My first post - dealing with my first breakup

[daphnejanee]

Hi all, this is my first post. I’m feeling lost at the moment and need a space where I can release all my feelings. So, I’m sorry in advance for my lengthy post and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read through it. It’s been a little over 2 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend and I’m really struggling to cope.

After months of pain, I finally had to guts to walk away. He was a controlling partner. He had major trust issues because I had a lot of male friends in the past. This caused him to think that I was cheating, lying and doing something behind his back. He had an app where he could see my location 24/7 and he was logged into all my social media accounts so he could check who I was talking to.
All of this really brought me down. I felt so useless and worthless. It would cause a problem whenever I left the house because he thought I was doing something behind his back. I was so scared of how he would react towards me if I made a wrong move. He had always got really angry and yelled at me when we fought. I just obeyed all of his rules because I was scared of causing a problem. I wasn’t happy. I felt trapped, like I was living in fear.

And 2 weeks ago, it got to a stage where I was so broken. I still loved him, but I didn’t want to be with him anymore. So, I left him.

Now I find myself crying for hours every day. I have overdue assignments but I’m really struggling to focus on doing my work. I sit down in front of my laptop to work and my mind just goes blank. I can’t sleep properly. I find myself going to bed between 2-3am every night and not getting out of bed until midday. I’ve lost my appetite and don’t feel like eating. I was exercising to take my mind off it in the first week, but now I have no energy to do anything. I’ve tried talking to my best friend, but I can’t help but feel like I’m annoying her with my daily messages of me crying. I live alone with my mum, but I’m not ready to tell her about the breakup yet. I’m afraid of breaking down and crying in front of her and the questions she’ll ask.

Does anyone have any suggestions of things I can do every day to take my mind off all of this? It’s like a broken record in my head that won’t stop, and I just want to move on and focus on myself, but I’m finding it really hard. I know it’s only been 2 weeks, but this is my first breakup. I really don't know how to deal with this and how to stop the pain of the bad memories. Any advice would really be appreciated!

Thanks guys,
daphnejanee

[Emmen]

Hi daphnejanee,

By leaving him, you have given yourself a chance to blossom and live without fear. We can never control how we feel about people - even abusive people. But it is important that you remember how terribly he treated you and why you left him. You deserve to be treated with respect and love, and if he didn't do that, then he didn't deserve you at all.

It hurts now, but things will get better. Let yourself express your sadness and pain. If crying gives you relief, then don't hold back because suppressing your feelings will only make it worse. Do something else that gives you relief and purpose, whether it's art, sports or journalling. You will heal from this, and in time, you will find someone who loves and respects you.

Wishing you all the best,
Emmen

[daphnejanee]

Thanks TonyWK.

I'm still young, I'm only 21! It's a shame what happened, but I really don't want to get caught up with it. The relationship stopped me from doing things I enjoyed and seeing my friends. I just wish I could forget all about it and return to my normal life.

[Cantthinkstraightsteve]

Thanks for the reply daphnejanee's

I have a few years on you and was in a relationship with a younger mother(12 years difference) with 5 children...and I was the one being told I was controlling...not controlling when I'd ask her not to be on fb till 4 and 5 in the morning...she took it as controlling...but you do have youth on your side...it hurts but take it as a lesson....for me ik it will be hard to trust and love again...if you need to chat..let me know

[daphnejanee]

Hi Emmen,

Thank you for the kinds words of advice.

I know things will eventually get better over time. I hate being stuck at home and not being able to do anything at the moment! Sport used to be my distraction and I can't wait until we can get back into it.

I cling onto that hope that one day I might meet someone who can love me and give me that respect I was craving for so long.

[Guest_3256]

Hi there.

I am in the exact same boat as you except my partner keeps trying to break up so I built the courage to leave him

I honestly do miss my partner but how much more do I have to endure being abused because of their insecurities. He has dumped me so many times that I have lost count. So I left. Couldn't help him.

These people cannot be help if they don't accept that they have difficulties. They are so afraid that sometimes they will push you away and make you feel like nothing. They will blame you for everything, put you down, accuse of cheating and then they will clam up.

Partners who are unreliable are abusive and end up neglecting their partner. The best way to describe it is a parent abusing their child and then locking them up in the naughty corner. It's unacceptable behavior.

[daphnejanee]

Hi there Jsau,

Wow, it's crazy to connect to people on here who are going through similar situations.

I know the feeling of what you went through too. A few months ago when the accusing was really bad, he tried to leave me too, countless times. So many times he told me he wanted to break up with me and couldn't believe he was with a cheater. It broke me. My partner was so insecure, had so much jealousy. I felt like there was nothing I could say or do would ever make him believe that I've done nothing to hurt him. He just wouldn't believe me and it continued to push me away to the point where I had to let him go.

[Guest_3256]

Yes.

I was with him for 12 months. There were good days and then there were horrible days. My partner had pushed me away so much that he made me feel so overwhelmed, I become very emotional and needy, I experienced rejection. He would say things like "you know what you've done" or "you look after yourself and you'll find someone who will treat you better" or it's something I have to deal with on my own and things will never work for us."

I tried to support him so much that in the end, I nearly lost my job for poor attendance from trying to comfort him as he would become chronically insecure. He never wanted me to leave and he locked me inside the house. He asked me to move in on so many occasions then he would kick me out.

We had really good times and right now as right this, even though I can no longer do this anymore, he will be hurting, he will be drinking and listening to "depressing music."

I used to think that I could change him or [fix] him, now I have learnt that these kind of chronically (mentally unstable) delusional people just don't always accept their unacceptable behaviour.

I will always love him, if he came back in the future and he could proved to me that he had changed, I'd give it another go but it would be something that I would be very mindful of.

[daphnejanee]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I was with my partner for a little under 12 months.

It hurts because you try your best to support them. You give up everything just to focus on solving your everyday issues. But then you see that no change has been made and it feels like it was all for nothing. It sure is a tiring feeling, that feeling of rejection.

Even with all his issues, I never asked my partner to change. I just asked him to stop yelling at me when we fought and to try and stay calm and just understand me. The rest of the issues, I just put up with even though I knew I wanted to be treated better. He says now that he is willing to change, but I'm too scared to take that risk and let myself get hurt again by someone I love.