Lonely after separation

[Biz_Koot]

Hi,

I was with my husband for 19 yrs, and recently left him. I have tried for so many years to make it work. We have 2 wonderful boys, 13 and 15 yrs. I have tried to make it easy for him, he keeps the house and doesn't have to do anything, while I have to work full time and juggle the kids half time and worry about money. He is fully retired on a lifetime pension and I am 15 yrs younger and working. He is a difficult individual, a man you can't easily get close to, easy to anger. He is extremely critical of me and our kids, nothing is ever right for him when it comes to me. He drinks alcohol every night and after a few wines can't stop talking about himself and never really wants us to reply, just listen to him go on and on. I was so sick of his critical nature, I tried to please him for so many years, but eventually I could see there was nothing left. 2 yrs ago he told me that our assets (which are in his name) would be willed to us 30% each, so he was treating me like one of our kids. There was no acknowledgement of my contribution to the relationship, he feels that everything is his. It made me realise that this was not a 'couple' relationship and that although he did many things for me, and professed that his family was everything to him, it was really about him. 

Now, although our relationship was bad, being alone is worse. I realise that I had not factored in the aloneness I would feel. I have lost all my connections, my home and my kids 50% of the time. I grieve for what the relationship should have been, and sometimes I grieve for those brief times when we had some happiness. Can anyone tell me when this gets better, it has been 2 months and I am crying every day at the moment. I have some good friends and family, and a good job, but I don't know what to do. Should I go back and put up with the misery, or stick it out in my flat and try and pick up the pieces somehow?

[white knight]

Hi Biz koot, A very warm welcome here to BB forums,

When I grieved for my ex girlfriend once another friend told me that if I went back to her for 2 weeks....I'd recall the misery I had with her. It would flow back. The same friend told me- "never go backwards". Nevertheless I dont know you both.

Bare in mind also, your boys arent far from car license age  and in a blink of an eye the restrictions of them staying with one or the other parent will pass.

Finally you have to give yourself time. Time to grieve for what has been lost. Regardless of your relationship breaking down there is grief and depending on the person this can take a long time to heal.

Separation can be so draining. One loses their home, neighbours, full time parenthood, family, inlaws, etc etc even your pets sometimes. It can be crippling. Starting a new life isnt easy. But every week if you seek out a group like a sewing group or sporting group, dancing group? you will soon fill up you calendar before you know it.

Just a note, I was where you are now- 5 years ago. Asked my best friend (Lady) to my home for some homemade soup. She'd never seen my home. 25 years earlier I was best man at her wedding. She'd married my ex brother in law. I'd matchmade her to him. We didnt finish our soup. We'd found love again. Life can turn around on a dime. Have some faith and give your new life a chance. Just my views from what you've said.

Repost here anytime. Read other threads. We are listening.  Take care.

[geoff]

dear Big Koot, thanks for coming to the site and would like to offer you a warm welcome.

I am pleased that Tony ( WK ) has replied back to you, as it's been 2 days since you posted your comment, and can I say that posts do get lost in the system because if there are many people posting means that your comment is pushed onto page 2 or maybe page 3, so what this means is that someone has to go looking for unanswered comments.

There is always a great problem when a person just goes on with 'me me' and nothing else, and have no consideration for anybody else, it becomes boring and monotonous, because they only care about themself.

You have built up the courage to leave him, and personally there is no point in going back to him, it would only become worse, because he would think that he is the dominant one.

I agree with Tony that your kids will soon be able to leave, but I know that living by yourself at first is never pleasant, but now I have been single for 10 odd years, and now realise that I couldn't live with anybody now, but I have friends who I see, and my days are always kept been busy, although I don't work, but live happily with my little dog, so maybe you could get a dog or a cat that's always there when you come home at night, they are great company that can fill the lonely spots you may have at nights and on the w/ends.

You can put in a doggie door which are cheap to buy so that if you do want a dog it can come in and out by itself. L Geoff. x

[sommerso]

Hi,

Interesting to read your post. i am sitting here Sunday night feeling the same. Sometimes i also feel like what is the point there is no future. i live n a small town which makes things even more difficult. I have joined a fitness group and am occupied on Monday and Wednesday evenings, but like you it just does not seem the same. My x wife also wants to get back with me but when I think about things then i realize it will just be the same again (she cheated on me twice..full on)....Not sure what to do but I am trying to to get out, but have met no one yet and thinking will I ever. Self esteem also took a major blow...big time... I think we should maybe both just keep on going. My motto now is KEEP THINGS UNCOMPLICATED AND ONE DAY AT A TIME. Apparently it can take years to get back on track. Anyway just to let you now you are not alone.