Long-time ROCD

[wanderlust95]

Hi, this is my first post on a forum like this, and its very stressful for me, but I have had this issue for a really long time now and just want to talk to people that can really relate with me on it.

I've been with my partner for two years, and for about a year now I have had intense worries, which I think I have finally identified to be ROCD. For a year now I've been obsessing over what is wrong with me, or what was wrong with my partner, or what was wrong with our relationship. I really, really love this person - but there are always thoughts coming back to me, such as; "what if you don't really", "what if your lying to yourself", "what if he isn't who your 'supposed' to be with" and so on. I have worried that maybe I'm just too young for a relationship (I'm 22), what if we are just totally wrong for each other (which utterly crushes me) and what if I'm messing up both of our lives.

Through all of this, I just cannot let him or it go. When I reflect on the relationship it is actually so easy, we barely ever argue, we have a lot of fun together - but there are always these nagging thoughts in the back of my mind. It leaves me feeling so empty and like I just want to quit everything and just sit at home and do nothing for as long as possible. Its really difficult. Because this has gone on for so long without anyone to relate to, I have kind of had to learn how to just get on with it. So in saying that, some days are quite good, and I feel happy and super in love and all the rest. But theres always worries and that thought of "when will this happy period end?", and it goes back downhill.

I also regularly find myself taking out all my anger on him because Im just so stressed and worried about us, I just want to know that this is the right thing to do and that we are going to last. I'm so worried that we will break up or we wont, we will get married and Ill be constantly worried that we will be divorced. My parents are divorced that its a nightmare to go through that when your young and I don't want that to all happen again. So i get very stressed about everything these days and I take it out on him. I don't mean to but it just happens, I get so frustrated and scared and I just can't help it.

I just want someone to related to, to know that its not just my relationship thats wrong, its just ROCD and that I'm not the only one thats experienced this.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi wanderlust and welcome to the forums! ROCD is something that a lot of people experience, so don't worry, you are definitely not alone. That being said it's a form of OCD that should probably be treated by a doctor/psychologist - would you consider talking to your GP about how you're feeling? It sounds like deep down you're happy in this relationship but you're just very stressed about the future and what's going to happen. You really deserve to be free of that feeling. I think speaking to a psychologist who can help you with what could be OCD and also dealing with your feelings towards your relationship might really help. Here is a post as well made on the beyond blue website regarding ROCD: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/anxiety-rocd (Just to show you you're not alone). Sending love.

[wanderlust95]

Hi, thank you for replying to my post. This really helps. I am currently seeing a psychologist and have been on and off throughout the year. There is a lot of mindfulness talk and I do like mindfulness but theres just no end to the thoughts. But there are good days when I see things very clearly so I know that I can do it, some days just feel like nothing ever works out for me. Anxiety is something I've battled my whole life so this ROCD thing is probably comes a little bit from never dealing with it (I only really started attending to the issues last year).

Anyway, thank you for your reply and for referring me to the other forum post. It really helps when people give their perspectives, makes me feel like I'm not just doing everything wrong. Thanks again 🙂