Losing relationships

[Missberri]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is that much of a problem but it's been effecting me a lot lately so I wanted to get some advice. Lately I feel like I've been very alone.. and I dont know how it's making me feel. I've been studying at uni and working so much and it's been keeping me so busy that I haven't even noticed that I just haven't been spending any time with anyone lately. I'm starting to feel kind of miserable.. like I'm just working and studying then working then studying it's like i have almost no enjoyment in my life. I used to be really really close with a few of my friends. Recently, my closest friend left to go to Pakistan and get married and I have no idea when he's coming back and honestly I'll probably never see him again because we both loved each other but it can obviously never go anywhere. Aaand that makes me feel pretty upset.. He hasn't been in contact with me much for the past few months since he knew he was going to get married and he hasn't contacted me at all since he left. It's just been really difficult not having him to talk to anymore..

A few of my other friends I feel are starting to pull away from me too.. which really sucks. I have one friend who I used to see all the time and he always used to text and call me, but lately he just hasn't really bothered. I didn't talk to him for about 2 weeks thinking he went out of the state to visit his family to find out he was here the entire time! He never even told me he came back! He just told me hes been so busy that he didn't tell me.. And it sucks because i thought i was starting to get feelings for him and now it feels like he doesn't even care. A few of my other friends I feel have been acting this way towards me as well and I dont know what to do about it. I feel as if I'm just boring now because all i do is work and study and they dont want to be around me.. I'm starting to feel anxious now whenever I'm around them because I feel like I'm not being entertaining enough and im just messing the friendships up even more.. It's just making me feel really down and really empty and not like myself.. I just wish I knew how to tell if any of them still care about me and if there's anything i can do to fix things because I dont want to keep losing people

I know it all sounds really stupid but i just dont want to lose people i care about and i really dont know what to do 😕

[james1]

Hey missberri

Relationships and friendships are so difficult to navigate yet so important to our mental wellbeing, so it's no surprise all this turmoil is causing you a lot of distress.

I'm 24 and I've had similar experiences where I've been really caught up in study and work (which ended up meaning a 4 year relationship came to an end when I felt really insecure in it because I felt boring), and having all my friends move interstate or overseas.

I think if you're worried about how your friends see you, maybe start with your closer friends first and let them know how you're feeling. Before that, it might be a good idea to think about what you want from them. It's not being greedy or needy, you're simply making sure that they don't misinterpret anything you say or do, but also letting them know how they can help best because, as friends, they will want to help.

It's going to take time to build your confidence again but when we're feeling lonely, even a little bit of social interaction can be nice even though it's the thing we fear most. I'd also suggest trying to make light conversation with people at the counter when you go buy groceries or coffee. Every little bit can help.

If you feel yourself getting worse or unable to cope, don't forget there are also the support lines (BeyondBlue is 1300 22 4636) who can help and talk through how you feel. You can also talk to your GP and see if they have any suggestions.

Do you mind if I ask what kind of hobbies you do or did enjoy? There are lots of meet up groups which can be a nice way to do something you enjoy and meet new people at the same time. E.g. I've been to a board games meet up which was fun. I just went to play board games and figured if I found any people I could be friends with there, I could try to strike up a conversation and message them afterwards.

James

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Missberri,

Thanks for posting and sharing what's going on for you. I think if whatever it is is affecting you then it's worth bringing up - even if you don't think it's much of a problem 🙂

I can definitely relate to the feeling of friends pulling away and it's very hard. I've had this a lot as friends have either gotten married, busier in their careers or just caught up in their own lives. It can be a really bittersweet pill to swallow because even though I was happy for them I wasn't really sure what it meant and where our friendship stood.

I think a lot of friendships drift to and fro as things happen in their own lives; maybe they're busier at work or caught up with their own things and they just forget to stay in touch. Have you tried chatting with your friends who you feel are pulling away? They may not even notice that it's happening.

I'm sure that you're not boring to talk to - in fact not long ago I was not working or studying and felt that my life was too boring! So just because you might be working and studying doesn't make life boring; I'm sure that there are lots of interesting things you could pull from what you've learned or what happened at work (or even shows on TV). Being interesting isn't about what we do or don't do.

[Missberri]

Sorry for replying to this so late but I really appreciate your responses and hearing your experiences as well it's good to know there are people out there who've been in the same boat it's so helpful to hear about. I think I need to get more into board games too they're so fun and silly lol I'll definitely take on your ideas I'm still struggling with these problems so it's really great you guys gave me such good ideas..

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Missberri,

Welcome back and thanks for jumping on here again.

I'm really glad that we were able to help. Board games sounds like a lot of fun; which ones do you like to play?

Feel free to post as much or as little as you like. We'll be here.

[Holly_Golightly]

Hi Missberri. I have personally never posted on this site but have been navigating people's posts here to find something to relate to, and your issue struck a chord with me as I am currently in a very similar position, having friends that have recently moved away, and also have turned their backs on me.

Something that has helped me tremendously with this issue has been speaking with a psychologist, which allowed me to vent about my issues and have some closure around my lost friendships.

I then started to put myself out there a bit more at work, striking up conversations with colleagues and taking opportunities to hang out with them outside of work (I work and study too, and this is how I also spend most of my time so I relate to this aspect in your comment also). These are the people I spend most of my time with so I figured I better make the time that I spend with them interesting and fun where possible.

After building this comfort, I started organising catch-ups outside of work, we now all attend a locals trivia night at a nearby bar, and we have a few drinks and games of pool, which builds our relationships even more.

I don't know if this will be of any help to you also but I recently watched a Ted Talk on Sarah Knight's self-help book 'The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F***', and I keep her key messages in mind to remain engaged in only activities that I find beneficial to my social/emotional wellbeing.

I hope this can help you in any way.

[Missberri]

Hi Holly thanks a lot for your input that actually really does help! Sorry for responding a bit late I haven't logged in since my last post, but you're definitely right I do need to put myself out there a lot more and don't need to care so much about what others think of me or rely on my friends too much. I think I should start seeing a counselor again as well so I can talk about these things, but I think I do need to try harder at making things better for myself as well even if it can be tough sometimes.

but yeah I do really appreciate the response and it's good to know that someones gone through the same thing and had some positivity come out of it so thanks a lot for sharing that with me! 🙂