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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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SJ69 Manipulative reward and punishment attempt
  • replies: 2

I am 51 years old with three siblings, aged 48 and 47. I left home at 18 because my middle sibling C caused friction between myself and my parents. Aged 24 I decided to emigrate to Oz because of the friction C caused and the insistence by my parents ... View more

I am 51 years old with three siblings, aged 48 and 47. I left home at 18 because my middle sibling C caused friction between myself and my parents. Aged 24 I decided to emigrate to Oz because of the friction C caused and the insistence by my parents that she was never to blame. Once she caused my father to pin my youngster sister R against a wall. We don't know why. R will never forgot this. Growing up my father was largely absent, working as a farm labourer 24/7 to provide for his family. From the age of 8, I had to look after my siblings during school hols (with a stay at home Mum across the lane and father popping in throughout the day). When I was older and Mum worked full time, I had to put homework on the back burner to prepare the evening meal. I received no academic support and was told to leave school at 15 and get a job to contribute financially to the house. I did ok but yes it pisses me, especially when my parents rave about how C's two sons have gone to uni and done well for themselves. There is nothing to be gained. I say nothing to my parents who have put C and her sons on a pedestal. Since 1994 when I moved to OZ I have maintained a distant but cordial relationship with C. We do not exchange cards, phone calls etc. Her relationship with R (UK based) is also distant. Recently I found my maternal biological grandfather for my Mum. Fantastic but sad too. He is unwell. I suggested I visit my father said no then started a diatribe of cruel words relating to my relationship with C. I should be proud of her and her sons success and we can get back to normal. That I go round the word pissing people off and on NYD, the blackmail.. apologise to your sister and her sons (for what I do not know), and show them a few words of love or I'll cut you out of my will and you'll be about in the cold. Oh and tell anyone about 'the deal' and it's off. He parenting style has always been dictatorship, he has no self awareness only a manipulating, controlling trait that makes me sick in the stomach. R has tried to talk to him and Mum. They either do not get it or do not care. Personally, my mental health (shaky since May 19) doesn't need this, and I do need, nor want his money, so I have disowned both of them. Thankfully I have a great circle of friends and a counsellor. My husband not so much but maybe there is hope we can use this episode to build love and respect between us again. Thanks for reading.

Frosty35 Am I a selfish and horrible partner?
  • replies: 7

Not sure why I am posting other other than the feeling of depression, guilt, fear, and feeling of suffocation. I really had no where to turn to but to a safe forum. Essentially I am in a 3 year relationship with my partner who is 10 years older than ... View more

Not sure why I am posting other other than the feeling of depression, guilt, fear, and feeling of suffocation. I really had no where to turn to but to a safe forum. Essentially I am in a 3 year relationship with my partner who is 10 years older than I (she is in her early 40's). We met at a work party, really enjoyed each others company, and things kicked off well; however 6 weeks in she fell pregnant as some medication messed up her cycle... and now we have an amazing son. I was not even sure if I wanted to be a father and was always adamant I need a good stable job, house, etc, before even considering starting a family. It took me a few months to embrace the situation, but when he came into the world I was over the moon, being the best involved dad I can be. I am ashamed to admit when we first found out, my position was to not have him, due to the situation as well hardly knowing my partner... but the impression was she would keep him anyway... but I did embrace the situation and committed to it. However post his birth is when things really started to go sour. 12 months into our relationship (and a 2 month old - living a long way away from any family and close friends) my partner suggested a 2nd baby. My position was not right now and that I needed time to get used to the situation (new baby, new job + getting to know her). And since that point in time I have been constantly pressured on a 2nd, where full blown arguments would occur. Occurring between 2 to 6 weeks each time (in between this time things being frosty, or "walking on egg shells" for lack of a better term). Through this I have been told I am controlling, I do not care for her wants, and have essentially taken her voice out of her/our future despite telling her all I need is time... and the fact she has gone obsessive has just pushed me away from her and the actual idea of a second. Through this period I have tried doing everything for her, balancing work and care for her (and my son) to make her comfortable, recover from the pregnancy, and get her back to feeling herself again; pushing myself to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. But all this has been for nothing; essentially I am been made to feel like a selfish piece of sh*t that is ruining her life and future, taking away control like a bully or an abusive partner, which hurts so much. I am scared of her, and scared to leave because of my son and the thought of ruining her life. Am I a selfish and horrible partner?

Maui757 I’m verbally abusing my partner and I don’t know how to stop
  • replies: 8

I have recently realised that I verbally abuse my partner, and have been doing so for years. He has told me many times, but I never truly listened until just the other night and I realised he is right. I did a bit of research and I am 100% verbally a... View more

I have recently realised that I verbally abuse my partner, and have been doing so for years. He has told me many times, but I never truly listened until just the other night and I realised he is right. I did a bit of research and I am 100% verbally abusing him. I feel so terrible, I can’t believe I’ve turned into this person. I also abuse my parents, mainly my Mum. mom already so reactive, I get so angry so quickly and I lash out. I have no doubts that I would get physically abusive if I got mad enough. obviously I don’t want to abuse anyone. I love these people, and yet I’m abusing them. I feel so shattered inside, I feel so broken and alone. How did I become this person? I feel like I’m not allowed to feel bad for myself because I was the one who chose to abuse them. I could have acted differently but I didn’t. It’s so selfish, so wrong. How am I meant to deal with this? How do I stop? Or is it best to end my relationship with my partner so I can stop abusing him? He has tried to end our relationship a few times in the past because he can’t take my abuse, but we always calm down and talk it out and try other options. We’ve just started to see my psych together for couples sessions, but I fear it’s too late. The damage is already done, I may as well leave and prevent further damage Please, I just want some advice. I have no idea what’s happening, or why. I’m so new to this, and yet I’ve been doing it for years and years. I’m so torn up, I honestly feel like I’m a broken human being and there’s no hope to repair me or what I’ve done. Maui

sport123 i dont really know what im doing or how im feeling.
  • replies: 2

hi everyone, im not sure if anyone else can relate to this or if it is just me stressing over small things. there is this guy and he really likes me, but i don't know if i like him back i think i do but i also think i dont (i have mixed feelings). i ... View more

hi everyone, im not sure if anyone else can relate to this or if it is just me stressing over small things. there is this guy and he really likes me, but i don't know if i like him back i think i do but i also think i dont (i have mixed feelings). i have caught up with him alone, i go to parties with him and i talk to him everyday over text. the problem is he keeps telling me he likes me and i feel bad because i feel like im leading him on, but i just dont know how to feel. he is kind and caring and i enjoy spending time with him but is that just because i like him as a friend or i want something more? i got jealous when i saw him with another girl but soon told myself that i wasnt bothered or interested. i really dont know what to do because i have never been in this situation before where i wanna see him and want him to be apart of my life but i keep telling myself that im not interested in him that way. IM SO CONFUSED. it is bugging me and it has got to the point now where he is having deep conversations with me about it and i am pushing him away, but i dont know if i even like him that way. i am very confused and hope for some reassurance as to why i am feeling this way and how i can actually figure out what i want because i feel like i have tried everything. Thank you!

ChrissyStar When I get scared, he gets worse...what is happening?
  • replies: 3

Hi, My BF has recently started picking on me. When I answer a question from him - I'm trying to think at the same time so it's often not as quick or assured as usual....I'm also "thinking on my feet" trying to judge his reaction to my words because I... View more

Hi, My BF has recently started picking on me. When I answer a question from him - I'm trying to think at the same time so it's often not as quick or assured as usual....I'm also "thinking on my feet" trying to judge his reaction to my words because I don't want to find myself in an escalating situation which spirals out of control into violence. I'm also confused at what his problem is, going through all the things in my mind of what it could be. And hurt that he is unhappy with me, confused that he's turning on me, frustrated that he's being demanding...you get the picture. The more intimidated I get, the worse he gets...I end up actually being scared & my words are stuck in my mouth. This makes him even more angry. What is it called when a person feeds off fear (or uses the discomfort of others) like this? I'm not sold on his explanation...which is that he believes I'm trying to antagonize him on purpose...it's obviously just a ploy to get angry at me. But why? Control? Power? To punish me for doing something he didn't like? What's his psychological issue here?

Pammyk Surviving a narcissist
  • replies: 3

I have been two years free of a toxic relationship. Just starting this post had made me feel light headed. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over thirty years and blame this for my choice of partners. I think it started with how dad alw... View more

I have been two years free of a toxic relationship. Just starting this post had made me feel light headed. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over thirty years and blame this for my choice of partners. I think it started with how dad always broke my mums heart (never physical) then my son bullying me until he left. Then the icing on the cake after my son left I fell in love with the same sort of person. I feel like I am attracted to this type of person and am too scared to become involved with anyone. Thank goodness for my dog and my job. When I am not at work I feel sad most of the time but only cry at happy things or sad things that I hear about. Never for myself. N

The-misunderstood-girl We're so messed up its pass toxic
  • replies: 2

Hi. We have both had our run in with drugs when we were just friends. He went to jail and I lost my child to services, however since we ended up saying yes to being together we have built each other up immensely. We both dont drink, dont do drugs, I ... View more

Hi. We have both had our run in with drugs when we were just friends. He went to jail and I lost my child to services, however since we ended up saying yes to being together we have built each other up immensely. We both dont drink, dont do drugs, I have my child and hes changed from doing stupid things that would end him in court. He works and I started home school until it became unbearable due to my mental health not being fixed since the drugs. However we have the worst lash out moments i blame it on our messed up mind from the drugs and actions we done in our past. Its like an uncontrollable rage of anger that comes with heavy anxiety and depression, I find mine to be worse at I get to stages I cannot even get out of bed but hes able to get himself up for work somehow. A lot of our fights was who we both can and cant talk to, who we can have on social media, what kind of social media we can have, were we can go etc. It was as if one person started on something they didnt agree with that the other would ask for it to be that way for them also. Its feeling like a massive toll but we both wont let it go and try to build from it i guess we dont know how to either. He refuses to acknowledge that he also needs help and says that it is all me. I feel completely stuck too.. I dont have anywhere else I can go, I have no money, nothing as he would argue if I tried to get a job. I can only apply for certain ones that he thinks is appropriate for our relationship. Now in saying all this i have never done anything for him to not trust me I have always been completely honest with everything but ive come to find that everything he use to say he was and things he would never do has made me question everything now. We have had two to three physical domestic and too many emotional i cannot count, thing is this is someone i have changed for I am just so confused with what is going on. How can I fix this? Is it mainly me? I cannot keep feeling like this everyday i am so tired.

Shelby123 Husband verbally abuses me, feel so alone
  • replies: 2

I recently had our first baby. My husband works in emergency services and his mental health has been deteriorating in the past 2 years. I feel like I’m his emotional punchbag, he holds it together at work and bends over backwards to help other people... View more

I recently had our first baby. My husband works in emergency services and his mental health has been deteriorating in the past 2 years. I feel like I’m his emotional punchbag, he holds it together at work and bends over backwards to help other people, however when he comes home he let’s rip at me over the tiniest thing. His rants are becoming more and more intense and the things he says are unforgivable. He will start at me over something insignificant, but will end in him saying he detests me, hates me and that he is leaving me. He did this regularly during my pregnancy and told me numerous times that he is only staying because I was pregnant and that he hates me and everything about me. He will never apologise ever for anything he does or says. I feel so sad all the time and worthless. I want more than anything to leave but I don’t want our child to be from a broken home. I thought having a baby would heal him somewhat but it has escalated. If I ask him for help with something to do with the baby when it doesn’t suit him he loses it. He will tell me I’m a bad mom. He will repeat things to our baby like ‘your moms an idiot’ or ‘your mom couldn’t be bothered picking you up’ if I ask him to help me with her when I’m breast pumping milk for her and can’t immediately go to baby. No matter what I do it’s the wrong thing. If he is holding the baby and it cries, if I don’t immediately rush to help him he accuses me of not caring about the baby and leaving everything to him. If I do rush to help he tells me to stay the f* away from him, that I’m the reason the baby won’t settle for him & that he doesn’t need my help. Everything ends in him having a meltdown and blaming me. I feel like I’m on eggshells and i feel so alone. He isn’t close with his family and we live overseas, he doesn’t have any one else but me and the baby. I feel like either he will make my life hell if I leave, or he will hurt himself. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I can’t live like this, and I don’t want our child to grow up thinking how he talks to me is normal. Everytime I try to talk to him about it he has a meltdown and ends up screaming at me that I don’t understand. He won’t see a doctor as he is worried that he won’t b able to stay in his role if he is diagnosed with depression. I sweep all his behaviour under the carpet and just put on a facade for everyone else. Everyone we know thinks we are in a happy marriage. I came from a loving home and I just want the same for our baby.

Abbie121 extra loneliness and helplessness around holidays and new year's eve..
  • replies: 21

I've been struggling with loss and grief from a long-term relationship breakdown last year, and now find myself in isolation with deep loneliness and sadness.. made worse by looking back at my life this time last year where it was full of people and ... View more

I've been struggling with loss and grief from a long-term relationship breakdown last year, and now find myself in isolation with deep loneliness and sadness.. made worse by looking back at my life this time last year where it was full of people and things to do. I find I reach out to friends to try and connect but I get nothing back - they are too busy with their families or don't even reply. I want contact with my ex just to try to re-live some of the connection and affection we had, which I know is unhealthy but he has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. I struggle to understand why I can't form lasting relationships or why people have no interest in spending time with me, or even checking in on me to offer a kind word or support. I have no one to talk to or spend time with. I'm dreading tomorrow new year's eve when everyone else will be spending it with people and I want that too, but can't seem to get it. I don't know what to do..

Deecee88 Long term isolation and emptiness :(
  • replies: 1

Hi there, this is the first time I’m trying to speak to people that are outside of my life because frankly, I have no one left. For the past 5-6 years, since my mother has passed my family has broken down and I’ve been completely left on my own. my d... View more

Hi there, this is the first time I’m trying to speak to people that are outside of my life because frankly, I have no one left. For the past 5-6 years, since my mother has passed my family has broken down and I’ve been completely left on my own. my dad has been absent since she died and got a gf straight away and moved out. I stopped working and spent all my money shopping to try and cope with being on my own. I was numb and assumed dad would catch me if I fell. Anyways, as time went on he grew colder and colder. Sold our family home and as I was in so much debt and Broke, I’ve been nothing but a burden to him ever since as I cannot get back on my feet. I’m not allowed to live with him because his gf doesn’t want me there and I’ve been struggling to pay rent and debt repayments to the point where I have no food. I haven’t spent a birthday, New Years or Xmas with anyone as everyone’s too busy. I don’t know what’s happened but it breaks my heart every xmas, new year and birthday when not 1 single person reaches out. I haven’t been out for dinner, on a holiday, had a laugh with any friends or family in multiple years after I have tried so hard to keep people in my life. My heart physically hurts, I hate waking up, I can’t get to sleep and I’m being evicted on Sunday as I have been late a few times with the rent as I finished my law degree 2019. im physically broken because I’m lonely. I’m smart, I’ve had my own business before and I am usually a social butterfly. But watching Netflix everyday because I have nothing to do for 5-6 years is so painful for someone who is usually super positive and motivated. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and I feel like my dad breaks me just so he can complain about him being the one to help me. I have been emotionally abused to the point I don’t know why i wake up anymore. I want the pain to stop