Loosing my mind

[Lady_Bug]

This is my first time doing this.

About a month or so ago my partner of 3 years and father to our 1 year old daughter decided he wasn't in love with me anymore and left.

Our relationship wasn't perfect (arguments, fights) but I thought that while ever we were together we could work it out. He doesn't communicate well and has held a lot of things in.

My dad had an accident at Xmas last year so we have been staying with him to help him heal (not an ideal situation I know) dad has mostly healed and I know we should have left months ago but I panicked everytime I thought we would, since then I have been diagnosed with ptsd.

He tells me that he feels anxiety around me and has for some time.

I am absolutely devastated and just don't know what to do anymore.

I desperately want to work things out with him. But since he left he has been nothing but hostile and mean.

Is there any hope for us?

Is there any hope for me?

I cry all the time (not like me) the pain is unbearable. I don't know what to do. I love him so much.

[BballJ]

Hi Lady Bug,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. I am sorry to read about your break up, they are never easy in the best of circumstances.

I just want to start by touching on the PTSD, I understand this may have been diagnosed but was it ever treated as well? mental health in families is always tough and can test the best of marriages. Until we fully understand our mental battles, it is hard to make sense of some things.

I know you said he is being very hostile and mean but are you just trying to talk to him, has there been any half decent conversations? I know you love him and want to fix this which may just need time to do so. Perhaps marriage counselling may be an option?

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[Guest_1584]

Hi ya ladybug.

So sorry about your situation , suffered a similar fate 5yrs ago from now ex w, not that l'm suggestion that's where your sitch will end up , l truly don't know sorry.

Maybe with some space and time apart he'll catch his breath in it all and come around .

Sorry also that l have no experience with ptsd and the partners of it so l'm just here for support but l know many here will have and can hopefully be of more help and support .

But of course there's hope for you , things will get better , and who knows , maybe h even comes to his senses once he's had a break.

You hang in there ok, others will be along to help.

[Lady_Bug]

Hi Jay,

I am seeing a Psychotherapist / Counsellor once a week to work through the ptsd and stress. She is helpful on the days I'm there but it's all the other days in between that I struggle with. I can't seem to turn my brain off.

I have tried to talk to him while keeping my emotions I check.

He is not open to reconcilliation at this point, he is seeing a counsellor of his own but does not want to do anything together. When we spoke he brought up things that happened 2 years ago that I thought we had moved on from. There has been nothing major go on (no cheating) or anything just disagreements and such but he can't seem to let them go...

Thanks for replying

[Lady_Bug]

With my Psychotherapist/Counsellor we have been doing deep breathing (which I do at home,work bloody everywhere) we have also been doing tremoring and going through the comfort zone, stress zone, coping zone.. Apparently I've been living in the coping zone for a long time.

She also suggested that I take walks in my break times at work to help lower my stress levels and that seems to be going OK.

It's just so hard because I can't understand why he's being the way he is. It was his decision to leave yet he is being hostile. It's doing my head in.

Sorry for sounding whingey.

[geoff]

hello Lady Bug, I know what it feels like when our spouse walks out, it's happened many times with me and no time is a good time, it's just as painful.
Sometimes there is no real explanation why this happens, although you will be thinking about all the 'what if' or 'how come' but you're only answering yourself so the situation just gets more confusing.
Can I suggest that the two of you keep having your counselling sessions and if he isn't helping you by his remarks, then you are only hurting yourself by contacting him, I know that this is going to upset you, but let him get the help he needs.
By all means, contact him if your 1 year old daughter wants to see him once a week, but the pressure you are under working, looking after her is enormous, so at the moment you have to look after yourself and your daughter first of all, I know that it's not easy for you. Geoff.

[BballJ]

Hi Lady Bug,

It is good you are seeking help and I understand the feeling of when you are not with the therapist it makes it hard but I think with continued sessions and working on the techniques they give you to help you through those times will help. These forums are a good resource as well during those down time just to have people to speak to.

I wish I had a good response as to why your husband is acting this way, I don't as this is something that only he could truly answer. It is however good that he is seeking help himself and hopefully that will in turn lead to him talking to you without hostility as well.

My best,

Jay

[Lady_Bug]

I tried talking to him again today. I have been researching and reading about anxiety (his) and ptsd (mine) to see if he thought that his anxiety had effected our relationship. He just said that he's only anxious around me (not true) I gave him a few examples of other things he has been anxious about and he just continues to blame me for it.

I am trying to own my responsibility in the part i have played in this breakdown but he is just hell bent that it's all my fault. I don't understand it...

Was I in this on my own the whole time?

I'm trying to keep my emotions in check for our daughter but I am seriously struggling...

I hate this.

[BballJ]

Hi Lady Bug,

I think at this stage, a little bit of space may be required for you both, if you keep talking to each other, it creates this hostility which you are feeling now and he is blaming you for everything, which makes you just feel worse and less in control of your own emotions. You need to almost work on yourselves first and then try to fix things up. It sounds a little full on and hard but until you're both in a good mental state with yourselves it is hard to let someone else in or back in, in your case.

I do not think you were in it on your own the whole time, more that as time as gone on, you have slowly drifted apart, I do hope for you sake it can be mended and come back together.

My best,

Jay

[notsorosey]

Hi Lady Bug,

I am so sorry you are going through this and I totally understand as I am in the exact same situation. My partner after over a decade has decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship or compromise for anyone anymore. At first he was pretty apologetic and now you would have thought I was the one who called it off and done terrible things. I desperately wanted us to stay together and get help but he refused and he is making things so much harder with the nasty words and actions and blame.

He's turned into someone I don't recognise and recently realised he is not the man I love. I, like you, have to see him on a regular basis and each time it sends me backwards so I am now very much limiting our communication. He said he wanted to be friends but he has a sure funny way of showing it.

I'm really not in a position to offer advise as I am very much struggling myself but wanted you to know you aren't alone. That has helped me. My x refuses to seek any type of help but I'm glad yours is. Hopefully , and I know how irritating it is to hear, in time he will figure out that the selfish game isn't the best way to live and, with his counselling, stop being so nasty especially for your daughter. I've been told that the nasty, aggressive and blaming mentality both our x's are showing can be a coping mechanism for them to deal with the hurt they are feeling but also causing us. It's a way of feeling less guilty by blaming us for things we haven't done.

My future doesn't look like it is going to include my x but I'm sending out positive vibes that with some time and counselling for you both that he will realise what he has let go and reach out to you. Hopefully for him you will be able to forgive and trust him again. For the time being remember that you are worth more than his hostile words and actions, you deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you and you do not deserve his blame. That is his to wear.

Now to take my own advise.

Sending out positive vibes.