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My boyfriend doesn’t want sex, but is fine with other sexual favours

artgirl1234
Community Member

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 months now. Our sex life in the beginning was fine. but now he doesn’t want sex, at all, but he’s fine with fother things, and actively wants me to do them. He says he’s still attracted to me, but says he doesn’t want sex anymore, he just doesn’t feel right doing it or says he’s not in the mood. This issue has been going on for over a month, and i want to be there for him and help him with getting past this but it’s difficult when i don’t know the reason why, and neither does he. He has a history with depression and body image issues, if that information is relevant.

 

can anyone help me with some advice?

7 Replies 7

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi artgirl1234.

I want you to know that this is not an uncommon situation and it happens more often then not. You may start to feel that there's something that you are not doing right or start to doubt yourself. If so, please know that his is about him and has nothing to do with you what so ever.

It sounds like you may have already tried to communicate to him and if he straight up denies or doesn't want sex anymore and may experience depression, try getting him to a see a Health Professional/Clinician.

If he refuses or disengages (starts to distance/devalue) you, please get the strength to think about what is right for you because if he refuses to meet your needs and it continues, then this can actually become a form of abuse.

Even though it has been months, things are still fresh so this may make it easier for you to break free but at the same time, do what is right for you - only you can make a choice

Let us know how you are tracking and stay safe.

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hi and welcome to the beyond blue forums.

Just to add a little to the prev. post from my own experiences...

There was a time in my relationship with my wife where it was not happening. To get over this speed bump I had a conversation with my wife about this. At the time I would say that I was not very good a communicating this sort of stuff.

(If you are anything like me there were feelings of hurt, confusion, what am I doing wrong etc. I am not sure how you are feeling ....)

Fast forward to the last year and as a result of seeing my psychologist I needed to have another chat with my wife about something else. I also said that I suck at talking about this stuff and can put wife on the defensive. So we talk about communication and perhaps the important is to use...

i statements in communication

Chuck that into google above and you should see information such as ...

  • I feel...
  • because...
  • when ...
  • what I need is ...

and by talking in terms of "I" vs "You" it can help to lower the defensives of the other person and more open to communication. It also helps to use empathy as well. Hope this helps a little?

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi artgirl1234,

Welcome to the forums and I’m sorry you are going through this right now, it must be extremely confusing when your partner did want sex and now doesn’t but is perfectly fine to receive other sexual favors. I think that you need to try and get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to have sex because I suppose that will really dictate how you feel about the issue. If he just “couldn’t be bothered” then that is an incredibly selfish thing to withhold from a partner who has no means of having their needs fulfilled otherwise while in a relationship, which I think may be worth highlighting. At any rate if it continues I think it would be a good idea for you to enlist the help of a relationship counselor who can help you get to the bottom of this. I know you have only been together a relatively short amount of time but if you are both committed and willing to work at this relationship then I think it might be beneficial in helping you seek some of the clarity you deserve/need.

Hi Jsua!

I took him to see a doctor yesterday and he got prescribed some medication. He’s expressed to me that a big issue for him is that he doesn’t completely trust my contraception (the bar) mainly because he doesn’t understand it, and didn't tell me that he still wants to use condoms. He still doesn’t want sex as yet, but he said he’d be more open to it if we used them again. 🙂 thank you for your advice

Hi Juliet_84!
He’s expressed to me recently, after i made this post, that a big issue for him is that he doesn’t completely trust my contraception (the bar) mainly because he doesn’t understand it, and didn't tell me that he still wants to use condoms. He still doesn’t want sex as yet, but he said he’d be more open to it if we used them. He’s a good person and not abusive, he just struggles to admit things and talk about how he’s feeling. I’m still staying with him and want to work things out with him. thank you for your response 🙂

Hi Smallwolf

Thank you for your advice, he does struggle with admitting things and saying how he feels, i’ve noticed a lot of men in his life do the same. bit of monkey see, monkey do. we’ve spoken and recently he opened up to me and said that a big reason why is because we stopped using condoms once i got the bar, he doesn’t know how the bar works so he was still uneasy not using condoms. He told me that he struggled to find the time to tell me because he didn’t want me thinking little of him, which i don’t or wouldn’t. He still doesn’t want sex yet, but he’d be more inclined to if the option of a condom was there. 🙂

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Artgirl1234~

You have received some pretty sensible views about your boyfriend's behavior and now I guess it is a question of seeing what happens. While the given given reason may be true drawing on my own experience I have some reservations.

When I became increasingly ill with stress leading to PTSD, depression and anxiety my desire to have sex dropped off to nothing. It was not a question of I wanted gratification and that was it, I did not want it at all, as it was another pressure on me.

When things started to improve I was then very afraid of making my wife pregnant, and withheld from sex or was reluctant as a result. I guess this was part of my illness, wanting to control everything and not have the unexpected happen.

Even then I recognized it was unfair on my wife and took various steps to try to ensure she had her needs fulfilled, even if only in a scarcely satisfactory way. I did this not only becuse of her physical needs, but becuse my wife was feeling htat I was losing interest, or no longer loved her and I wanted to give reassurance.

Additionally I was frighted that after not having full sex for such a long time I might not perform, and as it happened that was the case, however over time, mainly thanks to the patience and understanding of my wife, things returned to a more normal state.

I guess at this stage you cannot rule out that there is a physical reason for this, however my own experience tells me that once the feeling of not wanting to have sex at all passes, then concern and love for one's partner is an overriding factor.

So far you have not mentioned any steps he may have made to express his love in another way, simply taken. A long term imbalance that harms the relationship and leaves you feeling unloved. Perhaps I'm being over-harsh here, however unless thngs change radically in the near future may I suggest you step back and try to have a look at the relationship as a whole

I hope you come back again and say how you are going

Croix