Long term isolation and emptiness :(
this is the first time I’m trying to speak to people that are outside of my life because frankly, I have no one left. For the past 5-6 years, since my mother has passed my family has broken down and I’ve been completely left on my own.
my dad has been absent since she died and got a gf straight away and moved out. I stopped working and spent all my money shopping to try and cope with being on my own. I was numb and assumed dad would catch me if I fell. Anyways, as time went on he grew colder and colder. Sold our family home and as I was in so much debt and Broke, I’ve been nothing but a burden to him ever since as I cannot get back on my feet. I’m not allowed to live with him because his gf doesn’t want me there and I’ve been struggling to pay rent and debt repayments to the point where I have no food. I haven’t spent a birthday, New Years or Xmas with anyone as everyone’s too busy. I don’t know what’s happened but it breaks my heart every xmas, new year and birthday when not 1 single person reaches out. I haven’t been out for dinner, on a holiday, had a laugh with any friends or family in multiple years after I have tried so hard to keep people in my life. My heart physically hurts, I hate waking up, I can’t get to sleep and I’m being evicted on Sunday as I have been late a few times with the rent as I finished my law degree 2019.
im physically broken because I’m lonely. I’m smart, I’ve had my own business before and I am usually a social butterfly. But watching Netflix everyday because I have nothing to do for 5-6 years is so painful for someone who is usually super positive and motivated. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong and I feel like my dad breaks me just so he can complain about him being the one to help me. I have been emotionally abused to the point I don’t know why i wake up anymore. I want the pain to stop
I'm sorry to read your situation. When the chips are fully down the only way to go is UP!. That is how you have to think now. Your dad has let you down in most ways. My only reservation on that is the financial situation you find yourself in, parents cant carry their young adult children forever and I've noticed you had that expectation of him. That will hurt me saying that but it was his house and his life to run not always bail you out.
Having said that he could at least be their as a supportive father. I would try to maintain a relationship with him alone, meetings with him at a park or cafe if you can. If he isnt willing to even do that then move on, that sounds decisive because it is, the more decisions you make with people the less emotional baggage you'll have to cope with in these torrid times.
Prioritise- Think hard about the people you have met in your life and the relatives that are there that you havent seen for a long long time. Ring them, talk, tell them of your predicament. You might just get a bed and food until you get a job. A job will get you moving in life. Then accommodation, then financial security then the world is your oyster. This needs you to be positive and motivated. There is no easy road.
What I can tell you is that once you are back on track having achieved the above- you will achieve anything you put your mind to. It is a tremendous feeling of achievement at that point and it will mould you as a person. In 10 or 20 years you'll look back and realise you did it!!
I also look back on my parents in the 1950's they lived in a shack, my brother was a diabetic that needed insulin paid for unlike now it is on the PBS, there was me and my younger sister. When it rained my mother would shuffle our cots away from the drips and we lived on a sand floor. They never had a car and dad worked 16 hours a day making agent orange a poison use din the Vietnam war. No phone, no www. There are many stories like this but we never hear of them.
I know it sounds harsh but you have to dig your way out of this. Dont expect help but obviously be grateful if it comes along.
I hope you feel comfortable returning here ongoing to tell us of your progress. As I said the only way is up and it is up to you. You can do it.