Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Marriage breakdown and your recovery
  • replies: 3

Many friends and family members seem aghast at the news of your split. They are supportive at first then after a few days or weeks you do the chasing to keep that support going because your grief is ongoing. That is particularly difficult to overcome... View more

Many friends and family members seem aghast at the news of your split. They are supportive at first then after a few days or weeks you do the chasing to keep that support going because your grief is ongoing. That is particularly difficult to overcome because your whole life has folded. Relationship split and its severity depends on ones endurance. A split from a girlfriend/boyfriend you've dated for a few weeks can be more harsh on some that have been married for 20 years. There is no yardstick, no comparing individuals and their feelings. We should as outsiders treat them all seriously. Having children with your estranged partner intensifies the grief and its prolonged. Issues like visitations, child support, education, communication, jealousy, finances and ongoing bitterness can test everyone, some more than others. So here is my thoughts based on 3 previous long term relationships (all over 7 years duration) and tips on how to recover. The initial grief period. Allow yourself time and solitude, rest and recuperation. Visiting friends and family will find support but there is no real way to short cut the grief. Secure your accommodation, transport, temporary roster for access to children and if possible some basic means of communication with your estranged partner like email. Email/messages allows for you to think before replying. It's ok to feel regret, revenge or failure. Just refuse to react to those intrusive thoughts. Maintain your values, be true to your character. Once you feel you are beginning to overcome the grief your recovery will be accelerated with finding distractions. That can come with an adventurist attitude- camping, touring around, hobbies, sports...even dating. Spontaneity. It's Friday and a weekend without your kids coming up. Book a hot air balloon flight, scuba diving, attend a model aircraft club...fill your weekend up. Avoid potential actions that hinder your recovery. Gambling and alcohol consumption come to mind. Soul searching. The advantage of splitting with a partner is taking the time to seek out your true self. I did this with watching YouTube videos of - Maharaji prem rawat. Google him and seek out videos of "sunset", "the perfect instrument" and many others. Bathe your spirit, elevate your pride Finally, mental self care. A visit to your GP, a phone call to Dads in Distress DIDS or reaching out to this forum. Rebuild self esteem lost and recover. There is a future worth pursuing. Post for discussion TonyWK

nikodemus Wife left me after 13 years marriage. She felt that she's now attracted to women
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Hi all. Feeling broken after my little wife, like i used to call her, told me that she finds herself very disturbed and "maybe attracted to women". We've a child, he's 12 years. I don't know if he suspects anything, but me and my wife almost didn't t... View more

Hi all. Feeling broken after my little wife, like i used to call her, told me that she finds herself very disturbed and "maybe attracted to women". We've a child, he's 12 years. I don't know if he suspects anything, but me and my wife almost didn't talk for a last several weeks. We've been on tough period lately. Well, she was, to be precise. She's been hit by severe health problems, like 4th grade endometriosis (with a possibility to remove the uterus in near future), complicated surgery on simple operation (anesthetics "did not turn on the lungs" when it had to and she felt that she couldn't breath), that hardened her mental problems, which were surrounding her all the time. Then problems at job, she quited it. Then panic attacks etc. Then several weeks course at psychiatric clinic. She felt much better, but something changed irreversably there. I tought it's because she wants to settle down after all this disturbing experiences. Our sex life never was very colourful, i even asked her if she's attracted to women once. She denied. I never felt desirable by my wife. And this question was painfull for both of us. There were all the explanations, you could imagine. For the last year i tought it was because of her severe pains because of endometriosis and it somehow relieved my frustration at some level. After all, things happen and i had to understand and support my spouse. But then she started to avoid me, more time spending with "friends from psychiatric clinic". She even started avoiding the gaze. I was informed that some of those friends were homosexual. We even spent some time together in nature. Yesterday i writed her on messenger "should i know something?", while both being at home, when she came from "just a meeting with a friend". She asked me to "give her several weeks, so she could spent this time to think about everything at her (girl)friends appartments". And then she left. Got back after several hours. Then i asked, what's happening and she told, that she may be attracted to women. It hurts. Then she told, that she feels very hapy with her friend. Ouch. Also she told, that she couldn't even think about sex with men. Uf. And then she told, that "tried everything she needed and liked it very much". Ok. Also she explained, that she won't let her think about it herself for whole life, but she was helped to find herself by a psychiatrist at clinics. I feel broken and spend all the day playing with my son. Swallowing my tears when he doesn't see

KyleO Feel like I'm trapped in my own mind, can't stop mentally hurting my mother.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, first post so I apologise if its wordy, I've got a lot on my mind though and need to get this out. So to give some context, my Mum has raised me by herself since I was born, my other two siblings moved out very young and so it's been bas... View more

Hi everyone, first post so I apologise if its wordy, I've got a lot on my mind though and need to get this out. So to give some context, my Mum has raised me by herself since I was born, my other two siblings moved out very young and so it's been basically just me and her in a very isolated home for 16+ years. She's done absolutely everything in her power to give me a comfortable life as I've always been very lonely, and she was abused as a child and became very protective of her kids as a result. She has been so protective, in fact, that I have been spoilt rotten and don't know anything that an independent young man should know. I don't cook nor clean, she had to homeschool me from 8 years old because I was bullied, and because I was (and still am) addicted to video games, I found it very hard to focus. Which brings me to my current state, and hers too: We've both got severe depression, and a lot of negative thoughts each day. I beat myself up mentally because I've become a pessimist and slob over the years, that issue goes far deeper and I won't put it here unless people are curious. Anyway, we both hold a lot of pain inside, but for some reason, I can't interact with her with the amount of love she deserves. I'm extremely lazy, as a result of being coddled since birth or depression I don't know, but if Mum asks for the smallest favor I react negatively. She asked for a coffee because she was mowing the lawn (something she's wanted me to do for years which I avoid like everything else) and I reacted almost in a hostile way. I didn't mean to, it just happened, and I didn't register it at the time, but later she came inside and I just felt off, she was upset. I have always done this...I don't celebrate her birthday (or my own, given the choice.) I don't give her gifts. I don't do anything a loving son should, but every time I hurt her I feel it, I want to smack my head against something as justice for harming this angel that has raised me. I've hurt her so many times that 'I'm sorry.' is no longer a phrase that can be said in our house. So I hid in my room, and listened with a mind crying out in self-hatred as she cried. I don't know why I am like this, I've got friends these days, games to entertain me, a bike to ride, and yet I am so angry and sad inside, and keep hurting the one closest to me as well. Apologies if this upset anyone, but I just needed to get this out there, relieve a little pressure from this broken mind of mine.

Moesha Staying with my bipolar husband is making me sick
  • replies: 10

Hi guys, I am new to this whole forum, telling people my story thing so am a bit scared but, I need help and it’s now or never. i married my husband 16 years ago. In the first 11 years of our marriage he had 5 different affairs, had all the traits of... View more

Hi guys, I am new to this whole forum, telling people my story thing so am a bit scared but, I need help and it’s now or never. i married my husband 16 years ago. In the first 11 years of our marriage he had 5 different affairs, had all the traits of bipolar highs but wasn’t diagnosed until I wanted a divorce and he finally got help and a diagnosis. We have 4 children ages ranging from 15 to 8 years. This is my second marriage and have tried very hard to keep my family together as I know the pain divorce can have on children and didn’t want this to happen to my kids. My problem is, I have all the responsibilities of this family, from bill paying, to home schooling to grocery shopping, kids doctors appts, (my 10 yr old has ASD, 16 yr old has Anxiety & my husband who has just gotten a full time job, to rubbish disposal and the list goes on. He does nothing around the house and when I ask him to, he gets angry and abusive. He watches tv, plays games and is teaching our 10 year old the same lifestyle while spending no time with the girls. He constantly picks on our 15 yr old daughter and says she’s just like his older sister with whom he has no relationship and disposes. I want to leave but I’m scared my kids will be affected badly by it. We live separate lives, sleep in different rooms, he sleeps with our son, and I’m so tired of holding up the front especially in front of our religious friends and congregation. Separation is something you don’t do. I’m not in love with him but care for him as we’ve had some good times. I’m just over the lies, the money spending, the joy he gets from playing the happy charismatic guy to others and the lazy, selfish husband that’s at home. How do I leave when I feel so trapped?

sunnybeach19 Coping with being kicked out/ Verbal abuse/ Not sure how to start over
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My mum kicked me out in May, and I moved in with my dad. I don't know why I wasn't good enough to stay with my mum, I don't know why she doesn't me. For the last 6 years, I've been subjected to verbal and emotional abuse, and every day, her words pla... View more

My mum kicked me out in May, and I moved in with my dad. I don't know why I wasn't good enough to stay with my mum, I don't know why she doesn't me. For the last 6 years, I've been subjected to verbal and emotional abuse, and every day, her words play through my mind. She believes she can do no wrong and that's what is getting to me the most because I don't get why she has to hate me. With her, something is always wrong, everything had to have a label. And that's what she made me believe. She drilled it into my head that something is wrong with me and that I'm not normal and that no one likes me because I never got invited anywhere, I never got invited places because I had no friends because I couldn't keep them because every time I made a friend she made me feel like shit for having them and I just want one day where I don't hear her words in my mind and stop thinking everything is my fault.

maggie9 Lonely
  • replies: 2

Hi, i just really don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like every weekend I’m crying at home alone. My few friends that I have have their own friendship groups who they prefer to hang out with. My partner has his friends who he hangs out with. Eve... View more

Hi, i just really don’t know what to do anymore. It feels like every weekend I’m crying at home alone. My few friends that I have have their own friendship groups who they prefer to hang out with. My partner has his friends who he hangs out with. Every week I’m left with no one. I feel so alone. Yes I have friends but I hardly leave my bed except for work. It can’t be healthy crying alone in bed every weekend. My partner always tries to be supportive but everything he says is a lie. He says my friends all love me. That can’t be true if they never want to see me, always coming up with some lame excuse, but never seems to have an excuse when they have their better friends they hang out with. I just don’t know what to do I feel like I have no one.

tiarhnad I feel unwanted and abandoned
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My boyfriend of 4 years constantly finds ways to not be there for me when I am having what we could call an episode. As we all know we have days when it is all way to hard for us to do things. Today was one of those days for me and I let my partner k... View more

My boyfriend of 4 years constantly finds ways to not be there for me when I am having what we could call an episode. As we all know we have days when it is all way to hard for us to do things. Today was one of those days for me and I let my partner know that I really needed him today to comfort me as I’m not having a good day. Every time I’m having one of these days when I need his support he turns his back on me and says he is tired or his mum won’t let him (his almost 20). It makes me feel like he is avoiding trying to help me and everytime I mention this he says he is being helpful and that he loves me. I can’t help but feel so let down and abandoned like I’m too much but this is when I need his love most. I’m not asking for much. Just his love, attention and time. Am I being crazy? I just need him with me. He takes the ease of my anxiety and depression. Does anyone have any advice?

SparklySushi I feel like I’ve had to accept marriage isn’t going to happen
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I am 26 (27 in 2 months) he is 27. He lives at home still with his parents and I was out of home but decided to move back with my Dad so I could save for a house so basically both me and my partner don't get no real privacy or be treated like adults.... View more

I am 26 (27 in 2 months) he is 27. He lives at home still with his parents and I was out of home but decided to move back with my Dad so I could save for a house so basically both me and my partner don't get no real privacy or be treated like adults. We have always done long distance been together for 2 years this November so we only see each other on the weekends. We had planned on moving forward and myself moving to his city. This was back in November 2018 where I put my transfer form in (I can transfer with my work) and that was unknown how long it would take. My partner has since swapped jobs 3 times and still is job searching and is never happy and now is money struggling and he finally admitted it was to much pressure for him so I took my transfer out and we would wait again. I feel like since this has happened I feel like it wasn't only the transfer form I took away but my chance of marriage and kids...I have this thing even before my partner I wanted to be married before I was 30 otherwise I wouldn't want to at all and I feel like we won't live together til I'm nearly 27.7 years old and he probably won't propose for a few years which means it won't happen and then I'll have to be pushing kids out when I'm in my mid 30's. I see other couples who haven't been together nearly as long as us and already pregnant or engaged and everytime I see this it makes me feel like we won't ever move forward. He keeps promising me it'll all work out but I just don't know my depression is eating me alive because of this and he cracks up when I say if I'm not engaged by this time next year (I'll be 27.5 ) then I won't accept anything later. Has anyone else been similar to me or is it just me? My plans were to start studying nursing when I'm in my 30's not only getting married and having kids. I feel like because I have to wait for him why should I do his timeline and not mine? Help I don't know why I'm stuck on this and constantly thinking about it making myself feel worse. Just to be clear my partner wants to get married and doesn’t see age an issue.

sheree_f i got broken up with, no warning or explanation
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my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me 2 months ago. we never really fought or had problems other than just basic bickering and then one day he came over and told me that he had been unhappy for 3 months and didn’t know what to do. he sa... View more

my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me 2 months ago. we never really fought or had problems other than just basic bickering and then one day he came over and told me that he had been unhappy for 3 months and didn’t know what to do. he said he didn’t know what made him unhappy but it wasn’t anything i did (??????) but he just didn’t see us working anymore. i was obviously extremely upset, i loved him so much and always did everything in my power to make him happy and make him feel loved and appreciated he still wants to be friends and obviously i want that too because he was my best friend and i don’t want to lose him and have this stupid hope that we will get back together which is stupid thing to even think because it probably won’t happen but i just cannot stop thinking about him. every day i just wait to see if he will message me and i just want to talk to him and see him and i just don’t understand how someone can talk to you every day and tell you that they love you and then turn around the next day and leave you high and dry and the worst part is that i never wanted to depend on someone to be happy and i didn’t think i did but this has broken me in a way that i didn’t think i could ever feel and i am just constantly sad. i know that there’s so many worse things happening in the world and that so many people have it worse than me but i am literally just so sad all the time and i don’t understand why this has happened to me when all i ddi was love him and care for him and try my hardest for him everyone says it’ll get easier but it hasn’t and it’s been 2 months. i am such a hug believer in everything happens for a reason but i just can’t see the big picture and why i would need to go through this terrible pain to learn some sort of lesson :(((

Clarerosie Lost the love for my husband of 20years
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My husband and I recently embarked on an open relationship, originally to spice things up, we’ve had a couple of hook ups and it seemed to be working. No jealousy and it was purely a sexual orientation we chose. My dad is now in his final stages of A... View more

My husband and I recently embarked on an open relationship, originally to spice things up, we’ve had a couple of hook ups and it seemed to be working. No jealousy and it was purely a sexual orientation we chose. My dad is now in his final stages of Alzheimer’s and lives in the UK, my depression is unbearable as is my anxiety. This coincides with a sexual partner I had leaving the country - I had no idea i had become as attached to him but now he is away for a few weeks, I miss him so much it’s agonising. My husband doesn’t know I developed these feelings for someone else. i cannot imagine having those physical feelings for my husband .... I love him as a partner and father of our 3 beautiful kids but I’m so conflicted. I can’t eat, I can’t stop thinking about the other person who I don’t want to live without. Ive been denying feelings of loss of attraction to my husband for many years and now feel like it’s undeniable. I just don’t think I have enough love left or it is this just grief and depression talking??? Thank you for listening.