Mother’s Day BLUES

[Squirrell]

My ex husband became physically abusive to me after we had our son . I left him when my son was 12months old and raised him on my own. His father had two relationships after me both ended with AVO’s . He only saw his son when it suited him and didn’t pay child support .My son was diagnosed with special needs at 3years old ADHD and severe ODD.With the help of an amazing psychiatrist and a lot of hard work he grew into a confident adult . I found great schools for him to get special needs education this helped him get his mechanic job. When he was 21years his girlfriend fell pregnant just before he was going overseas away with his mates .He was upset and asked me for my advise so I shared my observations and expressed my concerns .She mentioned a few times she wanted to be a young mum and have four kids close together. She left home when she was 16years old and has chosen not to have a relationship with her parents or siblings . She didn’t have a lot of friends , was very clingy and was isolating him from his friends. My sons girlfriend knew I was concerned about my sons future and she aligned herself with my ex husband who was thrilled being a grandfather.My son listened to his father and chose to continue the relationship and pregnancy . Since then my son has not talked to me but has chosen to become close to his father . When this happened I saw my sons psychiatrist and she said males brains do not mature until they are 25years ,are influenced by sex, she felt he was in a toxic relationship and I did the right thing pointing out red flags. She said as a parent you want your children to be safe ,make responsible decisions and be in a healthy relationship. I didn’t want him to be in his late 20’s with four children and feel trapped .This has caused me a lot of anxiety and i felt like a failure as a mum. I have agreed to go on anti depressants which helps. Unfortunately on special days like birthdays,Christmas and Mother’s Day I feel depressed .My son is now 23years and has two children which I have never met and don’t believe I ever will. I use to have a close relationship with my son and now I have been cut out of his life so mother’s day is A sad day for me and not looking forward to it !

I am lucky to have a wonderful husband who is very supportive and caring .I have stopped sharing my feelings with him because he feels hopeless not being able to change the way I feel so I pretend I am OK but I am not !

[Sophie_M]

Hey Squirrell, welcome to the Beyond Blue community. We understand it can be quite daunting to join, so well done to you for making this first step.

We're so sorry to hear about your former relationship. We think you are such a strong person to have come through so much and have such a positive and proactive perspective on moving forward in your life. We're also sorry to hear about your son and the challenges occurring in his life. It must be so difficult to not have contact with him or his children, and we understand how upset this must make you feel on Mothers day. 

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Hopefully, a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this time of adjustment. Our community would love to help you in your journey of pressing that reset button.
 

[quirkywords]

Squirrel,

am so sorry for what has happened with your son. At specially at mothers day it is so distressing.

have friend whose son did not talk to him for years and did not invite her to his wedding and he did not see his grandchild till she was 2.

Son did not contact her for 5 years and the did it gradually. It was slo at first but now they are getting on well.

Some people can be manipulated by others but hopefully he will remember what a supportive mum you are.

[Squirrell]

Thank you for your reply. His psychiatrist said the same thing about partner manipulation and that when he gets older he will remember how I always had his best interest at heart and how much I loved him. Gives me hope ! Thank you 🙏

[ecomama]

Dear Squirrell

My heart goes out to you at this sad time. This situation is not fair and the injustice is horrible.

A lot of parental alienation has happened here.

When I was alienated from my adult child it was so distressing for me. My counsellor told me to consistently and persistently be myself. I felt I couldn't control my grief. I couldn't. I was told I could not visit or call.

I don't know what you have tried to do, so please excuse me if I'm out of line.

I sent a weekly text. I maintained all birthday, Easter etc presents and mailed them. I sent cards with a photo inside of something funny we shared once ie a pet, a favourite tree etc with simple messages.

When I got angry texts asking why I was doing this. I simply answered because I love you. Then cried a lot by myself. I was never told to stop, so I continued.

It took years but it happened, the contact increased and was received with very little expectation from me. I hope it happens for you. Big hugs.

Love EM

[white knight]

Hi Squirrel, welcome

Mothers days and similar special days are tough to get through.

I thought I’d offer another angle on your situation because I haven’t seen my mother for 10 years and I don’t believe I ever will. She’s 89yo and tried to control my life. I’m 64yo and spent 54years trying to please her with never being good enough.

This is not a comparison because every situation is different.

Your son was planning to go overseas with his mates when his girlfriend fell pregnant. He is partly responsible for that situation due to unprotected sex. He has now had a second child- same responsibility.

You did say “I didn’t want him to be in his late 20’s with four children and be trapped”. It is as if your son would be totally innocent of such a situation and his partner fully responsible? Besides, we all make up our own decisions after 18yo yes?

Regardless, it is unfortunate his father is now reaping the benefits of a son he didn’t pay for nor devoted himself to. However your sons girlfriend is now a large part of your sons life and has to be accepted fully as that- any dissatisfaction on your part will cause or maybe has already caused -division.

I hope my mentioning of the above is simply worth thinking about. I do hope and believe your son will want to return-enter your life again sometime into the future. Such an opportunity you’ll embrace and hopefully enjoy your grandchildren as strictly a grandmother and leave alone your sons lifestyle choices that he wants to make.

You have earned the respect a mother should receive, I hope it works out if not this Mother’s Day the hopefully the next.

Any contact you’ll be tempted to make- try and make it subtle and warn and short. Like birthday cards, short and showing live.

If you get or make the opportunity to talk to his girlfriend I would praise her for any good points you acknowledge like her motherhood or how she cares for your son.

TonyWK

[Squirrell]

Thank you for sharing your experience but every time I have tried to reach out I get a hostile response. Last week he warned me if I continue to contact him he will get a restraining order.