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Marriage issues.

manoody92
Community Member

Hi everyone,

I posted a while ago with some issues I was having.

My husband and I have been going to counselling, although I don’t feel like he really likes it. He just sort of sits there and agrees with everything the counsellor says...when I know he thinks otherwise. When we got home from a session last week we had an argument and I recorded part of it. I plan on showing the counsellor next time we go so she knows what he really speaks to me like. I’m just so lost and unhappy at the moment, I don’t know what to do.

Our relationship started and progressed very quickly, and I feel like that’s contributed to a lot of what’s happening.

But the way he treats me is just so condescending and disrespectful I’m starting to resent him. I feel like if we didn’t have our daughter I would’ve left by now... any advice?

5 Replies 5

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Manoody, please let me offer you a warm welcome to the forums.

The counsellor can read the body language and would have a clear idea of what's going on in your marriage and remember you can't really change your husband because after a while he will go back to how he was.

When he agrees with the counsellor he is hoping she will be on his side, I don't think that will happen and it may give her an indication of what the situation is like at home.

You could still have a break from each other with the daughter staying with you.

When we had marriage counselling my wife had the floor and it wasn't until an assault from someone else was mentioned it all changed.

We were living apart from each other.

Are you having counselling by yourself.

Geoff.

manoody92
Community Member

Hi Geoff, thank you.

I will be having a session alone with the counsellor on Friday. Which is great! But I don’t think my husband is very happy about it.

Yes, I have mentioned a separation but he doesn’t seem to like that idea...

Hi Manoody, thanks for your reply.

I think having a session by yourself is a good idea, as it seems as though your husband isn't pleased with anything you do, but you know you need to look after yourself and are you taking the tape with you.

Please let us know and all the best.

Geoff.

Hi manoody,

Relationships can be difficult. Hopefully your husband will be able to open up more at the sessions and speak his mind there and not at home after.

I sometimes find it is helpful to have a bit of space from my husband now and then, to do something that I enjoy and leave him at home or to his own devices.

Do you have hobbies and interests you can pursue either in the home or out? Being a little independent can be beneficial.

It is also important to try and spend some quality time with your husband. Is it possible to go out on a date with him? Can someone watch your child for you even if you go out for coffee for a couple of hours? If an argument starts to happen, you both need to decide that is not the time to discuss any issues.

Some couples are able to schedule a time to discuss issues, say 8.00 p.m. You talk about your hassles, decide how you are going to remedy things, if you can't find a solution, agree to disagree then go your separate ways for a while to calm down.

Trying different strategies can help! All the best.

Cheers from Dools

GoodWitch
Community Member

Hi manoody,

A good counsellor will see through your husband's agreeableness, but it will take more than 1 or 2 sessions for her/him to bring it up probably. You can mention it in the session by yourself and see what happens. In counselling with my husband he did the same thing, and after a couple of appointments I learned to call him on it in front of the counsellor. I think it was his way of avoiding issues just as he had done in the marriage for so long - 'if I just nod my head at this woman she will think I'm taking this all in but I'm just waiting until my wife comes to her senses'. We were going for a while before I felt he was actually listening, so it might just be a matter of sticking it out a bit longer.

However it does sound a little like you might be feeling like there's no point. Or maybe that if you are resenting him, you are just too angry to give him yet another chance. Only you can figure that out. Your husband will definitely have to put in more of an effort if you're going to get past that. You have to do what's best for you, and having individual sessions is good for you so if your husband doesn't support that, it is his problem.

I have often thought 'if we didn't have kids I'd be gone' and while that might be true I think our problems might not have come to such a dire point if we hadn't had kids either. Parenting really has a way of putting stress on a relationship. I would never have known what I know now without them...maybe we would have floated along without real challenges to test us? What ifs can drive you mad. You can only deal with what's in front of you.

All the best. It might not be time to give up hope just yet, but you and the counsellor will need to make it clear to your husband what is required if the sessions are to be beneficial I think..

GW