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Lost my morals

Mr__Irrational
Community Member

I was raised in a "normal family". Parents married and sibling

Was raised to respect wemon, never cheat, be a family man, honour wedding vows...and never leave.

My last 2 relationships (8yrs and 3yrs) and 3 children failed. I was quite unwell with PTSD and untreated for a long time. My wife leaving early last year really broke me, I was always faithful and loved her, only had eyes for her.

But something has changed in me, now that I realise those values and morals I was raised with don't mean anything, wedding vows and commitment don't mean anything....I have completely changed as a person.

I didn't date or see anyone for 7 months after she left...but now I have dated so many wemon in the last 5 months (seeing one for 3 months) but I've lost that respect for them I've always had. I have slept with so many in such a short period of time, I don't care if I upset them, I haven't cheated "technically", I break up with them, go see another, then go back to them.

I feel disgusting but at the same time I don't care. I don't trust them and expect it to fail...so I just bounce from one to the other.

Loneliness kills me, but these short relationships are also very damaging. I don't believe I'm a sex addict...but something internally has changed and I've become to opposite of what I was raised to be.

I dunno the purpose of this post, maybe just need write down what I'm internalising.

Thanks for reading

11 Replies 11

Hi Mr. Irrational

You write such a heartbreaking post which leads me to feel for you so deeply. Your pain comes through clearly.

I can understand these women's desire to ease your pain but as you've eluded to, they don't fully understand how deep it goes. Offering marriage and children must simply feel like a 'bandaid solution' to you and it's not a bandaid you're after.

While hard to fully imagine, I can basically imagine what it would feel like to lose the 3 key people in my life, my mum, my 15yo son and my 18yo daughter. My mum's 82 by the way, so I am doing my best to prepare myself for losing her in the next handful of years as her health is failing. Just the thought of this is painful and brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I imagine an emptiness that cannot simply be put into words. These 3 people have, in a variety of ways, helped me find the best in myself. Who would I be without them continuing to be in my life?

If I lost one or all of them at once, the grief would demand that I redefine myself without them. How would I love myself without them? How would I find the best in myself without them? How would I come to set the path ahead in life without them leading the way to some degree? They have often been my most trustworthy and inspiring guides or leaders. How would I find trust in myself and inspiration without them? Having been through depression for so many years and having come out of it, I understand that I have no choice but to manage making sense of myself, reforming myself. I cannot do long term depression again. It almost killed me last time. I was lucky to come out of it alive. I cannot go back there, therefor I have no choice. I must discover who I am/identify myself beyond what I've lost.

The last 15 years outside of depression have not been all rainbows and unicorns, so to speak. There have been many potentially depressing challenges scattered throughout, to the point where I felt like I was slipping back into depression. Such deeply fearful times with incredibly dark thoughts/contemplation. It took me years to realise that the most painful times were where a mind altering challenge was involved. The challenge was to alter my mind or remain suffering. There was no choice.

Some of the greatest challenges would have to be 'How do I love myself without others leading me to feel loved or lovable, how do I reform myself without others leading the way and how do I come to know myself when I have no idea who I am at this point?'

l do know where your coming from op.

l use to think women were better but after my marriage broke up and l started to be come familiar with divorced people and the 100s of stories yeah. They've been well and truly off that pedestal 7yrs now and gf's l've had have only added to it. They have to earn my respect now , just like men. l don't like being this way but they've made me this way with proofs unfortunately .

Even with the B@tchings you hear about the ex husbands no , sorry , from what l've seen this last 7yrs l'll hear both sides of the story first thanks. For me , l keep hoping for that woman that will restore my faith in them , but sadly l'm yet to meet her .

lf l was you l'd stay single for a yr or two , live for you and your kids, forget women for awhile. You didn't even give yourself time to grieve and recover , to find yourself again, to figure out what you want and where to from here. l stayed single nearly 4yrs , no way l couldn't gotten involved again any sooner nor did l even want to .

rx