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Leaving husband while depressed

BeforeCare
Community Member
This year I was bullied at work, I tried to make a stand and stick up formyself, not tolerating that and it backfired for me where I was forced (paid) out of a job that I had spent our life savings moving for. I'm taking antidepressants, antianxiety meds and have gained weight.I have finally found myselfand am getting my priorities in order.
Things weren't perfect before. My husband is a moody, angry person. He hates his job and wants to change careers but has been unsuccessful. He's got expensive hobbies and was blaming me for being too controlling (ie paying the bills) with our income.

He is in most, a good father.I've been part of his family for half my life and breaking our marriage would be devastating. Our move away ultimately failed and he wants to go back. I don't. We would just go back to the same rut we were stuck in.

Last night we fought again, it's happening more frequently, I try to just ignore his fight picking. He continues to bring up finances and lay blame for our choices and losses. He has opened another bank account for himself and has stopped paying bills. My wage pays for all the bills but I have had to apply for hardship. I withdrew my super to help us and he withdrew his and has just kept it.

I don't care leaving with nothing (financially) he always brings up how he has worked his whole life. I just cant up and leave, I would dread to see our children left in only his guidance. He tells innapropriate jokes and influences them, he is already discrediting me. He calls me lazy. Says I should've fought harder to keep (the toxic job). Our children can feel the tension

We've had marriage counselling years ago where everything was swept under the carpet. He refused to have counselling again. He says he was picked on during it and didn't benefit. I agree, he didn't change, I just became tolerant.
I feel much happier when he is away.
I don't sleep well with him and the thought of obligatory sex makes me cringe.
We have had happy times together and I will miss those (often when we are both drunk)
I am completely miserable, and waking up every day to him is exhausting.
He has said before he will take me to court and tell everyone I am a mentally unstable mother.

I feel so trapped. I've considered dying, in an accident so there's no stigma, no fights, no guilt and Id be remebered nicely, i wouldnt be that horrible woman that broke up an "ideal loving family"the only thing keeping me here is the thought of my children only having him


4 Replies 4

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi BeforeCare,

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here today. We're sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment but we want you to know our wonderful, welcoming forums community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We aslo want to let you know that the qualified mental health professionals at our support service are available to provide you with support, advice, some counselling and referrals appropriate to your circumstances and location. You can call them anytime 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or email (replies within 24 hours) or chat online through webchat (3pm-midnight AEST) via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support.

Please keep checking in with us here whenever you feel up to it.

Guest909
Community Member

Hi

Your home situation sounds terrible. Unfortunately, financial abuse just make things that much worse.

I would suggest that you speak with one of the counsellors here at Beyond Blue. If necessary, they will direct you to the help that you need to sort through your personal and home problems.

Please do not make any rash decisions. Take the time to think through exactly what you want or need. Ignore the threats about court and your parenting ability. In the bigger picture, those threats will amount to nought.

Have you considered, moving out of the house and spending some time with family. If possible, that will give you the space you need to think through the issues. Once you are in a better head space, you can tackle the other problems.

Just a few suggestions that you might not have thought about.

emb777
Community Member

Dear BeforeCare,

I sympathise with you completely. You are not alone. You sound like an amazing woman & an exceptional mother. Be proud of yourself for what you have achieved.

I am in a situation where I can understand some of your predicament. I am scared to leave my husband as I see my self as a protector of the children and he will get some custody. I feel my role is a shield and have kept the family pulse going at my expense.

My husband loves money above all else & if I leave he will be cruel but worst still will be cruel to the children & they will suffer. He has never physically hurt us so that is lucky. He is emotionally cruel. Can't make noise in the kitchen if he's watching TV, can't sneeze or cough, can't make any noise sipping coffee....etc. I cannot get sick as it will make him angry. It's an eggshell existence & it's exhausting.

Emb, How do we decide whether staying in that existance will be less damaging for all of us compared with leaving? Yes it's exhausting but what are the other options.
Luckily in my case my husband would never let my children go without, providing they are with him, instead my children would favour him because of his lenainacy and relaxed boundaries.
On the rare occasion my husband reminds me of why I fell in love with him but is this married life?
We have talked more and both acknowledged this is the last time. How long do we give it to get better? In one sense I want to settle down and have stability but in the other I don't want to be stuck and feel so trapped