Missing my son - whom I have blocked

BethD

Hi,

I just want to know how to stop feeling guilty like grief like, missing my son who I chose to block for financial manipulation issues which have been going on for over 15 years. I have photos of him that I look at as I pass them and I ask myself how did it get to this. Has anyone else blocked a family member and then grieved, missed, and felt guilty about doing so.

blues23

Hi Beth

yes I’ve blocked both members of my family . The guilt is never ending but I try to remind myself it’s their choice to treat me as they did ,so therefore they are grownups they know what they are doing it doesn’t mean I have to take it . Doesn’t mean I have to keep putting myself out there to suffer more pain . I didn’t cause what happened between my family & I they made their choices and I made mine to step away to protect myself . It seems you have done the same you have stepped away to protect yourself and this is ok . I don’t have much advice for the guilt but when I’m feeling sad or whatever I ask myself are my family thinking the same of me and that answer always comes back as no. Do they feel guilty no they don’t so why should I. It’s a hard line to take but I think you should remember why you choose to protect yourself from further financial damages from your child , it’s very sad you had to go thru this. I don’t look at photos of my family anymore infact I had a huge clean out of gifts they gave me as they admitted they did give me these things out of spite so that was quite cathartic to get rid of those things as they were bad karma . I’m in no way suggesting u throw out pics of ur child but perhaps put them somewhere u wont feel triggered by them I’ve put all my family pics frames ect in a box and I may never look at them again . My phone pics I just ignore the memories reel eventually I’ll down load them to a usb and put them in the same box as my photo frames. Memories are hard , birthdays , Xmas are hard I find these events triggering but i remember nothing my family do is out of love it’s out of control and to hurt me so I just focus on trying to be as happy as I can without them it’s not easy but you have to do what’s right for u and ur wellbeing.

white knight

Hi Beth, welcome again

I responded to a previous similar post when you mentioned this and I'm happy you've returned to discuss futher this real problem.

So I've mentioned before (I think, I dont have a good memory) that I have 2 daughters now 33 and 36yo. My eldest has and always will be close to me as she thinks like me. My youngest is the same but like her mother and as her mother has narcissistic traits that daughter has them also. After 14 years of in and out of my life in a torturous manner (every 2 years messaging me on facebook then blocking me after 7 days) I had to make that very tough position and block her, that was 6 years ago. So around 2022 she would have gone on her computer on FB and found she could not send me a message.

The grief- oh yes Beth, how many memories do we parents think about? In my case she was a thumb sucker and so cute, I carried her everywhere. My first visit to them post separation she said "we want to keep you". It broke my heart I had to get out of the car, act like Im getting something out of the boot and ball my eyes out.

My eldest daughter has zero to do with her and her mother for the same reasons and without my influence. They are very toxic. So what now? Yes the photos are still standing, the thoughts swing through my mind like the wind, unannounced. What is the answer?

There's basic answers like distraction, variety in life like sports and hobbies, camping and so on. They do help. Distraction occupy our sensors so removing a photo could help a bit. Relying on other family members is not such a good idea as we humans all have different reactions. A spouse that had no contact with their son might not want to talk about him and he has that right as a coping mechanism. We are not all the same in this regard.

That's why therapy is so good even group therapy. Because a few words can change your way of thinking. Eg I used to build and fly model airplanes. My then partner, a bit of a controlling person complained at 1am often, that I should be in bed asleep. It became such a big issue that we went to counselling and her question to my partner was "so, do you have a passion"? She didnt so the counsellor said "then how could you relate to Tony's love and obsession with his passion". That was enough to change the whole dynamic.

Guilt. People that feel guilt are often empathetic people, kind and loving. Excess guilt are people that logically know they are correct with their actions but question their actions regardless. This is where it becomes a serious problem for those that feel so guilty. I am one of the latter as you appear to be. In your case you have helped your son way beyond what most people would classify as "reasonable" and your son has options like everyone else with seeking loans with the bank or budgeting. So what is a fair limit of financial assistance to offer your son? The answer is- your limit, or yours and your partners agreed limit. No one elses particularly your sons limitless expectation.

You sons needs/demands for financial draining of your funds is now developed whereby it is now a reflection of his lack of care for you, to be specific, lack of care for your financial dreams and security. That lack of care will never stop existing unless another person of influence can bring about change. A friend of theirs or a counsellor.

If you sort out a counsellor to help you and attended, you might ask them if you could invite your son to the next meeting. If he doesnt go then thats his decision but you will with him or without him gain more peace from that experience than if you dont seek it out.

TonyWK

BethD

Hi, I posted about my son whom I have blocked due to financial manipulation and now I believe he has a gambling addiction as does my husband his stepdad and want to know how to deal with this as I unblocked him for one day just to hear his voice only to be told he is struggling mentally and financially and basically in a sense asking for help with money again. I told him I was not doing this anymore so I would be blocking him again which I've done and now feel guiltier than ever. How do I overcome this guilt, grief of missing him but not wanting to start the daily texts for money and how can I convince him to get help for himself as he obviously needs it too.

Paw Prints

Hello BethD,

It is hard when a loved one develops an addiction in whatever form. I had a much loved brother who was an alcoholic & it affected every aspect of his life. May I suggest you try one of the gambling helplines which are also there for the families of gamblers as they may have more targeted advice. All I can offer is support for you blocking your son as hard as it is. I do believe we need to set boundaries both for our own & our loved ones best interest. I found that until they finally accept they have a problem & more importantly want things to change then it is next to impossible to get them into help.

take care

Paws

BethD

Hi it’s me again. Mum who blocked her son and wants to know how to stop these feelings of heartache and grief. Constantly thinking about it and it’s making my depression worse.

melodica

Hello,

I hear the deep heartache you are experiencing right now. Some situations are incredibly difficult, and it is completely okay to admit that. This pain is not something you can simply wish away.

In my lived experience of grief, the only way to navigate the darkness is to actively feel it. There is truth in the saying that in order to heal, you must feel. When you try to suppress heartache, it often makes depression worse because the emotional energy remains trapped. Allowing yourself to sit with the grief processes the emotion, slowly reducing its overwhelming power over your daily life.

Because this process of feeling is exhausting, having support is essential. You do not have to carry this grief alone.

There is professional support through Griefline by calling 13 84 00 or visiting griefline.org.au. Beyond Blue is also available to support you at 1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au.

I hope this helps in a small way, and I hope you will continue to reach out here if you wish.

therising

Hi Beth

My heart goes out to you so much while melodica offers you great words of wisdom which I can relate to.

To feel into certain emotions is not easy and can be incredibly painful. Given my own experience with deep and overwhelming grief, sometimes I've found there's no choice but for it overflow out through my eyes while I'm feeling it. There are even times where I have sobbed it out through my mouth or talked it out. Deep grief cannot stay within us. There is nothing wrong with venting it, if no harm is being done.

I'm not sure if the following will help but I'll put it out there in the hope that it makes some difference to you, in easing your pain. While questioning my overwhelming pain at one point, a revelation came to mind for me, 'This is love in a different form, a painful one'. I was not used to feeling love in such a way, which is why it was so hard to manage to begin with. While having lost one of the three greatest loves of my life this time last year (my mum) I had to try and make sense of my suffering so that I wouldn't become deeply depressed. I have faced deep depressions before in my life and was determined to not go to that place again. It just feels so soul destroying. I can relate to where you find yourself right now. At a time of loss, it involves so much recall and so many revelations. All the times you shared love with that person (through laughter, care, devotion etc) or expressed your love for them through words and actions is recalled. Through such recall, it's revealed how deeply you loved them and still do in some ways. When true love and the depth is revealed it can be overwhelming. It's almost like you can feel your heart or chest ache with so much overwhelming love. This is what I have found. There is no choice but to find new ways to love, ways that can involve radiating it out to others or through actions that allow it to not feel so condensed. I admit, I'm still in the process of working it out or radiating it out of me. Another way of venting.

The other two loves of my life are my kids, my 23yo daughter and 20yo son. While I can relate to what it's like to lose a beloved mother, I do not assume to know what it is like to lose a child in some way, including the way you are struggling with. I can only imagine. While we play our part in a loving relationship, 'tough love' is sometimes the only way to play it. How the other person responds to that becomes their call. Whether they choose to develop through this kind of love or service to them is again their choice. It may take a while for them to understand this push for self development or they may never understand.

I think sometimes it helps to actually define what love means to us, personally. This way there's a better understanding of how we thrive through it or why we suffer through a lack of it. For me, love is found in evolution, in more ways that one. If I am invested in a person's evolution, I am loving them. If they are invested in my evolution, I will feel their love for me. If I am invested in my own evolution, I am loving myself. You are invested in your son's evolution, trying to lead him to evolve in certain ways beyond who he is now. Sometimes tough love is toughest on the parent who loves so deeply. A child may never understand this kind of love until they become a parent themself. In the meantime, perhaps the question for you may be 'How can I love myself back to life and who are the best people to surround myself with in the process of doing it?'. While you are evolving yourself or loving yourself, your son may be in the process of working on himself, at some point re-turning to you or turning to you again as a different person. Time apart may be what's needed for you both to evolve in your own ways.