Long term intimacy issues

[T45h]

Hi folks 👋🏻

I’m not too sure where to start this. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years & since I had some surgery approximately 6 years ago I have lost all interest in any sort of intimacy. The thought of it doesn’t even cross my mind. This of course impacts on my marriage & Im not too sure where I should start looking to seek help.

Ive had a ‘perfect storm’ culminating with work/home/health & i believe I’m now at a point where my mild anxiety is spiralling into more severe, I feel no enjoyment, I cry for no reason (& im generally a very unemotional person) & I’ve tried the conventional activities with my husband to try & reinvigorate the spark to no avail.

Have others found couples therapy or sec therapy has helped? I’m so embarrassed & ashamed about all of this & I don’t know where else to turn to.

thanks for taking the time to read this.

T

[IsaJett]

Hi t45

welcome to this forum ...I have not gone through similar things so I can’t really say anything too useful here ..but all I know is that there is nothing you should be ashamed of or embarrassed about . You had surgery and even if you didn’t ...it is totally understandable that things are changing and different but I am positive there will be ways to counteract it .

Do you talk to your husband about how you feeling ? I think it’s important to let him know so you can confide in him .i think between you and him ..you can try some intimacy exercises readily available on internet ...Hahaha it does not have to be awkward ..just introduce some humor in it . That’s how I would do it if it occurred to me .i hope it helps you

My thoughts are with you and I know that awareness of the situation is actually half the battle won ...so I trust that and things will progress nicely and you should believe that too

[geoff]

Hello T, please feel welcomed to post on these forums, and I am sorry that you have had to have surgery, it's never pleasant at any time.

Couples counselling therapy can be very beneficial for some couples depending on the situation and I realise that talking about intimacy maybe difficult for you and really suggest that you have counselling on your own first of all and maybe joint therapy after this.

Your anxiety is normally combined with depression, it's just that at any particular time one is worse than the other so trying any conventional activities as much as you want, isn't going to stimulate you, because when my family tried doing this to me in various ways, it didn't change how I felt, because I still had depression.

What you have been through is something that is caused by a combination of both mental and physical issues and you can't be expected to overcome this until you get the help you need.

Please contact your doctor would be my suggestion, you need to get the help to make yourself better, and if they refer you onto a psychologist ask about the mental health plan, this is where you are entitled to10 Medicare rebates.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

[Burdy]

Hi T and a warm welcome to the forums,

I wish I could give you some answers but unfortunately I am in the same boat as you, so you are not alone.

I love my husband very much and we have a happy and supportive relationship but I just have no interest in intimacy and I really don't know why?

I know he gets frustrated and I feel horrible for him but at the same time I'm not comfortable making myself do something I'm really not interested in as i know it will only make me feel worse after (kind of feel used and he feels I'm not into it so makes the experience kind of crap for him too).

I wish I had some answers too. But I just wanted to welcome you to the forums and let you know you are not alone. Maybe we can (pardon the pun) nut this out together with help from others, as isajett said recognizing and talking about it is half the battle.

Burdy

[IsaJett]

Hi burdy and t45

I think for your husbands they might be rather clueless on what they should do ..they might be like deer in headlights ...hahah and I know you guys mentioned you have zero need for intimacy ...which is fine . This is my story that I thought I share and I hope it helps you both .

my Ex now ...was withdrawing from me badly ..he travelled lots and when he return ..u think ..he want to ...you know what ...but no..he wasn’t even remotely interested .

after maybe a year and a bit ..it did my head in ...so I tried stuff to introduce intimacy but I felt like crap ..when I would try and be all adbventurous and he would push me away ...or not eat the cake so to speak .maybe once or twice he ate the cake .....so turns out he was having an affair ...so most my efforts were in vain .. . But god knows I tried ...hahaha

so I know for a fact that if there is a will on both your ends ..it definelty can be done ...I know there are medical procedures etc and that get complicated ..but even if it’s to hold each other .. It sounds like your husbands are both supportive and they would appreciate it if you guys told them what to do ...hahah

good luck with it ..I hope you guys find a way through ..you can just take little steps ..stay positive

hope to hear back from you guys

[Croix]

Dear T~

Welcome. Leaving intimacy to one side for the moment having had a perfect storm of "work/home/health" makes a huge difference to one's thoughts and behavior, and often leads to an increase in anxiety or similar that may need professional help. My own anxiety condition simply got worse until I had the correct support.

With intimacy there are an awful lot of expectations put on us by society, TV, movies, ads, all the rest, which emphasize it as a "good thing", enjoyable, engenders relationships, happens frequently and all the rest. Well that may be partly right however it does not mean one cannot have a deep and loving relationship without it.

Can I suggest, like Geoff, that you see if there are matters influencing your feelings, from straight medical problems thought to a metal condition such as anxiety, and see if they can be addressed first.

OK, apart from that intimacy is s surprisingly delicate thing, and for many one can be put off by matters that others do not give a thought to, from body image to unhappiness with one's partner. I'm not saying either is the case here, I would not know, however it is something to bear in mind.

One thing I suspect, if you have not talked about this with your partner it may well be misinterpreted as lack of affection or some other problem relating to himself. Have you been able to discuss the matter openly?

You are welcome to talk here as much as you would like, already you can see you are not alone.

Croix

[T45h]

Thank you all so far for your responses.

& Happy New Year!

We have spoken at length about the intimacy issue, he knows it is not because of him, however I am struggling to be able to articulate what it is driving (or rather lack of) it. Especially for such a long period of time.

I’m scared to speak to my GP, I’m worried their response may be that they don’t believe there is anything ‘wrong’ (for lack of a better term) with me that warrants needing to see someone under a Mental Health Care Plan.

I’m feeling so overwhelmed by all of the things going on in my life currently & I don’t know where or how to start.

I know I can’t ignore it or pretend it’s not there because that doesn’t solve it either.

[Guest_1055]

So sorry. You do sound overwhelmed and this issue with hubby I am guessing adds to the pile.

I am not sure what surgery you had. But is it possible it may have affected your hormones in some way. They work so delicate in us and they can get out of balance.

Also even the overwhelmed feeling can affect us women in a physical way. Think stress from overwhelmed feelings makes it harder to relax. Raises cortisol levels etc.

When I get overwhelmed it is hard. It feels like a giant snowball and feels so so heavy. What has helped me at times is write a list of things that are overwhelming me. Do you think that may help you or have you tried it?

Then you can slowly eliminate the things you have control of to elivate that particular stress. Just little steps is all. Eg. I found not making my bed caused me stress . It just sort of cluttered my brain or something. Looking at a freshly made bed each day relaxed me. Maybe you have something similar in your life?

Also have you heard of “ happy hormones” or maca powder?

[Croix]

Dear T45h~

I can understand how you are not seeing a doctor, it may well seem to you to be a risk -as you say there is a possibility the doctor will find nothing wrong

However

I'd say that possibility is next to nil.

You said "I’m now at a point where my mild anxiety is spiralling into more severe, I feel no enjoyment, I cry for no reason". That in itself warrants investigation and probably some sort of treatment. Add to that persistent loss of libido and I think any competent GP will wish to look a lot further, and a MH Plan is a hte logical way to do that.

With anxiety normal everyday actions seem to become loaded with risk and become threats, so one tend not to do them. It is a symptom of the illness, and getting a sense of proportion is very hard. At times I still have to rely upon my partner for that.

I would think to get your life to a more manageable and enjoyable state is worth doing for its own sake and the question of intimacy may in fact be helped by doing so.

If you think that talking about everything face to face might be too hard, try doing as I have and taking a couple of days to write down how you are and your feelings. It does not need to be all that long, I used point form. It goes over well and one ends up just answering questions rather than trying to explain from scratch.

As Shelly Anne says doing things in small stages make things more manageable - and more possible

Croix