Lost myself trying to please husband
Welcome to the forums, we appreciate you posting and we are glad to be a part of your wellbeing journey.
I'm sorry to hear that your partner has been letting you down and overwhelming you for so long- that must be frustrating and isolating. However, I'm happy to hear you are setting boundaries up and communicating with him about you feel- that sounds like a productive step towards the happy and healthy relationship you deserve. Taking back your power and figuring out what you like and want from life with him is a brave thing to do, and make take some time. We can listen to your experiences on this thread, and you can find the community here too. What has been one breakthrough you have had so far, or one thing you have learnt or achieved so far?
We'd love to hear if you like to share!
What you are going through falls into the category of emotional abuse and isn't acceptable.
He has had a hold/ power over you for all these years and I'm so excited you want to take your power back.
You said, " I have unconsciously given my power to someone who is not even worth it." Can I ask, is it really worth staying?
I would assume that it would anger him and ruffle his feathers if you were to assert your own wants and needs against his power/authority.
I'd give 1800 respect a call. ( Domestic violence line) They are trained in this sort of abuse and give excellent advice.
You are worth liberty and freedom from this sort of man. You don't deserve this.
I hope you can let we know what you think and how you go.
Hi Tay100 & Monkey_magic
Thank you for responding. Yes it is frustrating when you have to do things against your will. I was always out to please everyone and put other peoples need before mine. I wanted everyone to be happy with me but now i realise that in pleasing everyone i denied my self a lot of things. To start with I was always keen to study and did my masters after getting married. I was mentally totured during the time i was trying to finish studies. My husband would tell people that he only likes to study things thats relevant. That was a sarcarstic comment but i let it go as i didn't see any point in arguing. There are so many other things that I wanted to do but felt restricted. My mother in law would say things that would make me confused and upset later on but i kept my silence. Now I am slowly being more mindful of what people say and what they mean. One good thing that has happened since i have started setting boundaries is I feel i have space in life. I feel as if i am about to set myself free. All this time i was worried of "what if" question e.g. what if my husband leaves, what if he shames me and so on. Now i feel free of all that. I feel its my life and I can live it the way i want.
You have strength! It sounds like you weren't only getting grief from the husband but from the mother in law as well, a double- whammy.
Congratulations on doing your masters!
You've said a lot of great things in this post which demonstrates self awareness and growth;
* I'm slowly being more mindful of what ppl say and mean
* I've started setting boundaries
* I have space in life
* I'm about to set myself free
It really sounds like you have become stronger and grown a thicker skin, turned a corner.
Off course you can live the way you want!
We are happy to hear that you feel free and unrestricted as you say. What got you there? What are some of the things you did that worked for you? These are the things that can be great to recall in challenging times. We can also support you as you continue your journey 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story. It's one that I think may resonate with many. In an attempt to show love it sounds like you did what you thought (perhaps this was the example you were showed growing up) would also return love. Giving and giving until there is nothing of the 'real' you left. That sounds painful, but you have showed such insight to be aware that this is what happened. That's really brave.
Keep going, keep being true to what you know is right for you. The first person's respect you need is your own. Maybe you choose to try and work through this with your husband or maybe its to leave. Either choice is a powerful one made by you.
Keep going and big hugs.
What got me there is my mindset and my realisation that if i don't respect and look after myself then i am not setting a good example for my daughter. I don't want her to grow up thinking that mental abuse is okay. I want her to stand up for her right and the only way she will learn is by seeing how i respond to such situations. Now when i look back i feel I was so silly and stupid for pleasing everyone else and feeling drained all the time. Some things that are working for me is being able to say no with zero guilt. I used to feel so bad if i said no to someone for something they asked me to do. Now i don't have that guilt feeling and I guess its a change in my mindset. I only say yes to things i have time for and want to do.
Thanks for your message. I appreciate it. Yes i am trying to work it out and I hope my husbands mindset would change soon. I don't blame him for the way he is. It is the way he was brought up. The culture is such that boys are regarded as superior to girls and hence they can do or say anything and get away with it.