marriage breakdown and don't know what to do

Lucyinthesky · ‎29-06-2019

Have been married to my husband for 9yrs (together for 17yrs) and we have 2 beautiful young children. But things haven't been good for many years, we have had lots of other challenges along the way (work-related, health, deaths in the family etc) and have stumbled along but now it really feels like there is no future together. It is at the point where we can hardly stand to be in the same room together, there is no intimacy and I hate how he is sometimes with our son, he can be so strict and venomous towards him when he is naughty and it breaks my heart (I am crying as I type this!) There are trust issues too, I don't think he has actually cheated on me but I found messages on his phone related to a hook up site (when I was 7m pregnant with our second child) and a couple of weeks ago found that he had a condom in his wallet; when I confronted him about it he pretty much turned it around on me and said he didnt see why I'd be bothered anyway as we don't have any intimacy anymore. I have told him things cannot go on like this and we are miserable all the time, I have suggested counselling (both as a couple and individually) but he shows no interest. We are in a tricky situation in that we are from overseas and are currently in the process of applying for permanent visas, and have no family (or really close friends) here. Sometimes I wonder if he is just hanging on until our visas are accepted (as it is based on my job rather than him) and then he will leave. I feel so helpless. I cannot bear to think that this is how our lives will be from now on, but with 2 small children and the fact we do not have support around us, cannot see an easy way to separate, especially as I am not in a position to be able to work and look after our children on my own (not that he would want that, he has said he would never want to lose contact with his children). I have found myself looking at accommodation nearby so that maybe we can take it in turns to have space apart, but not sure we can afford this....feel trapped and so low 😞 I feel if we didn't have the kids I would have walked out long ago. Has anyone been through similar or have any advice? Even just typing this out feels like a bit of a relief, so thanks for reading....

Croix · ‎30-06-2019

Dear Lucyinthesky~

Welcome here to the Forum. I was very sorry to read of your situation, sadly thngs do not look hopeful at the moment and the whole thing would be very worrying, stressful and hard to bear. Not having a partner who is loving and helping is really heart-breaking.

The idea he is there just to use you to get a visa is horrible.

Trying to deal with a new country plus all this by yourself and looking after two youngsters is really not on - you do need help, if only to get perspective. When things keep on getting worse it is hard to keep track of how bad they have got.

Do you mind if I suggest 3 things?

First see your GP in a long consultation and explain all that has been happening and how you are feeling. The strain you are under is enormous and it is easy to become exhausted, anxious or depressed as a result. A medical eye on you can't hurt.

While I think of it let me say intimacy does not just happen, it takes feelings of security, love and being cherished for a start -and you do not have those.

Secondly I'd contact Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), who can give you advice -and arrange counseling for you, I think it would help. It may also give you more alternatives and more confidence.

Third I realise your own family is far away, however do you think it possible to be in regular contact? Maybe that might help to have someone to talk frankly with. email, phone or Skype can make people a lot closer.

Come to think of it perhaps it might make your husband more at ease if he could talk to his too. You mentioned the venom in his attitude. Perhaps I'm being over-generous but maybe there is something in his life (no, not you), that is deeply affecting him -what do you think?

As a complete change of pace Lucy In The Sky with Diamonds was written by John Lennon, who said it came after reading Alice in Wonderland - which had a happy ending (please excuse me for rambling on, no disrespect intended).

Croix

EvilVsGood · ‎30-06-2019

Hi Lucyinthesky,

I'm also new here. I joined a few weeks ago and I would almost say that you are my wife because our stories are so close to each other. Only reason why I think you are not is because we already have PR and my wife doesn't work.

I also have 2 kids with my wife. If you look at my other posts you'll get a bit more info on my story. I love my wife and children with all of my heart and I'll do that till the day I die. But she doesn't think I do and what I've been going through the last 2 weeks I wish on no one. We are also from overseas and haven't been here long. I think what my wife did was a bit over the top but if she didn't I think she would have lost her visa and that she wouldn't have any place to stay (she's in some kind of safe-house now, for reasons beyond me to be honest.) We've been together for 13 years and married 4 years.

I know about the strictness because I'm also strict with my children, but I also show them the most love anyone could. As a father, if he's good for the children please don't put him through what I'm going through. It makes you want to go over to the dark side. I'm putting EVERYTING I have inside my to not do this. Speak to him, get him to go for counseling. Try and work it out but do not let it consume you. If he's looking for love somewhere else, then it might be time to speak to a mediator. Let him see you are serious even if you might struggle. If he doesn't come around then, then you know. I wish someone could give this advice to my wife. In order to be a better person (and learning the law of Aus), I'll be doing the Mens behavioral change program. In order to learn better techniques for my children I'm doing the Caring dad's program. Don't try and tell him to do this because he'll just say he doens't need it. I know, I'm that person as well. I had to learn the hard way and its costing me my wife and weeks of missing my children. Rather go to a mediator and suggest it there. Talk openly about it and honestly. I'm sitting here in tears as well wishing I can go back in time to try and fix my relationship but for me, that time has passed and the only way forward it with help of my faith.