Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Co Dependancy highly addictive and destructive

Community Member


You know how we all want that spark when we meet someone, that feeling that this person completes you in every way? I met that woman, not only was she stunning to look at, but she made me feel complete, on top of the world. There were warning signs that I ignored, there were incidents and indicators I can look back at and see now, but I was in love- madly and deeply. Or so I thought.

25 years on and it had become the most bitter, twisted, hate filled relationship.

I worshipped her (my co-dependancy) I wanted to be her everything. I believed I could convince her she was beautiful and intelligent and could do anything she put her mind to. She was incapable of making any decisions, could not find a single interest (other than our children), hates her job but refuses to leave, believes herself stupid and ugly, hates her life. She was scared of so many things and depended on me to protect and support her. I became her punching bag, the only person in the world who she could be her true self with, her insecurities were focused and projected upon me (her co-dependancy). In my mind I was helping her by taking all the abuse, justified because often we had sex after. This worked for many years, till she stopped being intimate with me. She had become so used to projecting on me that I was no longer her husband, but had become everything she hated about herself. I was called: stupid, unattractive, insecure, controlling, and abusive. In the depths of my co-dependancy I took it all in, believing it all.

By the time I left her, I hated myself beyond all reason. I have seen lows that most people could never understand nor comprehend. But the addiction of co-dependancy draws me back to her, makes me believe she is the one and only person for me, it makes me think of only the good, believing she abused me because I deserved it. We have all heard of the wife that returns to a husband that beats her, and we all shake our heads saying she is insane. Mental abuse is just as bad, and infinitely more subtle.

That 'spark', that click or completeness, is often an indicator that this person fills a need within you that is not a healthy need. The broken parts of you are screaming for this person. With time those needs will surface, the words and actions of your co-dependant partner didn't fix anything, you have to fix these things yourself. You have to do it the hard way to grow, not depending on someone else to support you, or you to support them to feel needed.

4 Replies 4

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Nothappy,

You have endured so much. You’re right about us seeking completeness in other people, sometimes it’s a helpful indication of what we are looking for in ourselves.

How are you doing now?

Hi MissBenthos,

I wrote the post to serve as a warning to others. It will not make any difference to 99% of the population, but if one person can take the message on board, it could save them.

I only left my X partner 5 weeks ago. I am still suffering what can only be described as withdrawal symptoms. You get so used to the adrenaline from all the arguments, and from the constant fear of what hurtful thing was going to be said next, "the fight or flight mode" high. Life is incredibly difficult to get through after coming down from the constant high. I contact with my X made things worse, just receiving an email brings my resting heart rate from 55 to 100+. I had to bar her on my phone because calls brought on severe anxiety attacks that lasted for hours. She knew, and delighted in my discomfort, while I was incapable of not answering the call.

That’s pretty recent. Stay strong. Here if you need to chat xo

Community Member

Hi Nothappy,

Thank you so much for sharing. Your post really resonated with me and my current relationship. I am only 25 and have been with fiance for about 7 years. We also live in a highly co-dependent relationship. I see the damage this is having on me now as I long for the grass on the other side of the fence but feel stuck. My partner is abusive through words and it's taking its toll. I love him so much, I long for the man he was. I could write about this forever but I just wanted to thank you for sharing and making me feel less alienated!

I hope that the new year brings you joy!