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So, I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years now , and throughout the second year of our relationship, I have caught him paying for nudes behind my back.

His excuse is always , “that wasn’t me”, or “that was ages ago”. He thinks it doesn’t matter because it didn’t happen on the day I caught him.

even before we started dating I expressed very clearly how I feel about porn in a relationship, and that if he wanted to watch it , that’s fine, but I didn’t want to be put through that.

Regardless of me expressing how I feel about the matter, he still went and did it behind my back. Not once, not twice, heaps of times....

I just can’t get my head around it, as there is so much FREE porn on the internet, so why would anyone go out of their way to PAY for nudes...???? I don’t get it. It’s more personal , and a way bigger deal to me, as I see this as a form of cheating.

i know I should leave him, but I can’t help but think and feel that I’ve wasted 2 years of my life , but throwing it away.

Has anyone else been through something similar/is going through this right now?

I need help 😞

9 Replies 9

Bee1998 - I am so sorry that you feel betrayed by your partner. If you drew the line clearly and he decided to cross it anyway, that is absolutely a violation, whether he agrees with the rules or not; you made it clear and he accepted that.

You said: "i know I should leave him, but I can’t help but think and feel that I’ve wasted 2 years of my life , but throwing it away."

If leaving is what you want to do, the only thing worse than wasting 2 years of your life is wasting 2 years and 1 day of your life. If you are looking for permission to leave; you can leave if that is what you need to do. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have a partner who respects and understands your boundaries.

However, if you do not want to leave - sometimes someone simply is worth fighting for. Only you can decide if that is the case. You are allowed to question whether you can accept him with his issues or not - and if you can, that's not weak or wrong. If you are comfortable, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. If you want to work things out to some kind of common ground - you can try couples counselling.

I hope you are okay.

I haven't been in this situation personally but I can completely understand feeling betrayed and hurt by this. With the frightening amount of pornography on the internet I struggle to comprehend why he is paying for it. That seems strange.

You've made it clear your feelings on pornography in the relationship. I think your expectations are perfectly reasonable too. My ex that I have recently separated from would have in no way tolerated me looking at pornography, even if it was in private. She'd be furious! Personally, it's not my thing, so it wasn't an issue - but what I'm trying to say is that your expectations are not unreasonable at all.

It's a matter of working out if the good things in the relationship are work salvaging. Perhaps seeing a relationship counsellor may be of value?

Take care

Aaron

Hi there,

After reading your post, I could not, not reply. I don't know your situation or your bf personally, but I can say from experience, this type of behaviour can lead to the cheater (partner paying for nudes) (which my husband did), to then actually cheating in real life.

I'm not saying your bf will, but if they think they can get away with paying for porn on the internet, it can lead to the real betrayl. Unless you are 100% clear about your boundaries. But he also needs to respect your boundaries.

again, I'm not saying he will cheat, but just be careful and clear about what you think is appropriate and not appropriate behaviour.

Take care and all the best

I've been in a similar situation where a boyfriend was paying for and watching porn.

When I found out he denied it even when it was obvious. Viruses on computers from dodgy websites eh??

Mostly what did my head in was the levels of deception that he stooped to, and secondly he knew I completely disagreed with porn which I was entitled to do so.

I think you have set your boundary and remember it is your boundary - not his. You now get to decide what you want to do.

I think it's good to remember that you cannot change or control what other people, including bf's do. But you do get to think and decide what you will do.

I think relationships are built on trust and agreements and issues are negotiated so both partners are aware of each other's views. You don't always have to agree but deceiving isn't healthy and leads to the place you now find yourself in.

What do you want to do now? If you took the anger away from your reaction towards your bf - what are your options?

You mentioned the waste of two years if you leave the relationship. May I suggest it's what is happening in your relationship during those two years that is most important.

The only waste that will happen if you decide to continue the relationship without resolving this issue is going to be your sense of worth and probably the trust in the relationship. Can you risk either of these?

I ended the relationship I had because my bf began cheating whilst I was sorting out this very issue with him. It was for the best especially for me. 🙂

I think he had an addiction to online stuff and it spilled over into his real world. I'm not sure if that's common or not. It wasn't a good life for me and I was better off away from all of the deception.

Hope you sort this out,

Cheers

Hi Bee1998,

How are you feeling now?

There are many reasons why someone might do as your partner is doing. Typical reasons aside, it could be used as coping mechanism to escape from stress. Does not necessarily reduce or remove the way you feel about him viewing it. And depending on how long it has been happening, may become an addiction?

Your expectations are reasonable also. His habit can damage the relationship also. I don't watch it but I am fairly certain my wife would be furious also. The way forward is how you deal with the situation - is it able to explain the reason and can you cope with that? It is a very difficult for you.

Hope you can both work it out,

Tim

Hi Bee1998,

Maybe I'm reading your words incorrectly but you seem to be more upset that he is paying for porn when there is so much free porn out there ?

I agree its kinda unusual to pay for it these days and you highlighted that in your post. I do wonder if your point of 'its more personal and a way bigger deal' is whats really hurting you.

That he feels he needs to pay for nudes is something maybe a professional could help you with, they would have an explanation I feel. Not to justify him watching but to explain what the paying for it means possibly. I'd think that if he is paying for nudes of say just one girl compared to a whole website of girls the motivations or feelings behind it would be different.

I'm a guy and so I'll be honest, I watch porn from time to time. My partner doesn't really like it but understands guys. guys are stimulated visually . Not all guys but its pretty common. I don't watch girls in porn and think I want to jump into bed with them, its just stimulating. We have watched porn together a few times but its hard to find good woman friendly stuff for free.

So I paid for some. Eeek.

The reason I did is so when we decide we want to watch some together its straight forward to find it and watch knowing its female friendly erotica. it adds to our sex life.

I know this isn't for every couple and i'm not suggesting you sit and watch with him, just passing on my thoughts and experiences in the hope it helps you.

Thank you littleboots.

Your reply really hit me, and I loved everything you said in response. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this. Thanks again for your advice.

Hi cookiesandcream,

Thank you for your reply. It has really made me think harder about what I should do, and what to watch out for.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Hi ITnErd6,

thanks for your response. Yes, I am more upset that he is paying for porn , instead of watching it for free, but I would prefer neither. What I meant by that is, it is more personal to go out of your way to pay for it. It’s actually quite evil. In regards to overall men watching porn, I find that men are weak in this sense, as they are ‘unable’ to control themselves. I myself occasionally watched porn in the past before I met my current partner, and I was able to stop and cut it out of my life immediately. It’s not a necessity. Also, if you’re having a reasonable amount of sex with your partner , why would you then still feel the need to watch porn? It just says to me that you desire something else out of a woman that your partner can’t give you. It’s very sad.