Hi Beth, welcome again
I responded to a previous similar post when you mentioned this and I'm happy you've returned to discuss futher this real problem.
So I've mentioned before (I think, I dont have a good memory) that I have 2 daughters now 33 and 36yo. My eldest has and always will be close to me as she thinks like me. My youngest is the same but like her mother and as her mother has narcissistic traits that daughter has them also. After 14 years of in and out of my life in a torturous manner (every 2 years messaging me on facebook then blocking me after 7 days) I had to make that very tough position and block her, that was 6 years ago. So around 2022 she would have gone on her computer on FB and found she could not send me a message.
The grief- oh yes Beth, how many memories do we parents think about? In my case she was a thumb sucker and so cute, I carried her everywhere. My first visit to them post separation she said "we want to keep you". It broke my heart I had to get out of the car, act like Im getting something out of the boot and ball my eyes out.
My eldest daughter has zero to do with her and her mother for the same reasons and without my influence. They are very toxic. So what now? Yes the photos are still standing, the thoughts swing through my mind like the wind, unannounced. What is the answer?
There's basic answers like distraction, variety in life like sports and hobbies, camping and so on. They do help. Distraction occupy our sensors so removing a photo could help a bit. Relying on other family members is not such a good idea as we humans all have different reactions. A spouse that had no contact with their son might not want to talk about him and he has that right as a coping mechanism. We are not all the same in this regard.
That's why therapy is so good even group therapy. Because a few words can change your way of thinking. Eg I used to build and fly model airplanes. My then partner, a bit of a controlling person complained at 1am often, that I should be in bed asleep. It became such a big issue that we went to counselling and her question to my partner was "so, do you have a passion"? She didnt so the counsellor said "then how could you relate to Tony's love and obsession with his passion". That was enough to change the whole dynamic.
Guilt. People that feel guilt are often empathetic people, kind and loving. Excess guilt are people that logically know they are correct with their actions but question their actions regardless. This is where it becomes a serious problem for those that feel so guilty. I am one of the latter as you appear to be. In your case you have helped your son way beyond what most people would classify as "reasonable" and your son has options like everyone else with seeking loans with the bank or budgeting. So what is a fair limit of financial assistance to offer your son? The answer is- your limit, or yours and your partners agreed limit. No one elses particularly your sons limitless expectation.
You sons needs/demands for financial draining of your funds is now developed whereby it is now a reflection of his lack of care for you, to be specific, lack of care for your financial dreams and security. That lack of care will never stop existing unless another person of influence can bring about change. A friend of theirs or a counsellor.
If you sort out a counsellor to help you and attended, you might ask them if you could invite your son to the next meeting. If he doesnt go then thats his decision but you will with him or without him gain more peace from that experience than if you dont seek it out.
TonyWK
