Loneliness is a cloak you wear

[Revolution_Rock]

I accidentally fell in love a couple of years ago.
I’d ended a 20 year marriage that brought me to my knees, battled an anxiety disorder (still), lost loved ones and wore my troubles around an expanding waistline. After years of rising and falling I got myself to a position where I was ready to try dating. Nothing serious as the emotional scars from a toxic marriage were deep and I wasn’t inclined to rush into a situation I’d regret. Instead, I hoped for light, joyful experiences. How naive.

When I met him I didn’t know the NSA or FWB rules and with little dating experience I just let things unfold naturally. My only thought was not to hurt him as I sensed something deep and fragile within him. It wasn’t a conventional relationship, we lived our own lives and spent exquisite pockets of time together when the planets aligned. It suited us both and I felt drawn into a deeper and closer connection. I say ‘drawn’ because I responded to his levels of affection and intimacy and marked the changes. And then one day I realised with shock that I’d fallen in love with him.
Of course there were shadows or I wouldn’t be here. He had bouts of depression, withdrew for periods, ended it, returned, ended it again. And after many months of no contact we saw each other again only for him to end it.
I accept that he doesn’t want me in his life. I accept that men and women have different emotional responses to intimacy. I accept that all the open arms in the world mean nothing if a person won’t embrace them. All of these things I rationally understand. But I’m crippled with grief and I can’t think about him without crying. And I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m struggling to come to terms with never seeing him again. I can’t drive on the main road that leads to his house because it overwhelms me with sadness. I’ve never known such loneliness as losing in love. I try to hold my thoughts because my friends have endured the stops and starts and are probably sick of hearing about it. I push the pain down so I can function at work and around people. I thought of the last moments I saw him while I was at the checkout in the supermarket and started crying. Never been so relieved for masks! I know that time heals wounds and the grief will lessen…but what if it doesn’t? Im so afraid that I will be one of those people who carry this all their life and I’m afraid that the last man I will ever love is one who didn’t love me.

[PamelaR]

Hi Revolution Rock

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I just wonder, have you seen anyone, e.g. health professional about how you are feeling? This can be done by getting a mental health plan through a GP. If you're interested, then perhaps think about making an extra long appointment with your GP to have one done. No pressure though if you're not interested. It's just a thought since you are sounding a little low. Alternative is to contact one of the support services that are available, e.g.

Beyond Blue Support Service1300224636 or www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Lifeline 131114 or www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/Crisis-chat

Hope some of this helps.

[Revolution_Rock]

Hi Pamela,

Thank you for your suggestions, they are very helpful. I've thought about it but not there yet. Just the thought of calling and speaking to someone makes me cry and I think that I won't be able to talk. I know that I couldn't see a GP either. The dumping was only a couple of weeks ago and I'm processing it. For me, writing about it and seeking support was best because I can articulate how I feel regardless of whether I'm bawling or not. I've started taking St John's Wort which is a natural anti-depressant and I'm forcing myself to go for walks as I really have no interest in doing anything. I'm in an emotional rough patch but once I get through it a bit and feel a bit more in control I will think about seeing a Dr or maybe a counsellor. Thank you for your advice 🙂 RR

[Jhc]

Hi Revolution Rock

I haven’t posted on here for a while but reading your descriptions of loss and grief for your relationship resonated with me, as it’s as if you were in my mind after my relationship breakup which happened just over a year and a half ago. I did many of the things you did, the FB stalking, the watching videos of him, hearing his name spoken hurt, hearing people talking about similar jobs to what he did hurt. It was unbearable to me to realise that he did not love me as I loved him. It broke me, then COVID and long lonely lockdowns happened, and it was the worst year of my life. Somehow I got through it. I also got a mental health plan and saw a good psychologist. I am still sad, I still miss him and think about him everyday. But I no longer cry everyday and I try to find positives in small things. I comfort myself in the saying...it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. I doubt that I will love again and I guess I have finally accepted that it is over. I know this probably isn’t very uplifting, but I just wanted to say I understand the pain you are feeling, as I have been there. And it does get easier as more time passes. Hang in there.