Marriage on the brink

[Nads]

all, 

this would be a bit long story but I will try my best to make it short as possible. So I have been married for 10 years after hwving 6 years of being in a relationship with my wife but throughout the years it was msinly a long distance relationship as we were in two different countries even until the first four years of our marriage. We married in 2015 however due to visa issues we couldn’t be together until 2019 but during that time i visited her couple of times. The issue that I’m pointing out started around 2020/2021 where my wife started to have a chat friend from his previous work it was not actually a regular chat at first as she told me about it. But I had full faith on her but things went on the wrong side and both my wife and other other guy became close that they kinda fell for each other. I know all this as I have seen their chats. Few times i confronted her to stop but it went on and it was ruining my mind. I found out my wife has sent few pics of her wearing a see through night dress and also a video clip while she was having bath. And in 2022 we went to our come county for a vacation there she was planning to meet him in a hotel. Also I have seen thier erotic chats as well and that guy has sent her videos where my wife has requested from him earlier to send as she wants to see his one. I was so helpless and during that time i suffered a lot thinking sbout this couldn’t sleep and work. However during our vacation we had a discussion about it and told my wife to stop the chatting and I forgave her for what she did. But i couldn’t stop thinking about it since then even sometimes at night I wake up having those chats coming into my mind. Well there’s much more important point I have to make, fot all these years we haven’t had sex at all I mean we have tried many times but the actually act didn’t went at all. So she was pointing that she was neglected that’s why her mind went astray hsving that chat. And recently I have been going through a similar situation with al the memories in mind I fell for another woman we chatted and it went too far that I had sex fot the first time with her as well. Now I can’t forget that woman as I think I’m having a strong bond with her and the feeling I had wasn’t the same with my wife I know we have been together for 16 years but I feel different with that woman whom i now love her. My heart wants her but sometimes it makes me sad if I’m doing a wrong thing to my wife coz we are going for a devorce since I have no feelings for her . Even thoug we didn’t have a good physical relationship we had a strong emotional bond between us. I’m struggling to make up my mind of what to decide. We have been separated for the past 3,4 months and I have lost the love that I had for my wife. Going to a devorce is the best option I have here ? Please let me know your thoughts on this 

[Croix]

Dear Nads~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum, it was a good move on your part as I'd expect you will get differing perspectives on your situation.

To deal first of all with the question of divorce, I guess there may be many practical matters to take into account, however leaving them to one side I'd not think it an easy idea to permanently remain with your wife if you truly love someone else. Additionally if you wife has already formed one attachment with another. However that's just me.

Have you talked this though in a freindly non-accusatory manner with your wife to find what you both think?

That in itself can be a puzzle if it is a passing attraction, or permanent love, something you will have to look inside yourselves to see.  Obviously if you are divorcing in favor of someone else their feelings and thoughts need to be examined as thoroughly as yours and your wife's and given as much weight.

Sometimes things can seem fine in one set of circumstances but become more one-sided in another set. One can be going from a 'safe' set of circumstances into the unknown with all its risks and responsibilities, plus sometimes 'the grass is greener'.

I have a suspicion that the very lengthy time you and your wife had apart, if my math is correct a longer period than when you have been together, has made for a non-contact relationship that may have filled both your needs at the time. When you did finally get together permanently contact and intimacy would seem to be a very natural expectation

While in your case this may have resulted in temporary impotence it did not have the  same effect on your wife, who entered another long distance relationship that changed into a physical one.

Apart from suggesting you do not rush into things I've not really given you a specific direction to go in, just some thoughts to take into consideration.

One thing that may be of help is to go to couples counceling, a third party may make quite a difference to the way you see things. I'd suggest Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) if they are in your area.

I hope it works out well

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for sharing ... it sounds like you’ve been through a very difficult and painful journey. I can’t tell you what you should do because this is a deeply personal and complex situation only you can decide. It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling with feelings/emotions and that stuff.

Whatever you decide, it might help to talk to a professional counselor (rather than just friends or family) who can support you as you navigate these emotions and choices. They can help you explore what you truly want and what will bring you peace in the long run. There’s nothing wrong with talking to friends or family, but they might have biases that make it harder to get an objective perspective?

If you ever want to talk more, I’m listening...

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

lt's all been one huge emotional and v painful roller coast you've been going through for a very long time and then the long distance thrown into that mix all that time too. But you know, she felt neglected well, this stuff goes both ways that's not only a womans privilege . Men have needs and can feel and be neglected too especially when there's not only everything else going on but meanwhile instead of working on that with you, she's carrying on with someone else instead on the side.

So you know, what's happened with you now and this new woman later on after everything your w had put you through, some might call karma .

But then whatever the case your where your at now, this new lady or not, things with your w weren't right for you anyway and she wasn't right for you either. Soooo, separately, lt def' sounds like the D is best all round anyway first of all, no two ways about that and so all you can do is carry on and get through all that as best you can and then from there l guess a new page begins right.

Good luck with it all.

rx