My husband doesn't get it

Outofsorts · ‎17-12-2015

I don't know where to start...except in hindsight I've been suffering depression for Over 15 years. I've only just gone back on meds recently (was on them briefly a few years ago). In 2012 I quit a high paying job as I couldn't handle it anymore, hated the industry, the long hours, the angry clients. I realise now I was depressed. My husband was infuriated with me. He's extremely money oriented and a micro manager. He thought I was being lazy and expecting him to bring in all the money. I did keep working but for a lot less money and only 4 days a week. We now have a little boy who is nearly 1 1/2 years old and the light of my life. I'm a stay at home mum but hubby is putting pressure on me to go back to work even though I don't have a job to go back to and we aren't desperate for it. But I don't feel ready. I love being at home raising my son and taking care of our house, yard etc. I get anxious when I think of looking for a job. I struggled with life when I was working before I had my son, like simple household tasks. I can't imagine how I would manage working even three days a week with a little one, even though I know people do it all the time. My husband doesn't realise how much I do around here so that he doesn't have to do it on the weekends. He doesn't realise how much this depression is crippling me...in his mind if I'm not "working" (at home or at a job) he thinks I'm being lazy. I'm originally from Canada and have been here 8 years now..hubby is Australian. I've lost all my confidence...I don't want to go back into my old industry but don't know what else to do. In addition, our love life is non-existent...I am just not interested...and hubby keeps putting pressure on me...even when going through IVF and finding out we haven't been successful...and then he keeps asking why I don't want to and we have the same bloody conversation over and over...and nothing changes. I don't know if our relationship is depressing me or if my depression is ruining our relationship. I just wish my husband could understand. I'm having trouble seeing my future beyond taking care of my son...I don't know "what I want to be when I grow up" I never have. I'm just feeling so stuck and lost.. I started taking trumpet lessons again, something I loved growing up, but I'm struggling to practice...just not motivated...I have no passion for anything and fear letting my son see this...Sorry for rambling. Everything is scrambled in my head.

Lori · ‎18-12-2015

Hey there Outofsort,

I am very sorry to hear what you have been through and what you are currently going through. I can relate to what you are feeling about how your husband is thinking your lazy for not working when your not.

Unfortunately most people who don't suffer from these horrible illnesses don't understand the impact they make in our lives.. and you know what if you aren't enjoying your job and it's making you sad then there's no need to be there and i am proud and so happy that you had the courage to leave, yes your hubby might be money orientated but at the end of the day your happiness and wellbeing ALWAYS comes first and money is just money.

You always need to look after yourself and do what's best for you, and i could only imagine how wonderful and rewarding it is to be spending every day with your son, you get get bonding time and your husband gets to come home to a happy baby and wife and a clean house.

It does sounds like your husband isn't very supportive or understanding about your conditions? Have you tried talking to him and explaining what it is that's going on for you ? It's always be good to be honest and to say what you feel needs to be said, your words are important.

Also if you feel you aren't ready to go back to working then don't, you go back in your own time when you feel confident and ready, but i have to day though keeping busy is always helpful at these hard times and i know your busy at home i more mean also socializing with others. But you do what makes you happy and don't let anyone tell you different.

It's great that you are taking medication again it can give that extra boost to help you go on in the day and also talking to someone is always helpful ?

Talk to your husband try get him to understand, enjoy every moment with your son and full fill your life in your own way.

Stay strong!! You can beat this

- Lori 🙂

Outofsorts · ‎18-12-2015

Thanks Lori. I really appreciate your reply. I will talk to my husband this weekend. I am a bit lonely but I was lonely even when I was working. I'm having trouble making deep friendships. I worry that I can't teach my son how to make friends because I don't know how. I'm good at meeting people and small talk but not beyond that. I feel like there's a big wall between me and other people. I've left messages for two of my friends this week and haven't heard back from either but it is a busy time of year. Anyway I have found a job I'm thinking of doing. I can do it from home and it's not office work. I think it's the office environment that scares me. Thanks again.

Elizabeth CP · ‎18-12-2015

Is there any way you could get your husband to attend therapy with you. You would need to speak to the therapist first to explain what your goals are. Maybe speaking to your Gp to get a referral. Sometimes it is easier having a third person helps as they can clarify things properly and reduces the risk of one or the other of you getting upset and stopping the discussion. Having someone supporting you and helping to explain your point of view can really help. Caring for a young child is more than a full time job!!!!!

pipsy · ‎18-12-2015

Dear Outofsorts. I'm wondering if your MIL works. When our mothers had kids, they seemed to hold down jobs both inside and outside the house easily. I know my aunts all were married had four kids, plus worked, two were farmers wives, one was an office worker. For some reason, it seemed easy. The fathers were 'there', but seemed to be in the 'shadows'. The mothers did everything. If your MIL or mother was/is one of these 'miracle' workers, perhaps your hubby (her son) is comparing you to them. You need to be able to explain that no matter how good his mother/your mother was, you are not them. Try and get your hubby more involved with you and son so that he can see first-hand entertaining son is just as important as a 'clean house'. Once he sees how hard it is for you to do everything he thinks you should be doing, hopefully he will realise marriage/children are a package, not solo. Hopefully, with the help of a counsellor, things between you will improve.

Good luck.

Lori · ‎18-12-2015

Outofsorts,

You are more than welcome!! I am more than happy to listen like many others are. I am glad to hear that you are going to talk to your husband this weekend i really hope he listens closely and begins to understand more. Try not to worry to much about your son not making friends because i'm sure he will grow to have many friends an will succeed in life with the support of his wonderful mum and dad.

I sometimes feel that i have a wall standing in front of me i quite often cancel catch ups with friends but i know there true friends because they stick around 🙂 You will be alright. Also that you have found a job that interest you!! that is fantastic! Go for it, you will achieve great things in life and inspire your son to do the same, you just got to believe in yourself 🙂

Good work! Keep it up:)

- Lori 🙂

Outofsorts · ‎18-12-2015

Hi Elizabeth CP...thanks for your reply. We have been to counselling before. He doesn't realise it's not a quick fix and he's not keen to go again...plus it's too expensive in his mind. But I won't let that stop me from going. He is quite involved with my son and thinks he knows how challenging it can be but he doesn't really ; he's never had him for a full day and night on his own. And when he does mind him on his own he makes the chores the priority whereas I make my son the priority.

Pipsy, thanks also for your reply. Yes my MIL worked full time but not when he was little. She went back to uni at some point and worked full time for years. My hubby had this expectation for years that I should earn the same amount as him and if I didn't I should do more around the house. I swiftly shot that theory down but for ages he has been resentful that I'm don't earn much.

On a side note we started chatting tonight (he's putting little man to bed now) and I told him I'm not doing well at the moment, that I can't see my future, feel like crying all the time and that I'm not ready to go back to work and how I get anxious thinking about it etc. I felt like he really listened. He seemed OK with it, and said he really likes that I'm available for our son. So we're going to look at options to reduce expenses a bit and I'm going to look into this part time thing I mentioned earlier. I'll chat with him some more later.

If anyone can tell me how you make friends, deepen the friendship, maintain it I would really appreciate it. I moved here 8 years ago and find it difficult.

Thanks again so much.