My husband is lying to me about his stimulant addiction

[Ebony2]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, we are a blended family plus we have a baby together. 5 years ago he was heavily addicted to stimulants which almost broke me and our family. After an intervention he reluctantly went to rehab.

Since that time he’s had a few relapses. He’s never approached me about it, it’s always been a case of me suspecting and catching him out in some way. I’ve told him that the lying is the hardest part and that the trust would rebuild if he would just come to me.

Over the past 6 months I have seen the red flags again but I feel that he has wisened up and knows what I look for now. I also think he knows just how much to use.

Nevertheless I found stimulants in his jacket pocket 6 weeks ago and a pipe in his car last week. He has an answer for everything and claims that he has not used since his last supposed relapse 10 months ago. I don’t believe him at all. He says I’m paranoid and that my fears will ruin the marriage.

This is the first time he hasn’t owned up to it yet I just know. My anxiety is through the roof. I love him and just want a happy marriage based on trust but I feel so hurt that he is still lying to me and even worse gaslighting me.

Im scared to tell him how I’m feeling because I know he will explode again and flip this on me yet my feelings of connection with him are at an all time low. Please help.

[Ebony2]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply and for your support.

This is what I have so far (over the past few months)

- drugs in his jacket pocket

- pipe in his car

- a positive urine test I took from the toilet he used but didn’t flush ( he said he didn’t use the toilet even tho lid was up and it was only me and him at home)

- thin broken burnt light globe glass out in the extension he’s been building

- light globe filaments in the same area

- lying about his wherabouts

- taking longer to go to Bunnings that would seem normal

what do u think?

[Ebony2]

Oh and yes a refusal to do the urine test now saying that he has nothing to prove to me

[Ebony2]

I am inclined to agree with you there, I feel that his refusal speaks volumes

[Ebony2]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your insights, I really appreciate. I know that eventually it will all catch up with him because he won’t be able to hide it as well.. I just don’t know if I can wait around until it does feeling that I’m being lied to...

[Croix]

Dear Ebony2~

You have quite comprehensive knowledge of drug use and how it is done, what items are used, as a result you don't need me to say anything in response to your list other than to add other than in my limited knowledge light bulbs, the older kind and energy saver ones can be used used for ICE.

The refusal to take a test speaks for itself, it has passed the point of is pride being injured.

I will however point out that even if I was a drug user and not past a certain point where it became all-consuming I would enter drug rehab (if there was the money) simply to demonstrate love for you and the children.

Sadly that has not happened. That motivation, if it was ever there, appears now to be overridden by the addiction.

So I guess your options remain the same as when you first came here, do my kids and I live under these conditions guessing they will worsen or do I try to separate? I'm not sure your words " I know that eventually it will all catch up with him because he won’t be able to hide it as well." and " I just don’t know if I can wait around until it does " are going to help much. When that happens it will be the same situation as now, but with a more heavily addicted person.

I wish there was someone you knew to actually be there face to face (or zoom to zoom) to try to give you comfort and practical advice. You mentioned an older cousin, now might be the time to make contact ?

Relationships Australia have post-separation service if you decide (and are financially able) to go that way. Some practical help how to do that would be good.

Croix

[Ebony2]

*update*
My husband finally admitted to his using after a very heated argument. I was relieved to finally know for sure that I wasn’t crazy but I’m now dealing with the aftermath..

I’ve asked him to do a 3 week program to address his addiction issues but he is flat out refusing. I can’t go back to the way things were, waiting for the next relapse, wondering if he’s using and if he’s lying to me. This time it has virtually broken me. He’s begging me to consider just urine testing him and trusting that he will tell me the truth next time.

The thing is is that I don’t trust that things will be different next time. Even if I do urine testing with him, it feels like a cop out and it will do little to address why he uses and how he can better cope when triggered.

We are having this stand off at the moment, he is very erratic and I feel like he’s trying to hurt me anyway he can because he’s hurting. I’m trying to stay grounded and not get pulled in to it.

Am I being harsh to ask him to do a program otherwise we will separate? I just don’t know how much more I can take until I fall apart completely..

[Croix]

Dear Ebony2~

Well, I guess you can now be more confident in your instincts, which is a plus.

Against the you have a person who is trying to hurt you as if you were an enemy bound on hurting him, not someone who looks to you for support with a recognized problem.

Threatening separation in order that the person concerned recognizes the problem and wants you, not the life he had, goes though a program that has his wholehearted cooperation. That might be reasonable.

However I tend to feel -and I am no expert - that even if he went on a 3 week program with his current attitude it would not be successful.

As you pointed out there are reasons for drug use, and until they have been addressed the problem will most likely continue. These may take considerable time and therapy, with drugs still being looked to as a coping mechanism in the meantime.

I'm not sure how much better a place you will be after the program, however I guess it is a choice that does give you some hope now you know you can trust your instincts and not wait in limbo for proof.

I do not envy you having to make these choices. Please let us know how you go

Croix

[Ebony2]

Hi Croix,

thank you for all of your support, it is so greatly appreciated.

The current situation is that he has decided for himself that he is going to do the 3 week program. I told him he didn’t have to but that I was not going to continue living this way and was going to start making plans to separate.

He has gone full swing the other way. Asking to be urine tested, seeing his counsellor every 1-2 weeks and having weekly marriage counseling sessions with me. He apologises almost daily for how much he has hurt me over the years and is committing to proving himself as a good husband and father by doing whatever it takes..

I remain skeptical of course, have heard it all before but want to keep a little hopeful too. Our new counsellor is incredible, very blunt with him and helping him to see the damage he has caused to me, to us, to himself.

I will keep you posted. Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me and support me thru such a difficult time.

kerry

[Croix]

Dear Ebony2~

I guess this is encouraging, it sounds very much as if you hit a nerve and he has reacted in a positive way.

The problem being, as you well kn, is if he keeps it up.

May I suggest that, even if it is difficult for you to do so, that giving praise and support is the most likely way he will persevere. Leave the blunt for the professionals

No guarantees bit maybe a glimmer of hope, dunno.

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Kerry, I've been following your thread and this is an issue of trust, how can you believe what he's saying is the honest truth.

People with addictions are notoriously capable of not being able, to tell the truth to those close to them, just in case when anything goes against them, they need the support they've used over the past, I'm certainly not saying this is happening but please just be aware that it could be hidden away.

If however, you can believe what he's said, then I along with the others want to congratulate not only him but also yourself.

As a cupboard drinker wheen depressed, there were times I told my wife that I didn't have a drink, and this isn't when I was in sobriety, but it was hidden away in various places.

Please take care.

Geoff.