Lost families

[Mo1949]

Over the past few years, thinking that I was on my own with this one, I have spoken with many friends, and more recently men who share the same story. I grew up in a post war era where so may of us believed that if we busted our guts, worked hard, we could provide as much as possible for our kids only to have them reveal that they hate us because we 'weren't there all the time'... probably because we were out working... I worked at least three jobs at one, slept about four hours a night, and was still doing it up until about two years ago. My son hasn't spoken to me for 17 years and my daughter and granddaughter followed suit about 18 months ago. So what psychiatrist/psychologist can ever sort that one out? The sadness and loneliness that comes from total rejection can't be mended by meditation and mindfulness and the children will never forgive the perceived sin of absenteeism, all the while striving to provide.. I mentally send my kids love everyday, try so hard to remember the occasions of joy and love, but as the years go on the loneliness invades and wears the mind and the heart down... I thought it as just single mums, whose ex-husbands always managed to make themselves seem so available and magnanimous by offering support later in life, but none in the younger days, and thus become heroes in the eyes of the 'neglected' children. But recently I have spoken with mature age men who have also been dumped by their kids because their contribution was never appreciated. No-one wins. How sad it all is. How incredibly unnecessary....

[marietherese]

It sounds to me as if you have missed a lot of time with your family and they didn't feel that you loved them. Me and my 3 brothers were estranged from our father because he never conveyed his love to us. Yes he supported us until I was 15 but after that I'm left with all the bad memories of his tempers and humiliation. If he had tried to make amends I would have met him part way.

[Homebound]

I read your post yesterday, didn't know if what I had to say would help, but, I was drawn to your title ' Lost families'. I come from a broken home, domestic violence etc. My mum had depression, always spoke of suicide, was killed when I was 21 ; my brother had emotional issues, was violent, drug abuser and in and out of jail growing up ; my older sister physically and emotionally abused myself ( I'm youngest) and our middle sister; middle sister is broken mentally. I have no contact with my siblings, too abusive and toxic. Hence why I was drawn to your title, I've lost the people I once cherished and loved, but now have to keep distance for my own healing.

First, can I say, my whole life I wished my father would care the way you clearly do for your kids. I would reach out to him, but was rejected each time. It broke my young spirit as a child. I wondered, why does my father hate me? I still held onto the fantasy that, one day, I would go to his house and he would finally be open to receive my love, like a lifetime movie, he would hug me and tell me he loved me.

At about 34, I heard he had died, and I spiralled into a deeper depression than ever. My dream/ fantasy lost for good. I still struggle with accepting that, for whatever the reason, my father could not show me love, I took it to mean I was bad and unloveable. I will never know why he turned his back on me, but I can't keep blaming myself. I send him love in prayers and maybe I might meet him again on the other side. I really feel your pain, so I just want you to know, you are not alone in your grief and sadness regarding our lost families.