My adult daughter has cut me out of her life

[Beeva]

Over the past years my daughter has chosen to disastance herself from me.  This has been a gradual.  If I call her she is polite but aloud . She never calls me. On her 50th birthday there was a " family" get together. I was not invited.  I had no knowledge of the event until my granddaughter ( my sons daughter) rang to ask if I was attending.  She avoids family get together so at Xmas even though I have invited her numerous times. When I asked her what the matter is and why she has decided to disassociate herself and her family from me her response was "don't go there, I'm dealing with it".  We have really never been close but I truly cannot see what I have done to deserve the way she now treats me. I feel that she is punishing me!   Occasions such as birthdays, never a card or a visit, usually just a text message.  

It damages me greatly and I try to live my life as positively as I can but it sends me into a deep hole each time there is a birthday or celebration.   How best can I deal with this 

.  Friends say just "get on with your life" but it's always there hurting.  

[white knight]

Hi Beeva, welcome

Re: ".  Friends say just "get on with your life" but it's always there hurting." They are right more on that later.

Re: "I truly cannot see what I have done to deserve the way she now treats me. I feel that she is punishing me!"  You likely didn't do anything that deserves such treatment.

Re: "usually just a text message." You might be one of the lucky ones

Although my daughter is much younger at 22yo there is a common streak there. I've gone over and over in my mind of anything I've done to upset her. The fact that I still provided for her with not a cent of arrears in child support doesn't matter to a child of ours for example. They don't look at dads that avoid paying it to a reasonable level. At 14yo I paid $14,000 above my child support so my daughter could get her jaw and teeth realigned. At 20yo she became a Facebook friend and she thanked me then for her jaw operations then a few weeks later defriended me for no apparent reason. So like you I was again thrown on the rubbish dump.

You will have to decide yourself what you want to do but for me constant disruption, minimal communication, likely coercion from her mother, no real effort and so on was just too much for me. I told her once- "I cannot be a grandfather to any children you have unless you want to be a daughter to me". Reason being that if I became a grandfather and was introduced to them I run a serious risk of her stopping me from seeing them. And the hurt continues. So what was my final decision?

I needed to come to terms with it all and make a decision. I decided that as she has a car and license I will no longer drive one kilometre to see her. I'm 2 hours away from her. She can come and talk. I don't want her accompanied by anyone eg boyfriend, children. She has a narrow window of possibility to create a relationship with me, so narrow I'd say its highly unlikely due to her stubbornness.

You must protect yourself from anyone that is unreasonable and hurtful.

Mental comfort in these situations comes often from making your own comfort zone. Your daughter has chosen not to tell you the reasons, that she is "dealing with it" tells me there is some issues she needs to work through.. But if you don't know what they are you cannot help.

"move on with your life". Easy to say, hard to do. Erect the fence she needs to jump to be in YOUR life., the fence of reason and compassion.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Beeva,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

I am sorry to read that you are having trouble communicating with your daughter. It does seem that something has upset her and she is not sure how to deal with it.

Unfortunately relationships of any kind can be difficult and people can sometimes behave in ways that are so confusing.

Your daughter sounds like she may be angry or confused about something. I know I become loud when I am feeling that way. It is not right though that she takes it out on you and doesn't explain what is going on for her.

In a way it is promising that she sends you a text message for your birthday, hearing nothing at all from her would be very sad. I do find these days that a lot of people don't send cards any more for Birthdays, it is more the text messages.

It is sad when people are not around for special events like Christmas and Birthdays. I have a sister in law who excludes me and tells me I am not part of the family. That really hurts. I try to get over that by inviting my own family and friends to special occasions. I make the most of the day and enjoy the company of those who are with me.

One thing I have learnt is that we can't really make other people do something we wish they would do.

Maybe you could send your daughter a card and just write a simple message in it like "I am thinking of you and hoping you are okay. Love from Mum". Who knows what the result might be!

Just a thought.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools