MY BIG HEART OF HELPING SOMEONE IN NEED HAS CAUSED DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

[Nellie60]

During covid my daughter in laws sister was kicked out of home, so it didn't impact my son and his family to much I offered her to temporarily move in with me whilst she was looking for something. Its being 6 weeks and there has being a few problems, it's being brought up with her about finding her own place with some assistance from her sister in looking. Now I have said I need to be organised by Christmas and for her to keep looking its caused friction between me and the daughter in law to the extreme she wants to leave my son and go live with her sister. This has caused me depression high bp, I feel I have being taken advantage of.

[HappyHelper88]

Hello Nellie60 Thankyou for your post and welcome

Im so sorry to hear what your going through you tried to help her out and it didn't go to plan, sounds like you have a lot going on
I understand how you feel, have you spoken to someone about this and how your feeling?

If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat here. It can really help to talk things like this through. Please remember to reach out whenever you need to.

Hope this helps

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Nellie60,

A very kind welcome to the forum. I am very sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It definitely sounds like this person has taken advantage of you and your kindness, generosity and hospitality. You have done nothing wrong here and it is highly unfair on her or your daughter in law to suggest otherwise. I realise this can be emotionally difficult but please try not to blame yourself for your daughter in law to threaten or decide to leave your son. It’s her decision and actions and whatever her motives are, I can’t see how you could be involved in this. You generously opened your door to her sister in need, withstood some unwelcome behaviour of hers, you now extended time so she could find her own place.
How would you feel about asking her to sit down and “clear the air”? So you could tell her your perspective and hear hers? However, all the same to kindly but firmly withstand your ground and stress that the extension of her stay in your place cannot go past Christmas.

[Nellie60]

Hi learn to fly,

Thanks for reaching out, not sure where to start. Everything i do is with a genuine good heart, in hindsight I should not have made the offer 7 weeks ago but my dil was complaining to me my grandson needed his room. I felt she didn't want her there as my two grandsons could have being in one room for a short time. I was given the impression she was looking for something that's why I wanted to help everyone out.

She gives me 100.00 per week that's everything included even meals, has just being a nightmare for the last 7 weeks. My.DIL doesn't listen to reason its her way or the highway, I feel for my son as he is caught in the middle. The sister is now looking but my DIL feels she has being badly done by and I know she will punish me and keep my grandchildren at a distance.

Im very confused and angry at myself.

Nellie 60

[Isabella_]

Hey there Nellie,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling depressed because of this situation. This seems like a complex situation, and family conflict is never easy on anyone. I know that you're feeling angry at yourself.. but please don't place the responsibility of this situation all on yourself. You couldn't have predicted that she would decide to take advantage of your offer, and that's on her.

You were compassionate and genuine when offering to help out your dil's sister, and you have set your boundaries around the length of her stay. She should be grateful and understanding of the fact she needs to be on her own feet because of the tension this situation has caused. You aren't obligated to be responsible for someone especially since this situation has had a lot of negative affects on your wellbeing and relationships.

That's an awful thing that you feel that she will punish you by keeping your grandchildren at a distance. As the others have said, you should not feel villified for being compassionate and hospitable by helping family to get on their feet. I hope you can feel content that you've asserted your boundaries and have every right to do so.

I hope when this resolves and she's independent again you will start to feel a weight lift. I hope you're taking care of yourself as best as you can.

[Nellie60]

Isabella,

Thankyou for your lovely words, I am doing the best I can in this situation, I hope and pray that my DIL will see that her sister is responsible for her own actions and either her or myself should be responsible for her happiness. As my DIL states she is only a trainee in child care but she also has a second job and was talking about buying a new car. So priorities need to be set, I am a woman in her sixties and my stress and bp levels way through the roof.

So all I can do is hope some of them will forgive me for being the generous person that I am.

Nellie60

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Nellie60,

Stay strong and please don’t be too harsh on yourself. It’s a very bad repayment you have gotten for your generosity and kindness. Sooner or later people’s bad deeds come up to the surface and your dil will see for herself, if she is reluctant to hear you now. I am really sorry that a kind person like yourself has been caught in such ungrateful situation.