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Last cry for help. Husband & I incompatible in attitude to sex

JennyA
Community Member

Married 29 years. Both Christian upbringing. No sex before marriage.

I was naive, especially when I was young & loved my husband. I could never believe he could hurt me. 5 years into our marriage, I saw he was looking at porn. I was devastated. Same issue resurfaced 2 more times over next 15 years. It’s to the point where we agree we both have a diff view on what's right & wrong. I classify porn as cheating &he thinks having a look is ok. In our arguing he says looking at women is enjoyable, just as looking at men is pleasurable for a woman (I did enjoy watching Magic Mike) & it doesn't mean he loves me less. We compromised 7 years ago, porn is not allowed & he can look at anything else long as it doesn't cross the line we made. This was a fair compromise &he has kept his end of the bargain, but Ive not been unable to recover from the damage he did in the past. We cant watch a movie together if nude/semi clad female, is on screen. We cant see sexy women walk by. These things just make me so angry that I know my husband is "enjoying" looking & feeding his desire to look at things that fuel his sexual thoughts.

Like most men, he's a very sexual person with a high sex drive & wants orgasms often. He is very unselfish in the bedroom & takes even more pleasure than I do, about seeing me satisfied every time. I don't have the same drive & wouldn't miss it if we stopped but I have come to enjoy & want it more over the last 15 years. But every time we get to a good place, something happens.He says we need to be on the same page when it comes to enjoying all things sexual. He thinks I should enjoy the topic of sex more, so we won't fight so much about everyday sexual things. He calls me conservative & heavily blames our upbringing for the way I think about sex.

I am still a believer in Christ but he has become sceptical over the years. Even though he betrayed me by looking at porn, he is very loyal & has never physically cheated on me. We’re both proud that we’ve only had ourselves as sexual partners.

I have deep issues in me that have been caused by his actions & now this problem has invaded every other part of our lives to the point that we now have a sexless marriage. He can't believe that I haven't pleasured myself in months & can't understand it's not important to me like it is to him. We went to a counselor and it didn't solve much as we disagree on the topic.
I don’t want divorce but we’re so far apart on this topic I feel we are unable to reconcile

27 Replies 27

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

JennyA

I can feel the pain and honesty in both your emails. You love each other so much yet there is an obstacle.

In you last message you wrote :

"I cannot imagine being separated from each other. I'm sure it will destroy us both."

Those last 7 words contain so much disappointment. I wonder if you think there is anything that can be done to avoid that scenario or the possibility of you both doing the same as you are doing now.?

I appreciate you both have put so much into the marriage .

Thank you for your honesty.

Quirky

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jenny

I've been thinking about your predicament, it is a serious one that affects all your life (and I guess your husband's too).

I'm sure it is too important and too hurtful to let slide, however choices are limited (I don't have to tell you that)

I'm wondering if there might be two sides to your husband's love for you, as a human being, and as a sex companion, and at the moment the latter is dominating both you thoughts.

There are many things in life that are unavoidable and unpleasant. I for instance have limited mobility and very often pain. I can't get rid of these as my spine is degenerating and at first I simply did not accept it and kept on pushing myself, which simply exacerbated the situation, made the pain worse and had me going to A&E (our ambulances are a shocker to ride in)

So with time I came to accept (mostly) I was in a different life to what I had been before, in short I learned some coping skills.

Do you think, without giving up your views and way of life, you could increase coping skills to the point where separation was no longer on the table? Perhaps (and here I'm guessing) being able to concentrate on the part of him the does see you as a human being in the same way as I value the things I can do.

This may not something you can do for yourself (well, I could not anyway) and a councilor or therapist might be the way to go, as it was for me.

I in no way am belittling what you have to deal with, just earnestly wish matters could be better

Croix.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi JennyA

I've read all your posts here and want to give you the biggest most reassuring hug.

Sounds like you have a very deep perspective on what love is with a partner and appear to tie that perspective in with what people generally refer to as sex. Whilst a general form of love has its own beautiful forms of energy in motion (e-motion), so too does a deep connected shared experience in the bedroom.

As a 49yo married woman, it's taken me many years to see intimacy the way I now do. My theory to some degree: Why look to obtain the physical energy in motion (that happens below the belt) from objects such as sex toys or from porn when there are plenty of ways to share emotion in the bedroom. Why waste time on such things when time can better be spent sharing moments with a partner who can give and receive beautiful sensations such as chills or shivers through the spine for example or the sensation of a slowly increasing heart rate or simply the feel of each other's skin. Any partner who suggests the idea of purchasing a vibrator should perhaps be more so considering all the ways he can possibly make the cells throughout your body vibrate with excitement.

'Focus less on exciting yourself and more on exciting me' I believe, is not an unfair mantra to adopt for both partners.

Personally, I never really understood the thrill about porn. My theory: If you've got a good enough imagination, you don't need it, to get a thrill. Strip clubs have never been my scene either. Years ago I went to one for a hens night and ended up going upstairs with one of the other girls to the nightclub area to dance. I could go on with a list of things that excite others but really don't do much to excite me. We're all different, hey?!

I imagine (and I could be wrong) that your husband doesn't understand that when he suggests ways you can excite your self, he doesn't realise you want it to be up to him to get you there. Seeing foreplay and intercourse as events that are about playing with the energy God or the Source of life gave us and experiencing that inter(nal) course of energy together, is a sacred way to observe and feel it.

You putting on a beautiful nightdress or some lingerie and him surprising you with an array of beautiful scented lit candles, could prove to be an exciting enough distraction from the lure of naked females. If it is not, then I will be so bold as to suggest he's not imagining enough in regard to how he could be exciting the both of you in the bedroom.

🙂

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jenny

Had a thought: Instead of seeing your husband as having cheated on you, is it possible to see it as something he's cheated you out of? For example, has he cheated you out of feeling like you're the only attractive woman in his life or feeling like you're the only woman he desires to share sexual emotion with? This may help you to see the challenge you face, from a different perspective.

If his interests existed before he met you, can you see these interests as habits he's breaking or has broken, in the way of serving you and the relationship? You speak of him making a compromise. I like to see a compromise as ' a common promise'. He has promised to break old habits in return for your promise of exploring new ways to share intimate energy together. Finding the sort of energy you're comfortable with exploring can be a part of your promise to him.

We all like to feel different energies run through us at times. We can love the energy that joy brings, the energy that a vigorous run can give us, the energy that wells up when a baby is born or when we see someone get married. From your husbands perspective, his habits were perhaps simply energy based and that's all. Exploring the sensations his body can rise to is a natural curiosity which brings about a sense of satisfaction for him. He sounds like someone who genuinely does not wish to cheat you out of feeling deeply loved by him.

By the way, when I'm walking down the street with my husband and I notice him staring at some female, it works for me to think 'He's attracted to what he's feeling within himself at the time'. I remain the only woman who can lead him to feel truly sensational on a variety of levels, which is what leads him to love me wholeheartedly.

🙂

JennyA
Community Member

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to answer. We were really on the edge of separation and I didn't know where to turn. I saw this group and put it out there.

Your advice and opinions have all helped me in some way.

Hubby and I have talked and we are trying again. He is going to keep being understanding and working at keeping me happy (ongoing task :)). I'm going to try to not let sexual things bother me so much. We still have the agreed boundary of no porn but I've got to let things go and not hold him ransom to the past and in his words "not be threatened by every bit of sexuality that's around us". He wants me to be comfortable with it all and even embrace it a bit but I suppose the jealous part of me struggles with that.

Thanks again to everyone.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Wishing you both all the best Jenny

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

JennyA

Thanks for keeping us up to date and I wish you both understanding and patience.

Changing ones thoughts and behaviours is hard but it is possible.

You have shown that both of you are willing to try and to understand each other.

Feel free to post here any time .

Quirky

Good evening JennyA.

Just want to congratulate you on coming up with a great solution for you both and wish you and your partner a prosperous future.

On the back of that, remembering that it's a two way street.

Take care 🙂