Marriage failing because of cheating wife

[Toretto]

Hi, i've been with my wife for over 21 years and we have a large family together. It's been 2 years since her last affair and i still can't lose the bad memories / thoughts and end up feeling anxious and depressed. And 2 years later i'm still on anti depressants because of her.

She has cheated on me twice that i know of. The last time was the worst and has affected me the most (she still works at the same place as him). We went to marriage counselling and individual counselling for about 6 months to try and get past it. We stopped counselling as she said that she'd had enough and we didn't need it anymore.

I know the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" and i can definitely see that, as it's already happened twice that i know of.

I'm at a point where i don't want to put myself all out there for our relationship as i don't want to get hurt like that again. I've been trying to distance myself from her a little and she has noticed that i've been acting "different". Now she is constantly tagging me in social media posts and photos and trying to be nice.

I really dont know what to do. We have a large family with mortgage, loans, etc, etc. so i know it's going to be very messy. She is the type who will take me for everything and be really nasty.

Thanks

[Toretto]

I had the same feelings and i should of gone with my head not my heart. But at the time you just want the pain and hurt to go away.

Times when im alone or laying in bed i also play back what happened or if it's happening again and can't believe i've given her chances. They will just become more sneaky the next time it happens.

He will need to show you remorse and own up to what he's done to you and your family, as my wife still hasn't apologised or shown any remorse.

According to her it was my fault that she cheated....

If i were you i'd go and see my own counsellor. But If you think that it's worth it and you want to give your marriage a second shot maybe also see a marriage counsellor together.

It will be very hard and take a long time for you to gain any trust back.

[Betternow]

Hi Toretto

There is quite a wide body of literature on the internet that describes the healing processes involved when a partner has cheated in a marriage. I’m not referring to junk sites full of angry betrayed people baying for revenge but sites that can quote research and psychological trends.

My reading of the quality literature says that betrayal is not necessarily the end of a marriage. There are so many variables between cases so it is nearly impossible to predict the future.

However, one piece of consistent behaviour that does not bode well for the long prospects of a marriage are these:

No authentic apology or expression of remorse. They may say they are sorry for the hurt they’ve caused but are they sorry for having the affair? This is not a good sign.

They tend to blame shift. If you had been a better husband/wife I wouldn’t have been “forced “ into cheating. They use the passive sentence structure “people make mistakes, life has its ups and downs” “I need time out, I can’t think straight at the moment”

They become impatient and don’t allow you to express your feelings. Don’t start up on it again, when are you going to get over it? Can we just move on?

I wish I knew these things when my wife was unfaithful many years ago. Like the gullible, naive fool I was, I stuck it out (for the children’s sake mainly) and she carried on with her lovers for another 6 months. The damage couldn’t be repaired and we divorced.

Trying19 might find this interesting too.

Good luck to both of you.

[Trying19]

Thanks Betternow, this is very helpful

Do you have any links or names of the literature you refer to?

[Betternow]

I will do it tomorrow. Going out tonight. Glad you found some comfort from my post.

stay well.

[Betternow]

Hi Trying19

I don't want to imply that all the answers to life's questions can be found on the internet. Everyone seems to have a slightly different take on what is useful and what is not. From my own experience, I found reading some of the quality literature gave me a deeper understand of human behaviour. This in turn helped me to process what was going on in my own life which was an inability to come to terms that my wife was a serial cheater.

I think it best if you do your own research because I don't want to send you in the wrong direction or overly influence your quest for answers but here are three websites that host blogs written by professionals that may help. Once you are in the website, just type in key words to the search bar and you could spend days reading the literature.

I have used Psychology Today, Mayo Clinic and Infidelity Recovery Institute but you will probably expand your search interests once you start digging.

Good luck.