in person because fake testing has been with us for a long time and it's possible to order it online.
This unfortunate situation you're in is going to bounce in all directions and depends on how much you are going to accept what's happening, I know it's a difficult position you're in, but it's up to you to decide because to believe with what an addict has to say is debatable and has to be proven over a long time, in good days and in not so good times.
I'm so sorry your husband can't seem to do this ie give up drugs and maintain sobriety.
The hold on him seems to be far worse than maybe you (or I) can understand?
I hope you have LOTS of support.
Have you received any Legal advice re: separation?
You can call the Women's Legal Service and speak confidentially to a Family Lawyer for FREE.
They were sublime support for me going through separation and divorce (with a wild person) a few years ago.
It's important to get your head around things to protect yourself and your children.
At some point you may need to get your ducks in a row to separate.
Thank you for your wise words. I have told him today that his decision to refuse to empty his pocket has done significant damage to the fledgling connection that was just starting to build again. Sadly I think that only a person that has something to hide would react that way.
Today I told him that after everything we have been through with his addiction that to have a hope of moving forwards, I need to build that trust in him again. And that means that he does tests for me when I have concerns, no questions asked and that means me watching him wee in the cup. It means emptying his pocket if I have a concern and need reassurance. I don’t know how long I will need reassurance for but it takes as long as it takes because he’s absolutely smashed my trust over the years.
he said he’s unsure he can do that for me and I’ve given him until Friday to decide otherwise I will start to take steps towards separation. It breaks my heart to even write that because he really is my best friend and there is so much about him that I love but I do know in my heart that I can’t keep questioning what is real and what isn’t for the rest of my life either.
thank you for your support, it really means a lot to me
Thanks so much for your response.
I haven’t sought legal advice as yet because the truth is I keep getting glimmers of hope from him and ultimately if I can save my marriage, that is what I’ve wanted to do.
the events however over the past couple of days have been really hard to digest because I honestly thought that we were on a better path now, it never occurred to me that he might be still using. Maybe I really am naive??
im feeling pretty exhausted from this roller coaster, it’s been 8 years now and I think I’m finally accepting that he probably doesn’t really want to give up. He wants to hold on to it and also keep me and the family too. He is getting pretty good at covering up his tracks now so it’s getting harder for me to prove and my sanity is almost gone...
I have given him to the end of this week to let me know if he is prepared to be urine tested whenever I request it, having me stand and watch for as long as I need it to happen to build trust. I’ve asked him to let me know if he’s prepared to give me reassurance by showing me what’s in his pocket whenever I have concerns for as long as it takes. If he is not prepared to do that, sadly I have no choice other than to take steps towards separation.
thanks for your support,
Thank you for your reply. Wow 20 years together and 17 years clean is amazing. I can imagine that those 17 years have taken their toll.
I have been testing him at home but not consistent about standing over him and watching him pee in the cup. Sometimes I’ve wondered if he just gives me toilet water... the other day he pulled over when we were driving (long story) and did a test on the side of the road but insisted he dip the test in himself. I noticed him walk around and open the boot and do something which he said was just wiping his hands but I’m questioning whether he swapped the test card for another. I hate how crazy this has all made me 😞